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‘Jackie Says Cheese’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

That '70s Show: Jackie Says Cheese

413. Jackie Says Cheese

Aired January 8, 2002

After Kitty gives Eric some condoms and sexual health pamphlets from the hospital, Red is caught trying to take one of the condoms. Jackie gets a job at a cheese store after her father cuts her off for dating Kelso. Meanwhile, Fez looks out for a new foreign exchange student at the school.

Quote from Fez

Thomas: Oh, the football team loves me. I'm their new placekicker.
Fez: What? Oh, the room is spinning! How did you do all this?
Thomas: I have delightful accent.
Fez: So do I.
Thomas: Yes, but a nerd with an accent is still a nerd. Now, good day, sir.
Fez: [scoffs] I say "good day." Now, good day.
Thomas: Good day.
Fez: Good day.
Both: I said good day! [Thomas walks away]
Fez: He stole that from me.
Eric: But, Fez-
Fez: I said from me!

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Quote from Kelso

Eric: This is freaky, man. Red hasn't said anything about the stash, which can only mean he's gone to the much-feared stage: beyond yelling. He's gone Darth Vader, man.
Kelso: Or instead of Red snagging you, maybe you snagged Red dipping into Hyde's stash. I'm just sayin', everyone's tryin' it.
[fantasy: circle:]
Hyde: I guess Kelso's right. Everyone is trying it.
Red: I'm telling you, this stuff isn't just for cakes. It's great all by itself. [squirts cream into mouth] Mmm! Wait, wait. Watch this. [squirts cream onto head] Look at me. I'm Whipped-cream Head! Fear me! All fear Whipped-cream Head! [sinister laugh] Mmm!
[reality:]
Eric: Kelso, that was delightful. But the only part you left out is where Red kills me!

Quote from Red

[As they eat breakfast at the kitchen table, Eric and Red both stick their fork in the last waffle]
Eric: Hey. L'Eggo my Eggo.
Red: Hey. L'Eggo my foot in your ass.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: My dad thinks you're a bad influence on me, so I kept our love a secret. And now, I have to decide between you and money.
Eric: Gosh. It's like Sophie's Choice for morons.
Donna: Hey, let's take a poll. Who thinks Sophie should keep Kelso? [no hands go up] The money? [Eric, Donna and Hyde raise their hands] Ooh!
Jackie: You guys, this isn't a joke.
Hyde: But it's funny like a joke.
Jackie: How do I choose between something that makes my whole life complete and you?
Kelso: Well, I don't know, baby, but I love you.
Jackie: Oh, Michael, I love you too. Okay, I choose love. I choose love.
Kelso: Aw.
Jackie: Yeah, aw! Okay. Now get a job, because I need a ton of money.

Quote from Fez

Fez: Look at that foreign bastard... cracking up the whores.
Hyde: Checking the score. Old foreign guy: nada. New foreign guy: dos.
Fez: Hey, if I pretend to say something funny, will you laugh?
Hyde: No.
Fez: That Thomas is shady. But have you noticed he never says what country he's from?
Hyde: What country are you from?
Fez: What country are you from?
Hyde: America.
Fez: Fine. Mystery solved.

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: I know in orientation we talked about theft in the workplace, so I would like to report a theft from my check. Now, I don't know who FICA is but that bitch stole, like, 10% of my money. Also, now, I don't know if you have this key in your typewriter, but when I write "Jackie," I like to dot my "I" with a smiley face. Also, now, I put this in the suggestion box, but- You have something hanging from your nose. Oh, and I want Saturday off. Thank you. Bye.

Quote from Kitty

Kitty: Oh. Good morning. Oh, here, honey. I brought you something back from the hospital. A lollipop.
Eric: Mom, I'm 17 years old.
Kitty: Which is why I also brought you condoms. [Red and Eric groan] Well, see, we had a teenage mom come in, and it's just... Well, you know, I worry about you.
Eric: That I'll get pregnant? You're not a good nurse.
Kitty: Now, don't be a porky mouth. Oh. Here. Sexual health pamphlets. [Red and Eric groan] I just want you to know that intercourse is a responsibility, not just a right.
Eric: Okay, well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.
Kitty: Oh, uh, don't forget your condoms.
Eric: I was wrong!

Quote from Kitty

Red: Eric caught me stealing his... things.
Kitty: [laughs]
Red: That's not funny. I'm a grown man. I don't go rummaging around in teenage boys' drawers looking for... things.
Kitty: Condoms.
Red: That word is forbidden!
Kitty: Okay. Good night. [in Red's ear] Condoms.
Red: Quit it!

Quote from Jackie

Jackie: Try the Swiss. You can't miss. Try the cheddar. It's even better.
Hyde: The floor's real shiny, and I see your heinie.
Jackie: Oh!
Hyde: Hey, the cheese maiden hit me. Cheese guards, seize her.
Jackie: My God, this job is awful!
Donna: Are you sweating? I mean, is work making you sweat?
Jackie: No. I'm glistening! It's glisten!

Quote from Red

Kitty: Okay, okay. We are just gonna clear the air. Right now. Now, Eric, the other night your father and I were getting intimate... [Red and Eric groan] And we realized we didn't have any protection.
Red: For hugging. We just... We hug.
Kitty: So your dad went to your room looking for one of those condoms I gave you and you caught him, and he has just been so embarrassed ever since.
Eric: Condoms? Oh! Condoms.
Red: Yeah, condoms. What did you think it was?
Eric: ... What did you think it was?
Red & Kitty: What did you do?
Eric: What did you do? I-I didn't do anything. Okay? You stole condoms! Get him, Mom.
Red: You're grounded.
Kitty: For a week.
Red: Hyde too. Whatever was in that drawer that you didn't want me to see, I'm sure it was his.
Eric: Fine. No complaints here. Thank you. [exits]
Kitty: You suppose there was actually something in that drawer he didn't want us to see?
Red: Who cares?

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