Fez: Jackie, what is it about me that makes every woman leave? I'm going to die alone with nothing but a room full of candy and pornography to keep me company. Although, as I say that, it sounds okay.

Hyde: Oh, hey, Red. I'm glad you're here, man. Things are just falling apart down here. It's freezing in my room and the TV is broken and this thing just popped right out of the washing machine.
Red: Jeez, I'm gone for one day and the whole house goes to hell.
Hyde: Yeah. It's a good thing you're here, though, so you can fix everything.
Red: You know what? I'll get to this stuff later.
Hyde: Later?
Red: Yeah, I was thinking about what you said this afternoon at the record store. You're right. I do deserve to slow down and enjoy my retirement. So, right now, I'm going fishing.
Hyde: Yeah, but it's, like, 10 degrees in my room! Can I at least call a repairman?
Red: Sure. But you're paying for it. I'm on a fixed income. I'm retired.

Red: Good morning.
Kitty: Hi, Red. You're up early. You're retired. You should be sleeping in.
Red: Yeah, well, I was awoken by the pleasant sound of birds chirping outside my window. And now that I don't have to work, I finally have time to poison them.
Kitty: I feed those birds bread every day.
Red: Good. That'll make it easier.
Hyde: Red, I don't think you have embraced retirement yet. What you need to do is get yourself a robe, go sit out on the porch, then shake your fists and yell stuff like, "Dagnabit! Why I ought to..."
Red: I have to say, I looked forward to retirement as much as I looked forward to playing catch with my son. And both of them have left me bitterly disappointed.

Kitty: Well, you know, we could take a trip. When Amy O'Brian's husband retired, they went to see the nutcracker museum in Rhode Island. We don't have to go anywhere that fancy, but there is that cave in West Virginia I've been wanting to see.
Hyde: That's a good idea, Red. You and Kitty you should travel. You know, see the world.
Red: I saw the world when I was in the Navy. It shot at me.
Kitty: I don't know. West Virginia is supposed to be pretty nice. It is the Ohio of the Atlantic states.

Hyde: Well, if you need something to do, you can always come down to help me at the record store. There's a light switch that keeps shocking people. Although on the upside, the jolts seem to be making Leo remember stuff.
Red: Yeah, sure, I'll help you out. It'll be good to get out of the house. If I have to listen to Phil Donahue tell one more housewife that it isn't her fault that her life is messed up, I'm going to drive to Chicago and hit him in the head with a hammer.

Fez: Hey, luscious ladies.
Jackie: Hey, Fez.
Donna: Hey, Fez. What's up?
Jackie: Well, I made up a new way to play Candyland where I will eat the appropriate candy for each square I land on. So, Jackie, get ready to come home to a candy-covered, pantsless roommate.
Donna: Wait. Why do you have to take your pants off to play?
Fez: You don't know me at all! [exits]
Donna: There he goes, Jackie. Your candy-covered, pantsless Prince Charming.

Jackie: Sorry. I'm just saying I can't believe I'm in a therapist's office. I mean, there is no way I'll be able to talk for a whole hour.

Jackie: Hey, Fez. What's going on?
Fez: Hilary broke up with me.
Jackie: Oh, my God.
Fez: Yeah, I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's all right. I got to go find Hyde.

Kitty: I am pretty. I am special. My casserole is not too oniony.
Hyde: Hey.
Kitty: Oh, Steven. I need to talk to you. How could you kick Red out of your store? I wasn't expecting him home so early and he walked in on me taking a bath without any bubbles. There goes the mystery!
Hyde: I'm sorry, Mrs. Forman, he was in the way.
Kitty: In the way? When your parents left you and we took you in, did we say you were in the way? No! We fed you and loved you and we let you into our Sears family portrait.
Hyde: Look, I asked him to fix one little switch. The next thing I know, he is pounding and swearing and sweating. It's like watching Fez eat a cake.
Kitty: Well, you need to find a way to make Red feel useful. And you know what else you need to find? A beige cardigan, because that's what we're wearing in this year's picture. And I don't want to hear about how it's not cool. I just want you to put the damn thing on, smile and say freaking cheese.

Randy: Hyde, I don't get it. We're going to destroy Mr. Forman's house and that's supposed to make him feel better?
Hyde: Yeah. Then he can fix everything and feel really useful. Red will be happier than the time he chased off those deadheads camping in the park.
Leo: Well, you can't camp there, man. Some bald guy chases you off.