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Happy Jack

‘Happy Jack’

Season 6, Episode 17 -  Aired March 24, 2004

Donna is disturbed when she catches Eric pleasuring himself in her house. Meanwhile, Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the Police Academy. [Guest star: James Avery]

Quote from Donna

Donna: No, this has been really hard. And this celibacy thing was my idea, so... I need to accept some responsibility for the odd and disgusting things you do.
Eric: That's right, you do.
Donna: But, you know, next time, be like a normal person. Go to your room, lock the door, light some candles, put on some Al Green and make an evening of it.
Eric: Wow, Donna, that was really detailed. [chuckles] It's almost like... Oh, my God! You do it, too!
Donna: What?
Eric: No, no! I'd noticed the candles getting lower, even though I'd never seen them lit!
Donna: All right, this conversation is over! [exits]
Eric: Wow. So, this is where it all happens. [takes candle]


Quote from Fez

Eric: You know what? This is Donna's fault with her, you know, "No more sex till we're married" crap. You guys have no idea how hard it's been to have no sex at all.
Fez: Yeah, it must be horrible.
Eric: Seriously, you guys, what do I do now?
Hyde: I say you've got to pull a Nixon. Deny, deny, deny.
Fez: No, you just need a good story. Whenever I get caught, I just tell people that I'm checking for ticks.
Hyde: Fez, how many times have you been caught?
Fez: Oh, come on, I'm not stopping just because a doorknob turns.

Quote from Jackie

Donna: Okay, the thing is, I knew Eric did that, but knowing and seeing are two very different things. It's kind of like how I know there are rats under the house.
Jackie: But you don't want to see the rats diddling themselves in your bathroom.
Donna: Exactly!
Jackie: But, Donna, you're missing the whole point here. Eric's perverted behavior can be a card you could play for the rest of your life. Let's just say you want Eric to buy you a diamond, but he says, "No." You just say, "Why, are you busy?" Five minutes later, you're Elizabeth Taylor.
Donna: Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman in a relationship not built on blackmail.
Jackie: It's called a lesbian, Donna, and you're going to have to go to New York for that.

Quote from Red

Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea, I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three.
Red: What are you, an animal?

Quote from Red

Red: And that is why you never, ever talk about it. Have you ever noticed how often I just grunt at your mother? I know how to talk. I'm not an ape.
Eric: Right.
Red: I just choose not to.
Eric: Right.
Red: Well, it's too late for that now, since you screwed up and talked about it. There's only one thing to do. Go on the offensive. Counter attack.
Eric: What? That's suicide, man.
Red: They'll never expect it. It throws them off. You know, one time in Korea, we had this little guy outnumbered 20-to-1. But then he ran at us, screaming his head off. And we were so taken off guard, that we dove right into our foxholes.
Eric: And he got away?
Red: No, no. No, I mean we were startled for a few seconds, but then the whole company just opened up on him.

Quote from Eric

Eric: Okay, okay. Okay, something happened. And I think it's safe to say that it was certainly in the area of horrific. Like war, or when my mom sings "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" while she vacuums.
Fez: What happened?
Eric: Well, we all know that as a young man in the prime of his life, I have some needs.
Fez: Amen, brother.
Hyde: Wait a minute. This is the prime of your life? You live at home with your mommy and you have to wear a name tag at work.
Eric: Anyway... Today, at the house of the woman that I was theoretically going to marry, I had some needs that I felt it necessary to take care of right then and there.
Hyde: In her house? Why don't you just do it at the bus station like the other degenerates?
Eric: It's... I... You know, I don't know. There I was, there the bathroom was. It was like two trains passing in the night.
Fez: That's beautiful.
Eric: You know, it kind of was. And then Donna walked in.

Quote from Kitty

Donna: So, do you get what I'm saying?
Kitty: I think so. He was busy?
Donna: In my house!
Kitty: I raised him better than that.
Donna: I know this is weird, but I don't have anyone else to talk to.
Kitty: Really, did you call around? I could give you some numbers. No, no, no, I'm sorry. Okay, you and Eric need to be able to talk about this. I'm sure it'll be awkward at first, but, well, then... I am afraid it's just going to be awkward all the way through.
Donna: So, do you and Red have these kinds of conversations?
Kitty: Oh, no, no, no, no. [chuckles] No, we don't talk about stuff like this. [chuckles] Red can't even be naked in a room with a mirror.

Quote from Red

Eric: Morning.
Red: Well, if it isn't Casanova. The man who seduced himself.
Eric: Oh, God.

Quote from Donna

Donna: [to Kitty] Well, I'm sure Eric and I will be able to talk about this like we talk about everything, because that's what you do. In an open, mature relationship, you face things head on.
Eric: [enters] Oh, God!
Donna: Dirty! [runs out]

Quote from Donna

Donna: Where the hell is Eric with our sodas? Eric!
Jackie: Maybe he ran home. He's kind of a mama's boy.
Donna: Eric? [opens bathroom door] Oh, my God!
Eric: [o.s.] I'm busy!
Donna: [closes door] Oh, my God!
Jackie: Ew. Was he going to the bathroom?
Donna: No! [Jackie and Donna scream and run away]

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