J.D.: I can admit when I'm wrong, so... Challenge, I will learn everyone in the hospital's real name, by the end of the day.
Janitor: You are gonna learn 310 names in one day?
J.D.: Hey, the night before my anatomy final I got drunk of peppermint shnapps, 'cause Turk told me it was a special new mouthwash you could swallow. And after I was done crying and dry-heaving and lying in a fetal position, I still managed to memorize all 216 bones in the human body.
Janitor: There's only 206 bones in the human body.
J.D.: Well, it appears I learned ten more than I needed to.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, I just want to throw this out there, it feels good to be your student again.
Dr. Cox: Take that back, or I'm going to shove every one of these Polaroids down your throat.
J.D.: [v.o.] Back to best friends it is.
Dr. Cox: You know what you should use? Mnemonic devices. Associate the person's name with something about them. I do it all of the time. Like this guy. Look at him. Now, there's no way he's ever going to make love to a woman, unless that woman is dead. And "dead" rhymes with "Ted". Ted.
Ted: That's how most people remember it.

Turk: Hey, baby. You know something? You're absolutely right. I do need to learn more about my heritgea, so I called my mom. And she said somehow, distantly, I'm related to the guy who invented peanuts.
Carla: Turk, that's George Washington Carver. He didn't invent peanuts. He just thought up uses for them.
Turk: I'm talking about the little foam packaging peanuts. How dumb do you think I am? Baby!

Janitor: And action.
J.D.: All right. He looks like a serial killer, which is a kind of cereal I'd want to stay away from, like "Oat Bran". Brandon.
Janitor: Hmm. Correct.
J.D.: Okay, Snoop Dogg Attending. I saw him without his pants on, and he has crazy skinny legs, like french fries. French fries are sold at McDonald's, whose founder is Ronald McDonald. Ronald.
Janitor: You saw him without his pant on once?
J.D.: That's popcorn magnate Orville Reddenbacher.
Janitor: Nice.

J.D.: Colonel Doctor. I call him that because he looks like a freaky Kentucky Fried Chicken guy. KFC makes Cole Slaw. Coleman Slawski. Incidentally, my favorite name ever.
Janitor: That's correct. But you also lost the bet.
J.D.: What are you talking about? I won.
Janitor: No.
[The Janitor changes the slide to reveal a picture of himself]
J.D.: Aah. That's not fair, nobody knows your name.
Janitor: Ha ha! You know what that means?
J.D.: Fine, you win.

J.D.: It's like this ammonia is seeping into my brain, and making me violent, and angry, and hateful.
Janitor: Yep. That's how it starts.
J.D.: [to intern] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice.
J.D.: Felt good.

Carla: I can't believe we're doing this in a patient's room.
Turk: It's about to get hotter. [ties Carla's arm to the bed]
Carla: Turk, you are full of surprises.
J.D.: Isn't he though?
Carla: What are you doing here?
Turk: He's here to kill you.
Carla: Kill me? Elliott won't let you get away with it.
Elliot: Sure I will. Turk's letting me raise Izzy. I'll finally have a baby!
J.D.: And I can spend the rest of my life with Turk, touring the world's greatest water parks. Elliott, ready.
[Elliot sets the defibrillator to "Kill Carla" mode]
J.D.: Clear!
Carla: [screams]
[Carla wakes up in bed]

Carla: Look, what was weird about this dream, was that it was in English. I always dream in Spanish!
Turk: Baby, dreams have nothing to do with reality.
Elliot: [holding Izzy] Hey, you want to come live with Aunt Elliott. What? You guys know Izzy hates it down in daycare. Ain't that right?

Jordan: You know how you and I don't talk so much? If you're wondering whether or not that makes me happy or sad, it makes me happy.
Janitor: You love being edgy, don't ya?
Jordan: I do. [spills drink] Ooh, missed a spot. Sad for you.
Janitor: [drinks spill] Ah, first spill of the day.

Janitor: Hey, Teddy. Looking bald and sweaty!
Ted: Putting my smile away and on with the day.