Rose: I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia. All our children were conceived on special St. Olaf holidays. Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Jeanella was conceived on Hay Day. That's the day we St. Olafians celebrate hay.
Dorothy: Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labor?
Rose: Then there was the Day of the Wheat when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches. Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.

Blanche: Oh, Becky. Honey, I think you are headed for trouble, going off by yourself like this. No man is gonna want to marry you with a baby.
Dorothy: Blanche, there are a lot of people who are single parents and they're doing just fine.
Sophia: Yeah, look at me.

Dorothy: Ah, there you are. Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup. Ma, you know you have to have a physical. What do you want me to do? Take you to court? Have you declared incompetent?
Sophia: I'm not incompetent. Once when I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.

Rose: You know, I'm not so sure sperm can't live outside the body. Back during World War II, my best friend Claire Osterhaus's husband was in the army and stationed in France. Well, five months after he left St. Olaf, she got pregnant. A lot of people thought she was fooling around, but she told me that sperm must have swum from Normandy. Across the Atlantic, up the St. Lawrence Seaway, into the Great Lakes and then over to Minnesota.
Blanche: And what did you think, Rose?
Rose: Well, I know those little guys are supposed to be good swimmers but I think it had to come over by mail.

Sophia: I'm gonna have to agree with Blanche on this one. Half the fun is in getting there. And boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.
Dorothy: Ma, I don't think I wanna hear this.
Sophia: I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think you can handle it now. We lived in New York at the time and there was the San Genarro festival every year. And your father, may he rest in peace until I get there, got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we got home. So he took me right there behind the sausage and pepper stand. Hey, we were behind the garbage cans. It's not like we were in front of everybody.

Rose: On the farm a lot of the animals got artificially inseminated. Once Harry the bull went through a whole spring unaroused and the cows and my father were out of their minds with grief. I mean, you haven't seen anything till you've seen a frustrated cow. They can get this crazed look in their eye and you know they're thinking, "Where's mine?"
Dorothy: "Where's mine?"
Rose: Cows have feelings, too. Anyway, when Harry really got lazy Dad had to bring in Mr. Hoffenheisen to spread the seed. He did it in the most unusual way. He'd put on this really long rubber glove.
Dorothy: Rose, that's a terrific story and surprisingly on-subject but I don't think that Blanche wants to hear about uncontented cows right now.

Dorothy: Oh, look, Ma. I know you're scared. I'll go with you. Look, when I was little, didn't you make me go and get all my shots?
Sophia: I had to lie to you and tell you we were going on the pony rides, and you fell for it time after time. Just like Pavlov's dog, only dumber.
Dorothy: OK, OK, Ma, if you don't wanna go to the doctor, you don't have to go to the doctor. All right? I'll tell you what. Why don't we spend tomorrow afternoon together? We'll work on our bonding. I'll take you to Wolfie's for an egg cream.
Sophia: A chocolate egg cream?
Dorothy: You betcha.
Sophia: Oh, boy! A chocolate egg cream! Forget it, Dorothy. I smell a pony ride.

Blanche: Becky and I were up till all hours talking. You know, my daughter and I haven't had a talk like that since ever.
Rose: It must've been fun.
Blanche: Oh, yeah. We did each other's hair and laughed and laughed.
Sophia: I can see why.

Dorothy: Ma, why are you still here? You were supposed to have your checkup with Dr. Siegel this morning.
Sophia: Oh, you didn't hear about Dr. Siegel.
Dorothy: Hear what?
Sophia: I'm not going.
Dorothy: Ma, you are impossible. Now, this is the third appointment you've missed.
Sophia: At my age, checkups can be dangerous to your health. You know Sam down the block, the one who thinks he's hiding his stomach by wearing Hawaiian shirts?
Dorothy: Yeah, Sam is fine.
Sophia: His brother went for a checkup seven years ago. The doctor said he was great. Three days after the exam, he was dead.
Dorothy: Ma, he owed money to a guy named Face and got thrown off a pier.
Sophia: That was one of the causes.

Blanche: Oh, you know, I think this is the best visit we've ever had.
Becky: I think it's because you've realized I'm a grown woman.
Blanche: Well, I never thought the day would come, but we are finally the same age.