Red: Today was a total disaster. I didn't sell one muffler and I drove a dozen customers into the hands of my competition. If I were a younger, more flexible man, I'd shove my foot up my own ass.

Donna: Jackie, have you realized who fits every single thing on your list?
Jackie: Yeah, Elton John! And I think he's single, 'cause you never see him out with a girl.

Bob: Red, I just heard some bad news, I ran over to tell you.
Red: Bob, you live next door, why are you panting?
Bob: I was going against the wind.

Kitty: Muffler Master isn't going to drive you out of town.
Red: They're a big chain. They're always throwing their weight around, crushing anything smaller than themselves. They're like Bob at a Cub Scout pancake breakfast.
Kitty: Well, they are just a faceless corporation. You have something they don't. A friendly smiling face behind the counter.
Bob: When did you hire a new guy?

Kitty: Oh, Red, I am sorry business is so slow. I blame myself. I used margarine instead of butter in the muffins. I ruined us to save 8 cents!

Kitty: Okay, well, this should cheer the two of you up. My secret seven-layer casserole. The secret is layers three and six are bourbon. [laughs]

Jackie: Okay, I need a boyfriend. But I don't want to end up with someone as stupid as Michael or someone as wrong for me as Steven. I know. I'm gonna write up a list. Write down everything I want in a man and then find the guy who matches up!
Fez: I did that once. But with candy.
Jackie: Okay. What do I want in a guy? Ah, Olympic gold medalist, someone who doesn't talk to the help. Ooh, doesn't look like Eric.
Donna: Jackie, if you're serious about this list, maybe you should pick qualities that are a little more realistic?
Jackie: Ah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. No fatties, no baldies.

Bob: Red, I told you, you should listen to me.
Red: I'm not renting a promotional monkey.
Bob: No. No, Red, you should've turned this place into an adult bookstore. Those places are packed 24 hours a day. Sometimes you can't even get to the good stuff.

Jackie: Okay, okay, stop everything! I've finished my "perfect man" list!
Donna: And all the pieces of my life are falling into place.
Jackie: Oh, would you just shush and listen? Okay, first, he has to be a gentleman.
Hilary: Just like my Fezzie. He's always opening doors for me.
Fez: Well, that way, I can walk in behind her and the view is better.
Jackie: Okay, my ideal guy has a great sense of humor.
Hilary: Oh, that's like Fez, too! Just this morning, he told me the funniest knock-knock joke.
Fez: I'd tell it, but I don't want to get us off-track with 10 minutes of uproarious laughter.
Jackie: Okay, and third, he has to be interested in women's shoes.
Hilary: Oh, Fez, that's like last night when you put on my heels...
Fez: Anywho...

Red: I can't go back out on the job market. It's a young man's game. Plus I hate everybody.
Kitty: Well, maybe you should think about retiring. You're always saying how you'd love more time to drive around town and yell at men who wear sandals.
Red: I can't afford to retire. That's it. I'm not waiting for those bastards to put me out of business. I'm going down to the Muffler Masters offices and give them a piece of my mind.
Kitty: What if they tell you to go take a flying leap?
Red: Well, then, I'll throw a garbage can through their window.