Kitty: Oh, oh, Red, a customer. Okay, now, you show him that you have the personal touch that Muffler Master doesn't. And if that doesn't work, tell him you have a fake leg. There is an orderly at the hospital who has a fake leg and he just gets whatever he wants.
Red: Can I help you?
Man: Yeah, I need a muffler.
Red: And I appreciate your business. I mean, sure, Muffler Master can give you half off, but here at Forman and Son, you get personalized home-town service with a smile.
Man: Half off? What am I doing here?
Red: Hey, what about my damn service with a smile? I have a fake leg!

Donna: Hey, you wrote the list and the list don't lie. And your ideal man is Fez!
Jackie: Oh... That is almost as ridiculous as you looking in the mirror and thinking this outfit works.
Donna: Oh, yeah? At least I can see over the bathroom counter to look in the mirror.
Jackie: Oh, hey, you know what? I found a perfect dress for you that'll fit you. Ah, you're gonna have to borrow it from the Statue of Liberty.
Donna: Okay. Okay, truce. I didn't mean to upset you. Let's just stop and call it even.
Jackie: Okay, fine.
Donna: [sings] You like Fez, you like Fez.

Jackie: Look, there are plenty of other things on this list. For instance, my perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call. And none of that describes Fez.
Fez: [enters] Did you call me?
Jackie: What? No, I...
Fez: Wow, Jackie, you look fantastic today. Oh, which reminds me, I got you a present. Enjoy it. Bye, guys! [exits]

Donna: So have you decided what you are gonna do about Sam?
Hyde: I don't know, man. I mean, on one hand, she kept a massive secret from me, and I don't think I can ever trust her again. On the other hand, I'm just a small-town burn-out with two stints in juvie. Who am I to judge?
Donna: Well, all I know is, she makes you happy. And the only other time I've seen such a big smile on your face was when you got Fez and Kelso to smash their heads together when you threw a peanut on the floor.
Hyde: It's a tough decision, man. I'm gonna let the ball decide. If I make the shot, I stay with Sam. If I miss, I say goodbye. [the ball gets stuck between the hoop and the backboard]
Donna: Huh. God's funny.

Red: Kitty, I just got back from the Muffler Master offices in Kenosha.
Kitty: Oh, I hate Kenosha. They think they're so much better than us just because they've got a town pool.
Red: Yeah. Well, I told them, no matter how many mom-and-pop stores they put out of business, they'd better not even think about opening a store near mine or they'll get a fight from me like they've never seen!
Kitty: That's my man! What did they say?
Red: They're putting a store across the street.
Kitty: Oh, Red, I'm sorry.
Red: Ah, don't be. I scaRed the heck out of them. They even offered me a little money for my shop.
Kitty: Well, I hope you told them to get lost.
Red: Course I did. Then they offered me more money.
Kitty: And you told them to stuff it.
Red: Damn right. And then they offered me a lot of money.
Kitty: Go to hell, Muffler Master.
Red: Actually, I accepted it.
Kitty: [reads check] Thank you, Muffler Master!

Red: Let me tell you something, son. I dodged a lot of bullets in Korea, but not one as crazy and blonde as the one that you just side-stepped.
Hyde: It's weird, man. I never imagined myself divorced from a Vegas stripper with a second husband at this age.
Red: I never imagined myself retired at this age. But all I know is, when life finally gives you a break from the crap storm, the best thing that you can do is to crack open a beer with a friend. To retirement.
Hyde: To divorce. You know, Red, retirement is gonna be great. Sleeping in every day, watching TV, doing nothing. I'd be happy to show you how it's done.

[Jackie's dream sequence:]
Fez: Beauty!
Jackie: Beast! I like your haircut.
Fez: Oh, thank you for noticing. Yeah, I had them take off a little extra off the wrists. So what brings you up to the forest of no return?
Jackie: Oh, see, I wrote up this list of who my perfect match should be, and everyone thinks it's you. I mean, isn't that crazy? You're a beast!
Fez: That's true, I'm disgusting.
Jackie: Yeah. Oh, yeah, you actually have a little piece of elf right here.
Fez: Did I get it?
Jackie: No, no, here, come here. [both chuckle] Okay. Well, I'll see you later, Beast.
[As Jackie goes to kiss Fez on the cheek, he transforms from a beast into a prince]
Jackie: Beast! You're totally hot!
Fez: Holy crap! I'm going to save a fortune on razors!
Jackie: Why, you're not a beast at all. You're a handsome prince. The list was right. You are the one for me.
Fez: Then come and get the royal treatment, baby.
[Jackie wakes up to Fez in her bed:]
Fez: Jackie? Jackie! Are you okay? You were moaning in your sleep, and while I find it enjoyable, I thought I should wake you up.
Jackie: I'm fine. No, I'm fine, it's just, um...
Hilary: [o.s.] Fez? Get back in here, you beast.
Fez: Oh, coming, my Beauty. [growls]

[fantasy:]
Hilary: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Fez: Great, great. I scared an entire village and I tore down all the trees in the forest. What's for dinner?
Hilary: I made you a special dish.
Fez: Macaroni and children?
[Bob is sitting in the giant pot]
Fez: Italian, my favorite.
Bob: I do smell good. Hey, save me a piece of me.