Fez: [shouts] Hello, ladies!
Hyde: No, man, that's not how you do it. You gotta be aloof.
Fez: Did you just call me a "loof"? Because if so, I'll have to kick you in your 'nads.
Hyde: No, man. Aloof. Distant. Zen.
Fez: Well, that's not what loof means in my language.
Hyde: Look, I don't care what you think it means, that's what it means here.
Fez: You're the loof.
Hyde: Fez, it's not-
Fez: I said loof!

Fez: Ah, women. Am I right, guys? Ah, who am I kidding? There's no woman for Fez. What must Fez do to get a woman?
Hyde: Well, for one thing, he's gotta cut out that third-person crap. It's weird. You are Fez. You know something else? Shoes say a lot about a man. In your case, your chukka boots are screaming "virgin."
Fez: Damn you, boots. What else have you told them?

Fez: How am I supposed to afford new boots? My Bible-thumping host parents won't give me an allowance because I am a pagan.
Hyde: You know, Leo's looking for help down at the Fotohut.
Fez: The Fotohut, huh? I can really "picture" myself there. That job and I will really "click." Oh, I am on a "roll"... of film. [Hyde punches Fez's arm] Ow. Don't be so "negative." [chuckles] I am the king.

Thomas: Oh, the football team loves me. I'm their new placekicker.
Fez: What? Oh, the room is spinning! How did you do all this?
Thomas: I have delightful accent.
Fez: So do I.
Thomas: Yes, but a nerd with an accent is still a nerd. Now, good day, sir.
Fez: [scoffs] I say "good day." Now, good day.
Thomas: Good day.
Fez: Good day.
Both: I said good day! [Thomas walks away]
Fez: He stole that from me.
Eric: But, Fez-
Fez: I said from me!

Fez: Guys? I love this place. I want to work here.
Hyde: You just said you hated it.
Fez: Yeah, but I went up to the counter, and the guy treated me like crap. But he was treating everybody like crap. Poor, rich, black, white. We're all crap. And look at him. Think he was popular in high school? No way. But now he's the belle of the ball. Well, my friends, it's my turn to get a taste of those balls.

Eric: You guys, I can't believe that Mr. Burkhart might actually be going to prison.
Fez: Ah, the tragedy. My father was sent to prison and it led to a life of drugs and prostitution.
Donna: What?
Fez: Yes. Then his pimp killed him. But then the medical examiner found a tiny hair. And he solved the crime, and he sent the pimp bastard to the chair.
Eric: Fez, that was last night's episode of Quincy.
Fez: Oh, I didn't know you watched that show.

Kelso: Jackie blew right by me to get to Hyde.
Fez: Yes, I know. Because you told me 20 times. Oh, there's my boss, Nina. Queen of the D.M.V. She haunts my dreams.
Kelso: Wait. I thought Mr. Roper from Three's Company haunted your dreams.
Fez: Oh, he's there too. Bug-eyed bastard.

Fez: Well, It was incredible. Nina and I started out kissing in the living room. Then we moved into the bedroom, where we undressed. And, uh, well, then... Then we did it.
Kelso: What... Details, Fez. We need details!
Fez: Well, our faces didn't line up right, so I kept bumping my chin on her nose. And then there were some sounds.
Hyde: What kind of sounds?
Fez: Well, I will say this, it was not applause. There was no romantic music like in the movies, so I had to hum. And then Nina told me to stop humming. And, uh, then I started again without realizing it. And then she got mad. And then I think she got sad.
Jackie: Oh, well, don't worry, Fez. She probably just felt bad she was doing it with a foreigner.
Fez: And then afterwards, I went into the bathroom, and, uh... And cried a little. And then I snuck out the back door.
Donna: Poor Fez. Well, you know, at least it couldn't have been any worse.
Fez: I left my underwear in her bathroom.

Fez: Oh, working with someone you have had sex with is the worst thing ever. I don't know how Donny and Marie do it.

Red: America!
Fez: Amedica!
Red: Look, there is no damn "D" in America. Say my son's name.
Fez: [American accent] Eric.
Red: Great. Now, America.
Fez: Amedica.
Red: Just forget it. Just say, United States.
Fez: United States... of Amedica.