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‘Accurate Conception’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Accurate Conception

503. Accurate Conception

Aired October 14, 1989

Blanche is horrified when her daughter announces she wants to conceive a child through artificial insemination.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia. All our children were conceived on special St. Olaf holidays. Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Jeanella was conceived on Hay Day. That's the day we St. Olafians celebrate hay.
Dorothy: Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor?
Rose: Then there was the Day of the Wheat when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches. Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.

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Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, Becky. Honey, I think you are headed for trouble, going off by yourself like this. No man is gonna want to marry you with a baby.
Dorothy: Blanche, there are a lot of people who are single parents and they're doing just fine.
Sophia: Yeah, look at me.

Quote from Rose

Rose: On the farm a lot of the animals got artificially inseminated. Once Harry the bull went through a whole spring unaroused and the cows and my father were out of their minds with grief. I mean, you haven't seen anything till you've seen a frustrated cow. They can get this crazed look in their eye and you know they're thinking, "Where's mine?"
Dorothy: "Where's mine?"
Rose: Cows have feelings, too. Anyway, when Harry really got lazy Dad had to bring in Mr. Hoffenheisen to spread the seed. He did it in the most unusual way. He'd put on this really long rubber glove.
Dorothy: Rose, that's a terrific story and surprisingly on-subject but I don't think that Blanche wants to hear about uncontented cows right now.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I'm gonna have to agree with Blanche on this one. Half the fun is in getting there. And boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.
Dorothy: Ma, I don't think I wanna hear this.
Sophia: I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think you can handle it now. We lived in New York at the time and there was the San Genarro festival every year. And your father, may he rest in peace until I get there, got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we got home. So he took me right there behind the sausage and pepper stand. Hey, we were behind the garbage cans. It's not like we were in front of everybody.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ah, there you are. Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup. Ma, you know you have to have a physical. What do you want me to do? Take you to court? Have you declared incompetent?
Sophia: I'm not incompetent. Once when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.

Quote from Rose

Rose: You know, I'm not so sure sperm can't live outside the body. Back during World War II, my best friend Claire Osterhaus's husband was in the army and stationed in France. Well, five months after he left St. Olaf, she got pregnant. A lot of people thought she was fooling around, but she told me that sperm must have swum from Normandy. Across the Atlantic, up the St. Lawrence Seaway, into the Great Lakes and then over to Minnesota.
Blanche: And what did you think, Rose?
Rose: Well, I know those little guys are supposed to be good swimmers but I think it had to come over by mail.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Becky and I were up till all hours talking. You know, my daughter and I haven't had a talk like that since ever.
Rose: It must've been fun.
Blanche: Oh, yeah. We did each other's hair and laughed and laughed.
Sophia: I can see why.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, why are you still here? You were supposed to have your checkup with Dr. Siegel this morning.
Sophia: Oh, you didn't hear about Dr. Siegel.
Dorothy: Hear what?
Sophia: I'm not going.
Dorothy: Ma, you are impossible. Now, this is the third appointment you've missed.
Sophia: At my age, checkups can be dangerous to your health. You know Sam down the block, the one who thinks he's hiding his stomach by wearing Hawaiian shirts?
Dorothy: Yeah, Sam is fine.
Sophia: His brother went for a checkup seven years ago. The doctor said he was great. Three days after the exam, he was dead.
Dorothy: Ma, he owed money to a guy named Face and got thrown off a pier.
Sophia: That was one of the causes.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, look, Ma. I know you're scared. I'll go with you. Look, when I was little, didn't you make me go and get all my shots?
Sophia: I had to lie to you and tell you we were going on the pony rides, and you fell for it time after time. Just like Pavlov's dog, only dumber.
Dorothy: OK, OK, Ma, if you don't wanna go to the doctor, you don't have to go to the doctor. All right? I'll tell you what. Why don't we spend tomorrow afternoon together? We'll work on our bonding. I'll take you to Wolfie's for an egg cream.
Sophia: A chocolate egg cream?
Dorothy: You betcha.
Sophia: Oh, boy! A chocolate egg cream! Forget it, Dorothy. I smell a pony ride.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, you know, I think this is the best visit we've ever had.
Becky: I think it's because you've realized I'm a grown woman.
Blanche: Well, I never thought the day would come, but we are finally the same age.

Quote from Blanche

Becky: Well, Mama, I'm gonna do this whether you like it or not.
Blanche: Oh. Oh, I see, missy. So, this is the thanks I get for all those cold nights when you were a baby crying and I'd have to get up out of bed and grope around in the dark for my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs and scream for the governess?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I tried to talk her out of it. She says she has thought it through and there is no changing her mind.
Rose: Well, it might not be so bad. In fact, just last week I was reading that you can buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or was it Star Search winners?
Blanche: Buy? Well, sperm used to be free. It was all over the place.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is doing is really not so terrible. I mean, look, among the four of us, each of us conceived our children in a different way. I was totally unconscious. When I came to, there was Stan, carving a notch in his dashboard.
Sophia: I never bought that unconscious story.
Dorothy: I swear. He must've slipped me something.
Sophia: Apparently.
Blanche: But at least what we all did was natural.
Sophia: Well, not all the time. There's some other stuff, but I probably shouldn't tell you till you're 70.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Can I fix you some breakfast, honey?
Blanche: No, thanks. Oh, I just feel terrible. If I'm gonna spend the night tossing and turning at least I wanna wake up smelling like aftershave.

Quote from Sophia

Becky: I got up early and did some research. There's a sperm bank not far from here.
Rose: How convenient.
Sophia: No kidding. Do they have a drive-up window?

Quote from Dorothy

Becky: So, I guess we're going?
Blanche: Oh, I guess. What does one wear to a sperm bank?
Dorothy: Something attractive in rubber.
Blanche: I have that.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: How did things go at the doctor's, Sophia?
Sophia: He said I have the body of a 40-year-old. A dead 40-year-old.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I bet this is more fun than giving blood.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Eyes straight, ladies. Ma, no opening doors.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: What in hell are we doing here? I feel like I'm in the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream 'cause there are no boy dancers.
Becky: Mother!
Blanche: I just cannot believe you are actually gonna give money to someone like this... sperm pusher. You are a Devereaux. A Devereaux has never had to pay for it. I certainly haven't.
Dorothy: She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Just outta curiosity, you don't have any Tony Bennett socked away, do you?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Did you see the way those people on the elevator looked at us when you pushed "5"? I'm so embarrassed.
Becky: Mama, they didn't look at us at all.
Blanche: They didn't want to make eye contact with anybody going to the fifth floor, the sperm floor.
Becky: I think you're overreacting.
Blanche: Perverts looked at us like we were perverts. I know that look.


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