Kelso Quote #664
Quote from Kelso in Happy Jack
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Fez: This afternoon, a cadet named Terry hit on me, and it makes me nervous when men with guns like me.
Hyde: Fez, Cadet Terry is a woman. I know because I saw her putting cover-up on her chin hair.
Fez: Well, then, hello there, Cadet Terry.
Kelso: I will sit here, but I will not partake. What you're doing is illegal, and it could cause my mind to drift off its main goal, which is enforcing the law. Now, I'd like you both to read some literature. In particular, let's take a look at "Be Great and Go Straight." I think that one really says it all. [pamphlets are thrown at Kelso] Hey, do not throw the literature!
Hyde: Kelso, the fact that you're now totally lame would make me furious if I had the ability to feel anger right now, which I thankfully don't.
Kelso: I am not lame. I am grown-up. And when you grow up, you play by the rules, which is why I am getting rid of this. [picks up brown bag]
Fez: What is he doing?
Hyde: What is he doing? Don't worry, Fez. He's just screwing around. [toilet flushes] What? Baggie!
Fez: Good lord, he has broken you. You broke Hyde, you son of a bitch!
Features in the collection: Fez: You Son of a Bitch.
That '70s Show Quotes
‘Fez: You Son of a Bitch’
Fez: So you're telling me that if I showed up at someone's house and say, "Trick or treat," they'll give me a free piece of candy?
All: Yes!
Fez: Oh, I don't believe you.
[cut to:]
Fez: Trick or treat. An apple? Where's my candy, you son of a bitch?
Quote from Fez in Dine and Dash
Fez: Uh, yes, excuse me. Um, would you please send your finest imported beer to Caroline and tell her that when I said "Hi" what I meant was, "I'll take you like a stallion." You got that? Like a stallion?
Jackie: Fez, stop ordering stuff.
Fez: Okay, you need to chill out, little girl. Didn't you hear Kelso? The Vineyard is having a dine-and-dash promotion. Everything is free.
Jackie: It's not free, Fez. "Dine and dash" is when you run out without paying.
Fez: So it's stealing? This isn't going to help me with Caroline, is it? Excuse me.
[After Fez whispers to Donna, she whispers to Eric, who gives Kelso a "wet willy"]
Kelso: Hey!
Fez: That's from me, you son of a bitch.
‘Happy Jack’ Quotes
Quote from Donna
Donna: No, this has been really hard. And this celibacy thing was my idea, so... I need to accept some responsibility for the odd and disgusting things you do.
Eric: That's right, you do.
Donna: But, you know, next time, be like a normal person. Go to your room, lock the door, light some candles, put on some Al Green and make an evening of it.
Eric: Wow, Donna, that was really detailed. [chuckles] It's almost like... Oh, my God! You do it, too!
Donna: What?
Eric: No, no! I'd noticed the candles getting lower, even though I'd never seen them lit!
Donna: All right, this conversation is over! [exits]
Eric: Wow. So, this is where it all happens. [takes candle]
Quote from Fez
Eric: You know what? This is Donna's fault with her, you know, "No more sex till we're married" crap. You guys have no idea how hard it's been to have no sex at all.
Fez: Yeah, it must be horrible.
Eric: Seriously, you guys, what do I do now?
Hyde: I say you've got to pull a Nixon. Deny, deny, deny.
Fez: No, you just need a good story. Whenever I get caught, I just tell people that I'm checking for ticks.
Hyde: Fez, how many times have you been caught?
Fez: Oh, come on, I'm not stopping just because a doorknob turns.
Quote from Jackie
Donna: Okay, the thing is, I knew Eric did that, but knowing and seeing are two very different things. It's kind of like how I know there are rats under the house.
Jackie: But you don't want to see the rats diddling themselves in your bathroom.
Donna: Exactly!
Jackie: But, Donna, you're missing the whole point here. Eric's perverted behavior can be a card you could play for the rest of your life. Let's just say you want Eric to buy you a diamond, but he says, "No." You just say, "Why, are you busy?" Five minutes later, you're Elizabeth Taylor.
Donna: Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman in a relationship not built on blackmail.
Jackie: It's called a lesbian, Donna, and you're going to have to go to New York for that.