Elliot: So this is where we all hang out. It's neat, huh?
Dr. Simon Reid: It's a hellhole.
Elliot: Dad, why are you so set on me being an OB/GYN?
Dr. Simon Reid: Look, honey, your highest income potential as a female physician is in obstetrics.
Elliot: But don't you think that maybe it's time that you left those sort of things up to me?
Dr. Simon Reid: Well, since I paid for your college, your medical school, your car, and now your apartment and your living expenses, I'd have to say "no." Good God. Someone vomited on my hotdog.
Elliot: It's chilli, Dad, OK? And you know what? Even though I really appreciate everything you've given me, it's my life. Now stop complaining and enjoy your damn meal. [eats] Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

Julie: So, is your ex-wife like, "all women are crazy" crazy, or more like "that assistant who tasered David Spade" crazy?
Dr. Cox: You've got to try and understand, she's going through a rough time right now, and I'm the one she's used to leaning on, which in her current condition is actually causing me more physical pain than it is emotional. But, still, it sure was silly of her to try to make me choose between the two of you.
Julie: I guess it was a pretty easy decision, huh?
[Dr. Cox turns back towards the couch with the two drinks he's poured:]
Dr. Cox: Well, when I really had a chance to think about it, it turns out it was the easiest decision I ever made. I was always going to wind up with you.
Jordan: So the whole vulnerable crying thing worked, huh?
Dr. Cox: I never had a chance.
Jordan: You do realize I'm pregnant, don't you?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, they're both for me.
Jordan: Cheers.

J.D.: [v.o.] As a doctor, you spend about a third of your nights sleeping at the hospital, but truth be told, not a lot of sleeping takes place.
Nurse Roberts: Dr. Reid.
Elliot: I'm not sucking my thumb.
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Rodriguez is coding. You look pretty.
Elliot: Oh, thank you.

Janitor: Hold up.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: There's been several thefts. We're doing bag checks.
J.D.: What about that guy taking scrubs?
Janitor: Hey, Tom. He doesn't have a bag.
J.D.: Go ahead, narc. I'm clean.
Janitor: Yeah? Ah-ha!
J.D.: [v.o.] Of course, if he was checking my trunk...
J.D.: Pudding. Score!

Dr. Cox: And, Laverne, what is that delightfully naught-ay scent you're wearing?
Nurse Roberts: It's called Twelve-Hour Shift.
Dr. Cox: Ow. Yeah, it is.

Carla: Ugh! My mother lives with me all year. My Aunt Marie has to take care of her for one week and she won't stop bitching.
Elliot: So, my dad's coming in to town for a conference tomorrow.
Carla: You don't seem stressed out.
Elliot: I haven't pooed in six days.
J.D.: Twice this morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet.
Elliot: You really pick odd things to brag about.
J.D.: I'm just saying, if I had to get three by lunch, I probably could.

Dr. Cox: God, I just hate that every doctor you ever gave a drug sample to sniffs around you like a pathetic little puppy dog.
Julie: I never gave those guys anything. I slept with them.
Dr. Cox: Oh, great.

Jordan: Oh, no. He called you his girlfriend. If I were you, I'd gather your tiny panties up, because I think you're done.
Julie: I'm already bored by you. Perry, I will be in the bedroom. Come join me when Tubby leaves.

Jordan: Anyway, when I first found out, I panicked. Then I thought, I've kind of been drifting through life all these years. I need to look into my heart and see what really matters to me. Anyway, I decided to keep the stupid kid.
Dr. Cox: You should cut out the middle man and just have a therapist deliver him. Honestly, Jordan, why are you telling me this?
Jordan: Oh, because I've also decided that I want you back.

Janitor: Hey, idiot. Ha. I said "idiot" and you looked. Hey, help me carry this computer to my van.
J.D.: You can't just take a computer.
Janitor: Help me or we go check out the trunk of your car.
J.D.: Stay low.