Hyde: I can't believe we're going to visit Kelso at the Police Academy this weekend. We're going to miss the best part, when he makes the whole thing worse.
Eric: How could I make this worse?
Hyde: I don't know. Man, it seems impossible, but you always find a way. You're like The Little Engine Who Could of screwing yourself.

Donna: [knocks] [enters] Hey.
Eric: Oh, hey. Hey, why did you knock?
Donna: You know why I knocked. Eric, you've been avoiding me all day. Let's just talk about this.
Eric: I... There's nothing to talk about. You obviously thought you saw something that you didn't see. I was checking for ticks.
Donna: Eric!

[circle:]
Fez: This afternoon, a cadet named Terry hit on me, and it makes me nervous when men with guns like me.
Hyde: Fez, Cadet Terry is a woman. I know because I saw her putting cover-up on her chin hair.
Fez: Well, then, hello there, Cadet Terry.
Kelso: I will sit here, but I will not partake. What you're doing is illegal, and it could cause my mind to drift off its main goal, which is enforcing the law. Now, I'd like you both to read some literature. In particular, let's take a look at "Be Great and Go Straight." I think that one really says it all. [pamphlets are thrown at Kelso] Hey, do not throw the literature!
Hyde: Kelso, the fact that you're now totally lame would make me furious if I had the ability to feel anger right now, which I thankfully don't.
Kelso: I am not lame. I am grown-up. And when you grow up, you play by the rules, which is why I am getting rid of this. [picks up brown bag]
Fez: What is he doing?
Hyde: What is he doing? Don't worry, Fez. He's just screwing around. [toilet flushes] What? Baggie!
Fez: Good lord, he has broken you. You broke Hyde, you son of a bitch!

Jackie: So, that is all for the pictures of my mom in Cancun when she abandoned me. Now let's move on to my mom in Acapulco, when she abandoned me.
Donna: God, I cannot believe how good your mom looks in a bikini. I mean, she's approaching, like, "me" territory.
Eric: Isn't the bikini a marvelous invention? Imagine the first Aztec who said, "I just gotta see some more belly button," you know? Yeah, the Mexicans are such a resourceful people.
Jackie: Eric, don't be so stupid. Everyone knows the French invented the bikini. The Mexicans just added on the top 'cause they're Catholic.
Eric: Another good example of religion dividing instead of uniting. Does anyone want a soda?
Donna: Yeah.
Jackie: Please.
Eric: And FYI, if God wanted Mexican women to wear tops, he wouldn't have created tequila.

Hyde: Ooh, man, look at these jokers. I can't believe this is who Kelso hangs out with now. If he doesn't dunk one of these heads in a toilet bowl, I'm buying him a skirt.
Kelso: [enters] Fellows. It's good to see you boys.
Hyde: What the hell is that?
Kelso: Oh, the 'stache. Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?
Hyde: That's why they call the fuzz, "the fuzz". They're covered in fuzz.
Fez: Like someone threw paint on the Mona Lisa. Oh, please, Michael Kelso's a masterpiece. You know it, I know it.
Kelso: Yeah, about that. I'm going by "Mike" now. It's my cop name.
Fez: But we call you Kelso.
Kelso: Yeah, well, I'm going to have to ask you to call me Mike! As far as the 'stache goes, I like it. Makes me look like an authority figure.
Hyde: Makes you look like a porn star.
Kelso: Either way.

Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends, Hyde and Fez.
Officer Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together and we're troublemakers.
Officer Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't Interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Officer Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you. On all of you. [walks away]
Kelso: He's a good man.

Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm going to drink until that mustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
Kelso: Sorry, no can do. I got KP in the a.m. and PT in the p.m.
Fez: Well, I don't know what any of that means, but I came here to drink beer and play with guns, damn it.
Kelso: Sorry, buddy, but we got lights out at 22 hundskies, so I'm going to have to ask you to move along to the barracks ASAP.
Fez: Did you just call me a sap?
Kelso: No, ASAP. As soon as possible.
Fez: Well, you're a sap right now!

Eric: Fine, okay, fine. I got caught. I'm embarrassed. Let's put this behind us. I love you.
Donna: Okay, great. It's behind us. Absolutely.
Eric: I said, "I love you."
Donna: Mmm-hmm.
Eric: Don't you love me, too?
Donna: Sure, you know. Whatever.
Eric: Can I have a hug?
Donna: Fine. [hugs Eric] It's just, what got you going at my house? I mean, we were just sitting around, looking at pictures... of Jackie's mom! Jackie's mom got you going?
Eric: No! What? No! Well...
Donna: Oh, my God. You're an animal!

Hyde: I can't wait for these guys to see Kelso. I think I might be giddy.
Fez: I know, I feel like it's Christmas morning. Except, instead of toys, we get to humiliate a close friend.
[When Kelso enters, he has a Hitler-style mustache]
Kelso: Hey, Pete. Hey, Doug. [raises arm] Hey, boys.
Hyde & Fez: [raise arms] Hi, Mike!
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike, I suppose you think this is funny?
Kelso: What?
Officer Kennedy: You have made a mockery of the uniform, and I want an explanation right now. [Kelso goes to speak] Shut up! Dismissed!
Kelso: What did you guys do to me? Did you shave my head? Is there something on my back? You know what? You guys are totally stuck in high school, and I'm trying to do something better and you guys resent it, so you're trying to ruin it for me. Well, you know what? This stuff isn't even funny anymore. [Fez holds up a hand mirror] Oh, that's a good burn!

Jackie: So that's when I was, like, "No, I don't want highlights." People pay money to get their hair my color, not the other way around.
Red: Why are we feeding you again?
Jackie: 'Cause I'm good company.