Dorothy: I never had a mind for money matters. I always used to let Stanley handle all our investments.
Rose: Did he have a head for numbers, Stanley?
Dorothy: The man used to have to get naked to count to 21.

Sophia: Let me tell you a story, Dorothy. Picture it: Sicily, 1920. Two young girls pack their bags and leave their tiny village to seek fame and fortune and a meal cooked without oregano. Their journey takes them to a seaside town where a ship prepares to depart for the New World. They're just-
Dorothy: The New World?
Sophia: Hey, anybody can say Baltimore. There's an art to telling these stories.
Dorothy: Sorry.
Sophia: Where was I?
Dorothy: Departing for the New World.
Sophia: Oh, right. Anyway, the price of steerage turns out to be 900,000 lire. Or approximately a buck and a quarter. Which is exactly the amount of each girl's life savings.
Dorothy: Exactly?
Sophia: That's why this is a story instead of an immigration report. May I continue? One girl chooses to spend her money and take a chance on adventure. The other plays it cautiously and books only a ferry to Sardinia, saving the rest of her money for a rainy day.
Dorothy: Lemme guess, Ma. You were the one who chose adventure.
Sophia: You also would've said Baltimore instead of the New World. You're no good at this, Dorothy. I'm the girl who played it safe. Maybe if I'd made the other choice, I'd have been prime minister of Israel instead of my good friend Golda Meir.
Dorothy: Ma, you never met Golda Meir!
Sophia: Please! I almost married her husband, the man who perfected the hot dog.
Dorothy & Sophia: Oscar Meyer.

Dorothy: We have to consider this very carefully. We could be holding the man's fate in our hands.
Blanche: I once held a man's fate in my hands.
Sophia: I'm shocked.
Blanche: It was back in high school. I was dating the quarterback of the football team. All the major colleges were trying to recruit him. I was pretty sure he was leaning toward Notre Dame 'cause he asked me how to spell it. But secretly, I was hoping for Alabama. Going to Notre Dame would put such a wrench in our relationship, with all those priests skulking about the campus. Anyway, one night, he told me he'd finally made his decision. He was gonna enroll at the little junior college just 5 miles outside of town. When I said, "Honey, why? They don't even have a football team," he answered by slipping a ring on my finger and proposing marriage. well, I could not believe it. I sat there for almost half an hour just staring at that ring. Finally I said, "Honey, this will not do. I cannot accept this ring."
Rose: Because you loved him too much to stand in the way of his career.
Blanche: No, because it was a piece of cheap glass, and the band was turning my finger green.

Rose: I still feel uncomfortable about going through Pepe's things.
Blanche: Me, too. Although it was kind of exciting opening his closet and seeing his little boxing trunks hanging there with that provocative nickname on 'em.
Dorothy: Blanche, Everlast is a brand name, not a nickname.

Blanche: Girls, you are my very best friends in the entire world, and I trust and respect you more than any people I know. So I want you to tell me the truth. Now, honestly, do you think I'm competent at what I do?
Rose: Based on the sounds from your bedroom, I'd bet you're damn near spectacular.

Blanche: I am talking about my job at the museum.
Dorothy: Of course you're competent, Blanche. I mean, they wouldn't have kept you for five years if you weren't.
Blanche: Then why do you think my boss is constantly looking over my shoulder?
Dorothy: I would guess a plunging neckline and a push-up bra.

Blanche: I swear, sometimes I think I just wanna throw in the towel and take an early retirement. I wonder if you can collect Social Security at 49, 50.
Dorothy: 4950? What is that, Blanche, the address of the Social Security building?

Dorothy: Now, if you ask me, we are doing fine, starting out slow, you know, going in on that certificate of deposit together. It's the simplest form of investment. An idiot couldn't screw it up. By the way, Rose, what was the rate today for the CD at the bank?
Rose: I didn't go to the bank today, Dorothy. I was called into work early, so I asked Sophia to go for us.
Dorothy: You let Ma leave the house with $3,000 of our money?
Rose: What's wrong with that?
Dorothy: What's wrong?! Odds are she'll probably come back with a handful of magic beans!

Dorothy: Ma, you bought a prizefighter?
Sophia: It's a once-in-a-lifetime investment. A week from now, you're gonna be kissing the ground I walk on.
Dorothy: Yes, you're gonna be looking up at it from the other side.

Dorothy: Well, no matter what your reasons were, you obviously made the right decision. He probably went on to a very successful career in football.
Blanche: Actually, he was so crushed by my rejection that he gave up football and turned gay.
Dorothy: You don't "turn gay." You're either gay, or you're not gay. You had nothing to do with it.
Blanche: Dorothy, if he had been gay before, he would have had better taste in jewelry.