Beverly: Blessings upon me. All my boopies together in one place? What is this?
Adam: Everyone just stopped by for my... "We Are the Jenkintown" charity music video.
Beverly: Oh, like "We Are the World," but infinitely smaller. What's your charity?
Adam: Uh, a really good one. The Downtown... Women's... Center for Charity... Business.
Beverly: Be careful, Adam. Most of these places are gonna rip you off, and that one sounds a little fake.
Erica: Because it is. Adam's scared that you're gonna wig out and wreck his graduation, like you absolutely will.

Geoff: Erica, you got to do this.
Joanne: I'm sorry, is Erica the one whose parents bought her a fake Grammy on their trip to California?
Erica: Babe, I left my rock 'n' roll dreams behind. I traded in my guitar for a guy with long eyelashes and remarkably soft hands.
Geoff: It's nice that you find beauty in my less masculine features, but, come on, it's just one night, and who's got a better voice than you?

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Erica was gonna chase her dreams again, my mom was interrupting mine.
Adam: [wakes up; screams] So not okay!
Beverly: No, what's not okay is you keep moving. How else am I supposed to finish sketching the front of my "Adam Sleeping Angel" book?
Adam: I didn't sign off on that project. I'm an adult. Please don't be in my room while I sleep.
Beverly: Oh, poo, you don't mind it when I brush your hair.
Adam: What?
Beverly: Why do you think it's so silky smooth when you wake up in the morning? It's the mama hair fairy.
Adam: Ugh!
Beverly: Fine, I'll do it from memory.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was a waking nightmare. Graduation day was almost here, and my mom was still treating me like I was a baby.
Beverly: This is your captain speaking. I have a Pancake Airlines flight yumming in for a landing.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] And from there, believe it or not, it only got worse. Look what I found!
Adam: A painful memory from my childhood?
Beverly: Fun story... I was up in the attic just rooting through all the dozens of boxes of your childhood clothes with my headlamp on, and I just stumbled across it.
Adam: That is fun, if "fun" means totally and disturbingly insane.
Beverly: Oh, I knew you'd be excited, too. Wanna try it on?
Adam: Not even a little, which is what that is, because, again, I wore it as a child.
Beverly: Well, I'm gonna let it out a little bit to accommodate your beautifully developing man body.

Adam: This is bad. She's in total denial that I'm graduating. I know you already said no, but I really need your help, man.
Barry: Suppose I were to help you, what's in it for me?
Adam: The deep gratitude of your only brother?
Barry: Worthless. I guess I could take all your graduation gifts.
Adam: But they're a way for the people in my life to honor my biggest achievement.
Barry: And now they'll be honoring me.
Adam: Fine, all the extremely personal, tailor-made gifts to start my adult life are yours.
Barry: Yeah, they are. And for no other reason beyond cruel whimsy, I want the cards too.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Erica panicked about performing for a full house... [doorbell ringing] ...Barry was gonna show my mom that it wasn't so bad to have an empty one.
[montage:]
Barry: Mom, Pop-Pop's come for a visit!
Barry: Mama, look, it's treasured family friend, Bill Lewis!
Barry: Mother of mine, it's neighbor and unlikely confidant, John Glascott.
Barry: Grizzled Grandpappy, a query. You've raised two kids. How's life been since they went out on their own?
Pop-Pop: Best years of my life.
Bill Lewis: Without a doubt, it has been nice.
Mr. Glascott: While I have almost no living relatives or progeny, I consider my empty home a gift.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Barry had considered everything, except that this was a terrible idea.
[montage:]
Pop-Pop: I'm completely alone. Every sound at night is just a burglar coming to extinguish the pain of existence.
Bill Lewis: Sure, there were some dark days after Lainey left. Dark, dark, daaaaark days. And nights, which are naturally dark.
Mr. Glascott: I currently fill my time updating "John and Bev's Adventure List." This notebook contains over 100 fun activities and vacations that you and I can go on once Adam's out of my way.
Pop-Pop: I spend my evenings at the window flinging pistachio shells at the mice I've given names to. Oh, who am I kidding? They're rats!
Bill Lewis: Never cleaned Lainey's room. She'd left a bowl of Doritos that rotted into mushy green triangles. Every once in a while, I'd eat one and I swear I can hear her laughter.
Mr. Glascott: And if you look on page 37, you'll see the Ottawa Non-Alcoholic Wine Festival.
Bill Lewis: But eventually, you get up, brush your tongue, and pretend life is okay.
Pop-Pop: Every time I fall, I say, "This is where I'm going to die."
Mr. Glascott: It's just Canadian grape juice. But the real buzz comes from the people.

Erica: Oh, my God, that was amazing!
Geoff: You were amazing!
Erica: I was? I mean, I felt like I was, but you felt it, too?
Geoff: Totally! I mean, I was sitting right next to the fog machine, so for a while, I thought you were the keyboardist. He has bangs, too.
Erica: He also has a soul patch.
Geoff: Like I said, it was foggy.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] While Geoff knew Erica couldn't turn down that offer, Barry turned to the Frentas to help with my mom.
Barry: There you are. It was so hard to find you two, because neither of you have jobs.
Virginia Kremp: Uh, I have a thriving floral business.
Barry: Don't make me repeat myself.
Essie Karp: And motherhood is a full-time...
Barry: Save it.
Virginia Kremp: Barry Goldberg!

Barry: I'm sorry, I'm just really worried about my mom.
Essie Karp: Oh, no! Is she okay?
Barry: She's mumbling about building a time machine to go back when her little baby suckled at her life-giving grocery store. Her words.
Virginia Kremp: And yet you remembered them and thought to repeat them loudly in public.
Barry: I'm not looking for a give-and-take, Ginzy. Time to throw on your unflattering jogging suits and lift her spirits with one of your power walks!
Essie Karp: Well, I wish I could, but I sprained my ankle at aerobics class. Well, crossing the street to get to the wine bar after. Also, I didn't go to aerobics class.
Barry: No one cares about your lack of discipline, Essie. You need to help distract my mom from the sad reality that her weirdest and youngest child is leaving home!
Virginia Kremp: Barry, despite your unappealing words, I understand, because my Chad is also graduating today.
Barry: Never heard of him. Stop with these flimsy excuses and do your duty as my mother's best friends/pathetic followers. Now, go! Go, go!