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‘An Illegitimate Concern’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: An Illegitimate Concern

518. An Illegitimate Concern

Aired February 12, 1990

Blanche is shocked when a young man turns up in Miami and says his father was her late husband, George. Meanwhile, Dorothy and Sophia enter a pageant at Shady Pines.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche: What's the other theory?
Dorothy: Men are scum.

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Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Please, Dorothy. If we win this thing, I can die a happy woman.
Dorothy: Ma, I refuse to be a part of your neurotic need to be number one. Now, just let it go.
Sophia: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get more than halfway across the street before the "Don't Walk" sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Oh, now, that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose: And you know what else is so strange about it? He didn't bring them in.
Blanche: Rose. No encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.
Rose: Are you kidding? In St. Olaf they carry 52.
Blanche: Why?
Rose: Balance.
Dorothy: Rose, why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?
Rose: Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People don't realize how hard it is to roll log when you're wearing an evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.
Dorothy: Quelle surprise!
Rose: Don't I know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.
Dorothy: Rose, hand me that newspaper.
Rose: No. You're gonna hit me with it.
Dorothy: No, I won't.
Rose: You promise?
Dorothy: I promise. [Dorothy hands the newspaper to Blanche, who hits Rose with it]

Quote from Rose

Rose: I'm sorry. But this song always takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s. And the controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.
Dorothy: What, Rose? Vietnam? Civil rights? Campus unrest?
Rose: Opposite-side-of-the-street parking. Nobody could understand the concept. I mean, it doesn't matter which side of the street you park on, there's always an opposite side.
Sophia: What an injustice. Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and shot himself. She just keeps on going.

Quote from Rose

Rose: My Charlie never cheated on me. I think it was because the divorce laws were so stringent in St. Olaf. The wife gets to keep everything that doesn't ferment.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?
Dorothy: June 1, 1949. At my wedding.
Sophia: Oh, well. That's because pregnant women have that special glow.
Sophia: I think it's time to tell you again. You're a beautiful woman, Dorothy.
Dorothy: What do you want, Ma?
Sophia: You're so suspicious. I'm hurt. This is why the compliments only come every 40 years.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: All right. All right, Ma, I'll do it. You've made me a happy woman.
Sophia: Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear one of the judges has a fetish- [to Blanche & Rose] Dorothy's gonna be in the mother-daughter beauty pageant with me.
Blanche: Oh, really? Listen, I know one of the judges. Just keep telling the little bald guy he's been naughty.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Blanche, I don't know about that. I mean, if he had a crush on you, why did he come here asking about George?
Blanche: Because he's been in love from afar, and that was his way of approaching. But he he lost his nerve at the door.
Dorothy: Look, if you are right, I think you're taking this too lightly. Sure, he may be infatuated with you, but he also might be some kind of nut.
Blanche: Oh, I tell you, the boy's in love. Rose, what do you think?
Rose: A sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry, Blanche. I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: David, I want you to come in and sit down. Now, we have to have a talk. I am tired of you lurking around outside my house and tailing me at the supermarket. Now, enough is enough. You have an unhealthy, obsessive love for me. Honey, you need professional help.
David: Mrs. Devereaux, I don't have those feelings for you.
Blanche: Oh.
David: I have been following you around, and I'm sorry. But I have something to tell you, and well, this is just so difficult for me.
Blanche: Oh. Whenever I have something hard to say, I just say it fast. Like back in high school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the football team. Well, I was very nervous. So I just spat it right out. "Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins." Afterwards, I felt much better. You just go ahead and tell me. Go ahead.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I don't want to talk about it. Oh, how could George betray me this way? Dammit, those wedding vows were sacred to me. Well, they must have been. I turned down hundreds, thousands of offers. Teachers, doctors, astronauts. I even said no to a journalist famous for his work on 60 Minutes. Now, if that's not fidelity, I don't know what is. Then I find out that the only man I ever loved cheated on me. On me! Oh, I could just die. [exits]
Sophia: I'll bet it was Morley Safer.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: This is tough, Blanche. I know how you feel. I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.
Dorothy: Ma. Really?
Sophia: I was pregnant with your brother Phil. And just because I put on 40lbs and was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.
Dorothy: Did you ever find out who it was?
Sophia: I never actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike thing who never shut up. I guess variety is the spice of life.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Blanche, there's something I need to tell you. I've told a lie and now I have a guilty conscience.
Blanche: Really? You know, I've heard that could happen.
Rose: I lied to you when I said Charlie never cheated on me. You know, he was this traveling salesman, and one very dark night he ran out of gas in front of this farmhouse. And he knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. And the farmer said, "Yes, but there's only one place you can sleep and that's with my daughter." Well, the ironic thing was, if it had been light out, Charlie would have realized that he was just two blocks away from home. It was really embarrassing because that story really got around. I must have heard it a hundred times. Everybody thought it was a big joke.
Blanche: That must have hurt.
Rose: Yeah, it hurt a lot. And it made me angry. I was so mad, I refused to make strudel for a year.
Blanche: That's not so bad.
Rose: "Strudel" was our little pet name for sex.
Blanche: Wow. You were mad.
Rose: You bet. But I decided one mistake shouldn't erase the memories of all the good times, or how much we loved each other. Don't throw George's memory away just 'cause he made a mistake.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [to a photo of George] You son of a- You put me through all this and I could have had Andy Rooney.


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