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‘Substitute’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

That '70s Show: Substitute

619. Substitute

Aired April 21, 2004

After Eric accidentally injures Mitch (Seth Green) while the guys play minigolf, he invites Mitch to join the gang in the basement. Meanwhile, Bob asks Jackie's mom, Pamela (Brooke Shields), to move in with him.

Quote from Red

Bob: Wow, I love this place. It's not just dinner. It's a thrill ride, 'cause there's a small chance you're getting knifed.
Red: I don't know, Bob. I've tried to avoid Asians with weapons ever since 7,000 of them tried to kill me.
Kitty: Well... [chuckles] It's thanks to the work of brave men like you that America's enemies are working here for a minimum wage.

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Quote from Red

Red: I just think it's pretty suspicious that after we left the Japanese restaurant our Japanese car broke down.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Okay, I'd like to thank everyone for coming back here with me. True, it is the place of my greatest humiliation. But the fish is good, the sake's strong, and these Japanese people are funny to watch.
Donna: That's the spirit, Dad. The slightly offensive spirit.

Quote from Eric

Eric: So yesterday I'm at this garage sale, I look down, and there it was. The Darth Vader action figure with the incredibly rare green light saber.
Hyde: How have I not kicked your ass yet?

Quote from Kelso

Eric: Mitch, I'm so sorry.
Mitch: What? I've lost the ability to process language on account of I have a concussion.
Kelso: There's more bad news. When you return to the course, you're gonna find that some punk drew boobs and a butt crack on the clown statue. And don't try to wash it off 'cause I used permanent marker.

Quote from Fez

Hyde: Forman, why'd you invite him over? You were almost out of there and you turned back around.
Kelso: Look, yeah, Forman, there's only two times in life that you turn back around, basketball and runway modeling.
Fez: No, and square dancing. It's called a do-si-do.

Quote from Fez

Fez: They look happy. Why don't we have a game?
Hyde: Would you stop asking me why don't we have stuff? "Why don't we have a song?" "Why don't we have a movie?" We're men.
Fez: I thought we were sensitive men.
Hyde: We're not.
Fez: One of us is.
Hyde: Shut up!
Fez: And it's not you.

Quote from Eric

Eric: Well, Mitch, I'll tell you what. It's been really fun having you over, but it's almost sundown, and we celebrate the Sabbath, so unless you have your... your... your little beanie, then I guess we're gonna have to say adios or shalom, as we say.
Mitch: You guys are Jewish? I'm Jewish!

Quote from Eric

Mitch: Hey, buddy. Whoa, Eric, you didn't tell me you had an older sister.
Eric: Oh. Please, if you're gonna go with fake charm, let's keep it in the realm of reality, okay?
Mitch: Oh, you shut your porky mouth. I have the skin of a 25-year-old... who smokes.

Quote from Eric

Mitch: You know, Mr. Forman, I learned a little about cars from my uncle who used to fix tanks in Vietnam. Now that's hero's work, fixing machines that kill people you don't agree with. My only regret is that I haven't had a chance to fight for my country.
Red: Really? Eric's only regret is that he doesn't live in space.
Eric: That's not my only regret. It's just one of them.

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