‘A Legal Matter’
Season 6, Episode 10 - Aired February 4, 2004
Eric and Hyde help Kelso break into the Police Academy when he fears he is "the stooge" of his yeargroup. Meanwhile, Red helps Fez study American history for his green card exam. [Guest star: James Avery]
Quote from Fez
Red: Okay, I think that we've been reviewing long enough. Let's see what you've learnt. I'll start you off with an easy one. Where do you live?
Fez: Amedica.
Red: It's pronounced America.
Fez: That's what I said, Amedica.
Red: America.
Fez: Amedica.
Quote from Red
Fez: Okay, what if they ask me about current events? Tell me about Vietnam.
Donna: Okay, so Vietnam was an illegal war, which we lost.
Red: What the hell are you teaching him? You come with me. I'll teach you the real American history. First of all, we didn't lose the war. It was a tie. Besides, they're grateful. They have McDonald's now.
Quote from Red
Red: What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
Fez: He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jackbooted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red: I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards", and that's good enough for me.
Quote from Fez
Red: America!
Fez: Amedica!
Red: Look, there is no damn "D" in America. Say my son's name.
Fez: [American accent] Eric.
Red: Great. Now, America.
Fez: Amedica.
Red: Just forget it. Just say, United States.
Fez: United States... of Amedica.
Quote from Red
Fez: Okay, the INS called. I have to go in for a final review before I can pick up my green card.
Red: I bet they give you a test on US history. See, America is strict about who we let in here, 'cause we have stuff that people wanna steal. Unlike your lesser countries like Canada and France.
Quote from Fez
Red: Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July?
Fez: Because we are damn glad not to be a bunch of British, tea-drinking nancy pants.
Red: Nobody's gonna argue with that answer.
Quote from Kitty
Kitty: Now, the secret to really good fudge is a tiny bit of Kahlua.
Jackie: You must make a lot of fudge, 'cause the bottle's almost empty.
Kitty: No. Well, it's a tiny bit of Kahlua for the fudge, a tiny bit for the chef. [laughs] That's how you make cooking fun.
Red: Apparently, it also works for sewing and laundry and sitting around watching TV.
Quote from Fez
Kitty: So, what happened?
Fez: Well, you know how sometimes I come on a little strong to the ladies?
Kitty: You can be a little handsy.
Fez: It was touch and go for a while, but, eventually, I won the INS lady over with my charm.
Donna: More like you cried until she felt bad and stamped your papers.
Fez: Hey, tomato, potato, it's all the same thing. Bottom line is, I have chadisma.
Red: Charisma.
Fez: Yes, chadisma.
Quote from Kitty
Donna: Okay, so... The constitution was ratified...
Kitty: Oh, I know this. [claps] 1776.
Donna: Oh, you're thinking of the Declaration of Independence. See, the constitution was...
Kitty: I know what the constitution is. Can you make fudge?
Donna: What?
Kitty: Then can it.