Kelso: Okay, I think it's obvious what happened to Eric. We got an abandoned car, a flat tire and footprints heading off in that direction. Ms. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes.
Red: Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help?
Kelso: And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

Red: I told him this was a stupid idea, and now we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere. My foot is shaking, it wants to kick his ass so bad.

Eric: So, Leo, what have you been doing since you left town?
Leo: Uh, just wandering around trying to find my place in life.
Eric: Yeah, I've been trying to find my place in life, too. It's like... You know, like, where do I fit in?
Leo: No, I've been looking for my house, man.

Donna: Jackie, how are you gonna tell people the news if you don't know any news?
Jackie: Well, I know all the news that's really important, like, who's got a new car, what store is having a sale on leggings, and if there'll ever be peace in the Middle East. [giggles] Who am I kidding? No one cares about China.

Donna: I hate this room. It reminds me of my dad dancing around half-naked with finger cymbals.
Jackie: Well, my show is gonna be a news show.
Fez: All-nude or just topless?
Jackie: Not nude, news.
Fez: I'm not hearing the difference.

Kitty: He just wants you to have some direction and so do I. And you are in luck because I got the new issue of Cosmo.
Eric: Oh, well, I'm just not sure I need seven new ways to please my man.
Kitty: No. No. Honey, it's a job aptitude test. Okay, question number one. "Do you consider yourself creative?"
Eric: Well...
Kitty: Yes. You were a little wiz at macaroni art. "Do you prefer to work alone or with others?"
Eric: Alone.
Kitty: Nope, you love people. Okay, question three. "Do you..." Oh, that's easy.
Eric: Look, Mom, I'm happy just enjoying my world. I'm like an explorer. I'm exactly like Christopher Columbus. Except, you know, I've been incredibly distracted by television.
Kitty: Okay. All done. Now, according to your answers, you should be a nurse!

Red: Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Donna: Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a "Go Darth Vader" jersey.
Eric: Donna, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play Manuku.
Hyde: Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply T-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
Red: For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
Eric: No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown.
I like The Little Engine That Could. I like the Bears.

Kelso: There's a black Ford sedan outside. Hyde's right, the Feds found us.
Hyde: Damn it, Kelso. You finally figure out how to use a phone, now we're all going to jail.
Eric: I think you guys are overreacting. There's no way the government would park a car right outside my house.
Hyde: Forman, anything you think the government's not doing, they are doing. The only thing they didn't do is land the man on the moon. No, no, no, no, no. Spielberg shot the entire thing in a Hollywood movie set. That's how he got the job for Jaws.

Jackie: Thank you for helping me, Mrs. Forman. Steven is gonna love these cookies.
Kitty: Okay, now start by cracking a couple of eggs into the bowl.
Jackie: I can't touch an egg.
Kitty: Why not?
Jackie: 'Cause it came out of a chicken butt.
Kitty: Honey, they wash it.
Jackie: Well, wash it all you want, it still came out of a butt.

Eric: So, Mom, in the interest of returning regular meal service to my now shattered life, I'm here to help. So just tell me the problem beneath the dirty, gross problem.
Kitty: Honey, there is none. I just want your father and me to have more adventurous sexual intercourse.
Eric: Well, this is one of those times I'm kind of happy my stomach's empty. Um, look, instead of calling it, uh, sexual inter... [clears throat] Instead of calling it that, why don't we call it, like, a walk in the park?
Kitty: Fine. I want your father and I to have more adventurous walks in the park. I want to walk in the park in the kitchen. [chuckles] Walk in the park on a Tuesday. [chuckles] I even want to walk in the park in the park.
Eric: Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, Mom. I think you're playing this all wrong. Dad wants you to have a deeper emotional issue. Invent one. He'll give you anything you want to avoid talking about... walks in the park. So think big. You know, I might be able to get you diamonds here. Maybe even a new car. This is like emotional Price is Right, baby. You're in the Showcase.
Kitty: Oh, I also want to walk in the park during The Price is Right. [laughs]
Eric: Oh, God.