Blanche: Why did George cheat on me?
Rose: Why does any man cheat?
Dorothy: Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.
Blanche: What's the other theory?
Dorothy: Men are scum.

Sophia: Please, Dorothy. If we win this thing, I can die a happy woman.
Dorothy: Ma, I refuse to be a part of your neurotic need to be number one. Now, just let it go.
Sophia: How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get more than halfway across the street before the "Don't Walk" sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.

Dorothy: Oh, now, that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?
Rose: And you know what else is so strange about it? He didn't bring them in.
Blanche: Rose. No encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.
Rose: Are you kidding? In St. Olaf they carry 52.
Blanche: Why?
Rose: Balance.
Dorothy: Rose, why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?
Rose: Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.

Rose: I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People don't realize how hard it is to roll log when you're wearing an evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.
Dorothy: Quelle surprise!
Rose: Don't I know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.
Dorothy: Rose, hand me that newspaper.
Rose: No. You're gonna hit me with it.
Dorothy: No, I won't.
Rose: You promise?
Dorothy: I promise. [Dorothy hands the newspaper to Blanche, who hits Rose with it]

Rose: I'm sorry. But this song always takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s. And the controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.
Dorothy: What, Rose? Vietnam? Civil rights? Campus unrest?
Rose: Opposite-side-of-the-street parking. Nobody could understand the concept. I mean, it doesn't matter which side of the street you park on, there's always an opposite side.
Sophia: What an injustice. Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and shot himself. She just keeps on going.

Dorothy: Blanche, I don't know about that. I mean, if he had a crush on you, why did he come here asking about George?
Blanche: Because he's been in love from afar, and that was his way of approaching. But he he lost his nerve at the door.
Dorothy: Look, if you are right, I think you're taking this too lightly. Sure, he may be infatuated with you, but he also might be some kind of nut.
Blanche: Oh, I tell you, the boy's in love. Rose, what do you think?
Rose: A sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry, Blanche. I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.

Rose: My Charlie never cheated on me. I think it was because the divorce laws were so stringent in St. Olaf. The wife gets to keep everything that doesn't ferment.

Blanche: I don't want to talk about it. Oh, how could George betray me this way? Dammit, those wedding vows were sacred to me. Well, they must have been. I turned down hundreds, thousands of offers. Teachers, doctors, astronauts. I even said no to a journalist famous for his work on 60 Minutes. Now, if that's not fidelity, I don't know what is. Then I find out that the only man I ever loved cheated on me. On me! Oh, I could just die. [exits]
Sophia: I'll bet it was Morley Safer.

Dorothy: All right. All right, Ma, I'll do it. You've made me a happy woman.
Sophia: Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear one of the judges has a fetish- [to Blanche & Rose] Dorothy's gonna be in the mother-daughter beauty pageant with me.
Blanche: Oh, really? Listen, I know one of the judges. Just keep telling the little bald guy he's been naughty.

Sophia: Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?
Dorothy: June 1, 1949. At my wedding.
Sophia: Oh, well. That's because pregnant women have that special glow.
Sophia: I think it's time to tell you again. You're a beautiful woman, Dorothy.
Dorothy: What do you want, Ma?
Sophia: You're so suspicious. I'm hurt. This is why the compliments only come every 40 years.