Kitty: Okay, let's see, where to start? Well, your father and I were furious when we caught you boys in that smoky basement. The minute you left for the airport, we went down there to do what the Feds call "a sweep."
[flashback:]
Kitty: How dare you boys smoke up my house when you know how hard I work to keep it smelling lemony fresh!
Red: You morons just hung vacancy signs on your asses, and my foot's looking for a room!

[flashback:]
Red: Two bags?
Hyde: I've never seen those before in my life. Your son has a real problem!
Red: Kitty, I want you to take this garbage and flush it down the toilet.
Kitty: I am just glad that we caught you boys before this became an everyday thing.
Red: Is that all of it?
Hyde: Yes, sir, that's all of it.
Fez: Now there is nothing left for us to do but to smoke Candy Land. I mean, I mean, play Candysmoke. [Red finds a baggy in the game] I mean... Ay, no.

Kitty: And so I flushed it all down the toilet and everyone learned a lesson.
Donna: Why don't you tell Eric what else happened?
Fez: Oh, let me, let me.
Kitty: Give me that. I'll tell him.
[flashback:]
Red: Kitty. I found another one. Kitty?
[Red opens the door to a smoke-filled bathroom]
Red: What the hell? What do you have to say for yourself?
Kitty: I'm starving!

Bob: Oh, hey, Kitty. I need to borrow some butter or oil. Pretty much anything greasy.
Kitty: Are you cooking?
Bob: Nope, tanning. Hey, what's up with the tape recorder?
Kitty: Oh, I'm making a tape to send to Eric. Here, say hi!
Donna: Don't give him the microphone.
Bob: [sings] What's new, pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa What's new, pussycat... [Donna grabs the microphone]
Fez: Hey, Donna. Boo. Boo.
Donna: Dad, just say something normal.
Bob: Normal doesn't put asses in the seats, Donna.
Donna: For the last time, there are no seats anywhere around you!

Kelso: You know, being up here makes me think of our poor friend Billy.
Fez: His name was Charlie, you cantaloupe.
Donna: Kelso, you've fallen off this thing, like, 10 times. It's so scary to think you could have, you know, like, met the same fate as Charlie.
Kelso: Yeah. It's like we go through our life, like, thinking we're invincible, right, but the truth is, we're totally vincible.
[When Kelso leans on a railing and it gives way, he falls off the water tower]
Kelso: [o.s.] Screw that! I'm invincible!

Donna: I still can't believe Red caught you in the bathroom with the guys' stash. Someone is getting a tie-dyed apron for their birthday.
Kitty: No, I just... I wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. I mean, I was skeptical about Tupperware, and that was life-changing! [records] Anyway, Eric, I suffered the consequences, your father gave me a very stern talking-to.
[flashback:]
Red: Kitty, when we got married, we took a vow to be together through sickness and in health. But nobody said anything about what to do if your wife turns into a dope fiend.
[As Kitty looks at Red and Hyde, the background behind them sways]
Red: You're a nurse, for God's sake! You know this stuff is bad news!
Hyde: Bad news isn't the half of it. Here are the facts. When the smoke hits the brain, the cells start dying. This process causes impaired judgment and hallucinations and a lot of other wonderful things.
[Kitty laughs as she sees Red distorted into a tall, stick figure and Hyde distorted into a short, squat figure]
Red: Is it Eric going away? Is that why you used this stuff? Kitty, if you were feeling blue, you didn't have to turn to drugs. I would have made you a martini.
Kitty: [laughs]
Red: What's so damn funny?
Hyde: Is it the big head thing?
[present:]
Kitty: I hardly felt a thing.
Donna: You ate a whole box of uncooked spaghetti.
Kitty: I needed something crunchy.

Kitty: [records] Anyway, Eric, the day you left, Steven went to Chicago to see Jackie.
Donna: When he got there, he walked in on Jackie and Kelso, who were about to...
Fez: Get busy. Have sex. [sings] Do it!
Donna: Kelso told us the whole story when he got back the next day.
[flashback:]
Kelso: No, hardly anything happened, okay. Jackie asked me to stay 'cause she was lonely and the next thing you know, I'm naked. And then Hyde shows up and kicks me out the door and so I had to drive all the way back here in this dress that I found. All the truckers were flashing their lights and honking their horns. It was pretty great.

[flashback:]
Donna: Jackie, aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?
Jackie: Well, I'm here to get Steven back. Uh, where is he?
Fez: He's not here. He took off after he caught you two about to... [sings] Do it!
Jackie: Oh, my God, this is horrible. I quit my job, I lost my boyfriend. My whole life is ruined.
Kelso: Jackie, I'm really sorry about what happened. I never meant to come between you and Hyde. Let me ask you one question. Are we back together or not?
Jackie: Oh, you are just as dumb as ever.
Kelso: Okay, you know, you can insult me all you want, but just answer the question.
Jackie: No.
Kelso: No, you won't answer the question? Why not?
Jackie: Because we're not together.
Kelso: That's the reason you won't answer the question?
Jackie: No!
Kelso: Then what's the reason?

Kitty: Oh, Red, honey, here, say something to Eric.
Red: I'd love to. [records] Son, I was out in the garage the other day, I looked down and I saw your old baseball mitt. And it made me think what I always think. What a waste of money. [exits]

Kitty: Red, can you please just do me a favor and tell Eric you miss him a little?
Red: [sighs] Oh, fine. Give me the thing. [records] Eric, this is a little hard for me 'cause I'm not real emotional, but I wanted to tell you that your G.I. Joes were killed, in the great Dumpster War of 1979.
Kitty: Well, your meatloaf was lost in the great Make Your Own Dinner War of 19... Today!