Bob: Look, Red. You should take Kitty's request for a love life spice up seriously. When Midge wanted to turbo-charge our love life, it was really a symptom of a much deeper marital problem.
Red: Yeah, that you were deviants.
Bob: Deviants? Well, the couple we were dating sure didn't seem to think so.

Bob: So, Red, we got your muffler store flier, and I'm a little hurt. You know, you never asked for my input. I mean, I had a business of my own.
Red: Bob, your business went under.
Bob: Yeah, but very slowly.

Kitty: I will have you know that my friend Linda just filled me in on some slang words that some people in my family find funny. And now I can never feel comfortable with my muff again.
Eric: Mom... [Hyde and Eric laugh]
Kitty: Don't laugh, mister. When you were a baby, I used to put you in it when you got out of the tub.
Eric: Okay, this isn't funny anymore. Stop.

Kitty: Okay, well, nobody's talking about the elephant in the room, so I'll do it. You're Black.
Eric: Mom! Okay, please, Mr. Barnett, we're very open-minded.
Kitty: Oh! Oh, no, he's right. I, myself, love that singer Art Garfunkel.
Hyde: Art Garfunkel's white.
Kitty: Really? Well, his name's got the "funk" in it, so I... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Red, who's that Black person I like?
Red: Martin Luther King?
Kitty: Yes!

Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby. Like now and I guess when she's born.

Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So, I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself, "You know what? "You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No," because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time. But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.

Bob: Eric better have a good reason for being late. There's only two acceptable excuses for tardiness in a Pinciotti household. One, traffic was terrible. Two, I should have left earlier, but I was doing something.
Red: Well, Donna's not here, either. Oh, maybe her new house ran out of gas.

Kitty: Very nice. Baby says, "It's tight, but not too tight, and I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom." [laughs]
Kelso: I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.
Brooke: I know what I'm doing. It's just, it sounded so much easier in the books. Okay, there.
Kitty: Let's have a look. Uh-oh! Baby says, "That's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
Brooke: I just have to redo the safety pin. God, why can't I do this?
Kitty: Oh, no. Baby says, "Ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry." [imitates crying]
Brooke: That's it. I give up. [exits]
Kitty: "Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care." [imitates crying]
Kelso: You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

Eric: I just spent six hours registering for wedding gifts. The only reason I'm here now is I pretended to choke on ice cream.
Red: I'll let you in on a little secret for when you're shopping with women. Always pick the ugliest, worst choice, and you're off the hook. That's how I got out of shopping for this couch.
Eric: There was an uglier couch than this?
Red: The one I picked had dragons on it.
Eric: Wow, you're sneaky. You know, you act like you're all about brute force, but you're a finesse player, man.
Red: Trust me, son. Don't budge until you hear the magic words, "Oh, I'll just do it myself."
Kitty: [enters] You're done registering already? You men, you just don't know how to shop. You know, your father once tried to get me to buy a couch with dragons on it.
Red: Yeah, I guess I'm just bad at it.

Donna: No, this has been really hard. And this celibacy thing was my idea, so... I need to accept some responsibility for the odd and disgusting things you do.
Eric: That's right, you do.
Donna: But, you know, next time, be like a normal person. Go to your room, lock the door, light some candles, put on some Al Green and make an evening of it.
Eric: Wow, Donna, that was really detailed. [chuckles] It's almost like... Oh, my God! You do it, too!
Donna: What?
Eric: No, no! I'd noticed the candles getting lower, even though I'd never seen them lit!
Donna: All right, this conversation is over! [exits]
Eric: Wow. So, this is where it all happens. [takes candle]