[flashback:]
Blanche: Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Rose: What kind of protection?
Dorothy: Two armed Pinkerton guards. No, Blanche is talking about, uh...
Rose: A Nestle's Crunch?
Dorothy: One over.
Rose: An enema bag?
Dorothy: To the right.
Rose: Dentu-Grip?
Dorothy: Condoms, Rose. Condoms, condoms, condoms!

[flashback:]
Blanche: Oh, come on, now. We may be from different generations but some things never change. Love is love, period.
Young Man: Yeah, I suppose, but every couple is different.
Blanche: You just listen. We were sitting right here. George took my hand in both of his and looked deep into my eyes and and he said, "You know, Blanche, you're a very special lady." And then he said how he just couldn't bear the thought of spending even one day out of the rest of his life without me right there. And then he said: "Blanche, would you be my wife?" And after I stopped crying I said yes.
Young Man: Blanche, you're right. Love is love, period. Some things never change. I'm gonna go through with it.
Blanche: Well, good for you. Here. And thank you for listening.
Young Man: Oh, Victor, come on. Let's get a table. There's something I have to tell you.
Blanche: [to the bartender] Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe some things do change.

[flashback:]
Blanche: There's no reason to be embarrassed. These are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own. [to the clerk] I'd like a package of these, please.
Dorothy: And, uh, I'll take these.
Rose: And I'll take these.
Blanche: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Clerk: [over p.a.] Uh, Joe, I need a price check on some condoms. These three ladies here want a couple of boxes of the King George prophylactics.
Joe: [o.s.] The lambskins or the ultrasensitive?
Clerk: Two of 'em have the lambskins and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, in black.
Joe: The lambskins are $12.95 and the black's a dollar extra.
Dorothy: Look at all these people staring at us. Oh, this is humiliating.
Rose: I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Blanche: [over p.a.] All right, just what in hell are all of you staring at? Haven't you ever seen three vibrant, healthy, sexually active women before? Now, we are embarking on a little weekend cruise with some longtime gentlemen friends, and if we decide to be intimate, then we'll be prepared. We're not embarrassed, we're not uncomfortable, we are not humiliated. We're gonna walk outta here today with our heads held high, secure in the knowledge that what we have done is morally and socially responsible. Isn't that right, girls?
Dorothy: I have no idea who this woman is. I bought these for my brother.

Sophia: What did you get?
Dorothy: I'm not sure. I think it's coconut. It's white on the inside but there's a red ring around the outside.
Sophia: Oh, that's my lipstick. I don't like coconut.
Dorothy: Ma, that's disgusting! That piece of chocolate was in your mouth and I just put it in mine.
Sophia: Big deal. We took a bite out of the same piece of chocolate. Call C. Everett Koop. I only breast-fed you for two years of your life. You wanna talk disgusting? That's disgusting.

Sophia: Don't take it out on me because your date dumped you on Valentine's Day.
Dorothy: Edgar did not dump me. He and his lawyer were called out of town on urgent business.
Sophia: Oh, please. The man sells birdbaths for a living. What happened, a sparrow slipped and is suing him?

Blanche: [answering phone] Hello. Oh, hello, Steve. I'm all ready to go What are you talking about? I spent all day getting ready. Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Drop dead. [hangs up]
Rose: What's wrong?
Blanche: Nothing. Well, don't wait up. I'll, uh... Good night.
Dorothy: Blanche. Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?
Blanche: Yes.
Rose: How did you know that, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I'm clairvoyant, Rose.
Rose: You're so lucky. I get into a pool, I sink like a stone. But how did you know about Blanche?

[flashback:]
Sophia: Salvadore, what are you looking at? You don't have to pretend you know about cars. You wanna impress me, learn to eat with a fork instead of a bread crust.
Papa Angelo: If you ask me, he ran out of gas.
Salvadore: Nobody asked you.
Papa Angelo: Was I talking to you? I'm talking to my daughter. To me, you don't exist.
Salvadore: Then who's driving you to your niece's wedding in California?
Sophia: Salvadore, you're upsetting Papa. Would you please find a mechanic. It's freezing in here.
Papa Angelo: Of course it's freezing in here. Mr. Ziti-for-Brains decides to take a shortcut through Chicago in the dead of winter.
Sophia: Pop, he didn't plan it that way. He lost the map. He didn't know where he was going.
Papa Angelo: I could've told him where he was going. I told you where he was going the first time I met him. Nowhere. That's where he was going. You married a bum.

[flashback:]
Papa Angelo: OK, I'm ready. Let's go.
Sophia: Papa, what was that noise?
Papa Angelo: My guess is machine guns.
Sophia: What?
Papa Angelo: I'm in the back looking for the john, OK? I see a bunch of guys lined up facing the wall, so I figure the toilet is broken, so I'm gonna wait in place behind one of these guys. Suddenly, someone's yelling to me, "Get outta there. You don't belong here." I say, "Wait a minute. I've peed against better walls than this in my time," when I see he's holding a machine gun. So I decide to take his advice. I move. Rat-a-tat-tat, everybody's falling, like flies on your Aunt Regine.
Sophia: You're letting your imagination run wild, Papa. This is Chicago, not Sicily. You're just a little homesick, that's all. [gunfire]
Salvadore: I saw another garage a couple of blocks away.
Papa Angelo: The car's not running.
Salvadore: Hey, who cares? I am.

Dorothy: Ma, that never happened. You were not at the St. Valentine's Day massacre.
Sophia: I didn't say I was at the St. Valentine's Day massacre, I said I was at a St. Valentine's Day massacre. It was Chicago, and in those days Chicago stood for two things.
Rose: What were they?
Sophia: How the hell should I know? What am I, Studs Terkel? I forgot.

Rose: Why are you two being so mean to me?
Dorothy: Because we're in bad moods. And because we remember what you did to us last Valentine's Day.
Rose: You promised you'd never bring that up again.
Sophia: What happened?
Blanche: You don't remember what happened last Valentine's Day?
Sophia: Please. I'm 82. Be thankful I remember not to wear my underwear outside of my dress. Most of the time.