Elliot: [on the phone] Hi, Gary, it's Elliot Reid. I know that we haven't spoken since you broke up with me in the 11th grade but I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting married. Oh, also I was sorry to hear that you lost your legs.

Janitor: Listen here, young doctor Gilchrist.
Keith: Uh, that's not my name.
Janitor: Gilchrist, please. She's not upset with you because you asked her to help. She's upset because you insinuated her job was less important.
Carla: He's actually right.
Janitor: And you, Nurse Ipanema. Realize this is a young doctor under stress. Ted, come along. We've much work to do.
Carla: Wait. Ted, Ted, Ted? What are you doing?
Ted: I'm a follower.

Dr. Cox: I got to be honest with you, I can't make heads or tales out of these things. When is this hospital gonna get its own SPECT camera?
Janitor: That is a very good point and I am on it. Ted, add that to the list. I will check to see if the quarterly fiscals can accommodate the financial comps. I hope so.
Dr. Cox: Ted, you do realize that was all gibberish. He's... He's just pretending. He can't make any real changes in this place.
Ted: Tell that to the new daycare program.
Jack: Hi, Dad.
Dr. Cox: Jack? What are you doing?

Elliot: You know, if you are still having problems with that picture, all you gotta do is agree to go to my wedding, and you can use our camera.
Dr. Cox: Blondie, as attached as I have indeed become to my patient, his death due to my inability to see a clear picture of his heart would still be a preferable alternative to actually having to hear you utter your self-written vows, "My dearest Keith, my heart was like a vault but you picked the lock like an apple thief who picks the first Golden Delicious of the fall harvest".
Elliot: Okay, first of all stop reading my wedding binder. It's private. And I cannot believe that you wouldn't wanna come see me start my life with my soulmate.
Dr. Cox: Soulmate? Try last resort. Let's just be honest for two seconds here. You basically lived in this dump for the last six years and there weren't that many guys to choose from once you eliminate the women and the gays, the too old, the too poor, the ones who just barely beat the wrap for murdering their first wife, and of course, Ted.
Ted: No!
Dr. Cox: Well then, what's left?

J.D.: Why would you tell me you miscarried our child when you clearly didn't?
Kim: That's probably a question I should answer more face-to-face after the lecture. Are there any other questions? Yes, you sir.
Turk: Yeah, uh, I think you should answer his question.
J.D.: [v.o.] How did he get over there so fast?
J.D.: You're a good friend!
Turk: I've got your back.

Kim: Anyone else have a question? Yes, you i-in the back.
Old MC: Bust-a-move!
Kim: Really more of a statement than a question, but thank you.

Janitor: And that is how I got my name.
Barista: You don't look Asian.
Ted: Hey, why aren't you being the Chief of Medicine?
Janitor: I'm just taking a break, Ted, I don't want it to get stale.
Ted: The hospital needs you! I need you! Doesn't that mean anything?
[The Janitor quickly changes out of his janitorial uniform and into a lab coat]
Janitor: Damn right it does. Now, let's go find a cure for polio.

Carla: There's no need to freak out, Elliot. All women go through the same stages once they are engaged. First there's the: "Yeah, I'm engaged" stage. Remember yesterday?
Elliot: I know. It was so great.
Jordan: Then comes the: "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna have sex with the same person for the rest of my life" stage, and that's when you head to the nearest frat house, ditch your undies and then the next morning do the walk of shame to your Beamer.
Elliot: Sure.

Carla: Elliot, you'll get through this. You just have to try to not act like a crazy person. See, at times like this we tend to torture our men. To test him.
Elliot: Oh, yeah. I can't see myself doing that.
[later:]
Elliot: What's this, Keith? Huh?
Keith: Our sample invite with the letter you picked up.
Elliot: Uh, no. This is not, what I picked out. I picked out Flourished Italic, now you go back to the printer, and tell them it should look like this. [Elliot writes "Dumb Frick" in a stylized font on Keith's scrubs] I went to calligraphy camp. Now, don't you screw this up Keith. Because if this goes wrong, then the wedding goes wrong, and then I'll get depressed, and fat, and you cheat on me and I swear to God I will chop it off!
Keith: What just happened?

Turk: How you doing?
J.D.: Not too bad, considering I just had a bomb dropped on me.
Turk: No no, that was bigger than a bomb. More like an asteroid about to hit the planet. You know, people running in the streets screaming, "Oh, my God, it's coming right at us!" And then dudes turning to hot chicks and they're all like, "Look, we're about to die, so can I hit that?" and then girl's like "Hell, to the no!" but then she realizes, "Oh, my God, I'm about to die, so you know what, yeah, you can hit this, but no kissing."
J.D.: That's exactly what it's like!