Janitor: Ted, you had one job. Keep the people I invited from actually coming to the weeding. Did you tell them about the octopi that drag them into trees and suck their faces off? [popping sound]
Ted: I did, but they didn't believe me!
Janitor: What? Okay, this isn't a problem. Did you remember to pack the giant octopus suit I made for you?
Ted: Crap!
Janitor: Teddy! You're killing me!

Elliot: You know what? Let's not fight, because Sammy, today is the 7-year anniversary of the first time your daddy and I ever kissed.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot! Distract her so you can run and get some flowers.
J.D.: Darling, do you know what Sam loves? When you sing Old McDonald.
Elliot: He does?
J.D.: [v.o.] Nobody loved Elliot's tone-deaf rendition of Old McDonald. It was so excruciating I knew exactly how long it took her to finish. I had 44 seconds.

J.D.: That was wonderful, darling. I got you a little anniversary present.
Elliot: Why would you get me a toothbrush?
J.D.: [v.o.] Damn it! I thought it was a sex toy. Okay, just cover.
J.D.: I borrowed your toothbrush this morning, when I was showering, dropped it, and I may have peed on it, a little.
Elliot: You pee in my shower?
J.D.: You know, baby, I'm making this up. I forgot to get you a present.
Elliot: So you don't pee in my shower?
J.D.: Of course not.
J.D.: [v.o.] Oh, yes I do.

J.D.: [v.o.] Other couples just weren't clicking.
Turk: Are you mad at me?
J.D.: I'm not mad, I'm hurt. You've been ignoring me so much it makes me wanna punch something. God you're firm.
Turk: I'm just bummed about Carla. Between Izzy and her being pregnant again, it's like I don't have a wife anymore. She's just a mommy.
J.D.: Is it that bad?
[flashback:]
Carla: Don't you love listening to her breathe on the baby monitor?
Turk: Sometimes. Baby. I thought you said you wanted to get it on.
Carla: We're not finished?
Turk: We haven't started.
Carla: Oh, sorry. Do your thing.
[present:]
Turk: It's pretty bad.

Janitor: Okay, let's call this meeting of the Brain Trust to order. Now, as you know, ever since our esteemed member Lloyd died snorkeling in his father's pool, we've tried to make do with the next best thing. [everyone looks to a cut-out of Lloyd] Still, I think we realized that's not really working out. Especially since Todd keeps high-fiving it and knocking it over.
Todd: Well, look at how he's posed. I can't resist!
Janitor: Yes, you can. That is why I had you over to my garage last weekend to take my seminar on willpower. And you still owe me 60 bucks.

Janitor: Now, Brain Trust by law 47a clearly states what, Ted?
Ted: "Live free or die."
Janitor: That's New Hampshire. 47a states that we must always have exactly four members. So I proudly announce the reinstatement of Doug Murphy as a permanent member of the Brain Trust.
Doug: Permanent member until you find someone you like better, right?
Janitor: Come on! You're just being insecure.
Lloyd: Dudes!
Janitor: You're alive! [to Doug] You're out. Lloyd, you're back in. We thought you were dead.
Lloyd: Faked my own death, bro! I was in debt big time to a bookie. Anyway, didn't work out. Saw me at a mall. So what's new? Can I borrow 80,000 bucks?
Janitor: Can't really swing that, Lloyd. Our credit lines overextended since we had Cheap Trick play at the Brain Trust picnic. Goodbye Lloyd. And Doug is back in, permanent!
Doug: Oh, yes.
Janitor: You know, until Lloyd gets back on his feet.

Todd: Cardboard five!
Janitor: I want you in my garage this afternoon. Bring 120 bucks. And a steak sandwich.

Turk: What the hell is this?
Carla: Oh, my God! "You are cordially invited to the wedding of Lady and the Janitor."
Elliot: The janitor is getting married before me? That's it. I may actually kill myself.
J.D.: Of course, I'm the only one who wasn't invited.
Ted: Here's yours.
J.D.: [v.o.] Okay. Do not reveal how touched you are.
J.D.: [emotionally] Turk, could you please pass me the salt for my baked potato.

Dr. Cox: This wedding is in three days. And it's in the Bahamas. Nobody's going to this thing.
Ted: Oh, I know I'm not. I heard at night, the octopuses come out onto land and drag people up into trees and rip their faces off with their powerful suction cups.

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I was moved by the janitor's invite, because I did this.
J.D.: Look, I know the janitor isn't exactly a friend to us, but he is a part of our family. A horrible, horrible part. Like an uncle who shows up at your ballet class, and whispers "Good girl" when you plié.
Carla: You have an uncle like that too?
J.D.: That's not important, Carla. Still, I think we should use this as an opportunity to go on a much needed vacation. We work very hard. And I think it's time to live a little.
Todd: You really think we should go?
J.D.: Oh, hey, Todd. I'm really just sort of talking to these two tables.
Carla: Just these.
Elliot: The two of them.
Todd: But you said we should all live a little.
J.D.: And I think you should on your own. But in this circumstance, I was really just talking at just mainly these, these two tables focusing here.
Dr. Kelso: Actually, I'm thinking about going.
J.D.: Hey, Bob, I... I didn't see you there. So I am talking to your table as well, Todd, but not your chair. Not your chair.