Turk: [sings] On our way to Phoenix, yeah!
[As the car drives away, the camera is static:]
J.D.: Hey, you know how in the movies when a car gets farther and farther away, you can still hear people talking like they're right in front of the camera?
Turk: Yeah, that drives me crazy.
J.D.: Hey, I brought snacks for the trip. Pringle? Oh, um, turn left here to go on the freeway.
Turk: No, not yet. I gotta stop and go pee.
J.D.: Already? I told you to go before we left.

Dr. Kelso: A SPECT camera, eh? My hospital, Sacred Heart, needs one of those.
Salesman: It's funny you should say that. I was just on the phone with your chief of medicine ten minutes ago.
[meanwhile:]
Janitor: Hmm, fax this to someone. [answers phone] Chief o' medicine.
Dr. Kelso: I'm the Chief of Medicine, Bob Kelso. Who the hell is this?
Janitor: Uh, I'm you. I'm talking to you from a future phone. By the way, sell all your gasoline stocks, everything now runs on potatoes!
Dr. Kelso: I don't know who the hell this is, but when I find out I am going to put my loafer so far up your ass you're gonna have tassles hanging out of your nose. Now, tell me who you are.
Janitor: What's your name again?
Ted: Teddy Buckland.
Dr. Kelso: Ted?!

Janitor: Uh, hey, everyone! I've been looking for a new role playing game, ever since my Lord of the Rings club booted me for using an actual war hammer. So, would anybody mind, if I pretended to be the Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town? [murmurs of agreement]
Dr. Cox: Oh, Janitor you're a natural!
[The Janitor is suddenly wearing a lab coat and stethoscope]
Janitor: Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish.

Elliot: I've always wanted to be married so badly. I mean, what if I am settling with Keith?
Carla: Elliott, what you're going through is normal.
Jordan: Mmm-hmm. When I got engaged all I could think of was, "Why am I with this angry, cynical idiot?" But then I fought through it and realized he was the love of my life. Unfortunately we had a little argument, and so we broke up, but then I met Perry a month later, we have two beautiful children and the point is, sometimes settling works.

J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Elliot had accepted Keith's proposal, it was time to start planning the wedding.
Elliot: Ok, so I took a picture of the church that we're gonna be married in. Only imagine that the hearse upfront is actually a horse and a carriage, and the people in the coffins are us.
Keith: You already picked the church?
Elliot: Yeah, I've reserved it for the third week in July every year since I was nineteen. When I tell Father O'Neil that I actually need it this time, he's going to crap a communion cracker. Now, being that it's already May, we have to decide if we wanna get married in two months, or in a year and two months.

J.D.: I mean what if not being with Elliot is the biggest mistake of my life?
Turk: You made bigger mistakes.
[flashback to J.D. calling the movie ticket hotline:]
Male Voice: [on phone] For tickets to see "Basic Instinct 2", press the pound key.
[present:]
J.D.: That one still stings.
Turk: Yeah, she didn't even show her vajayjay.
J.D.: Oh, it's on the DVD extras. It's labelled "Vagina".

Turk: Alright, time to hit the convention floor. You got your name tag?
J.D.: Yes, I do.
[J.D. puts on a name tag which reads "Vanilla Bear, MD"]
Turk: Me too.
[Turk puts on a name tag which reads "Chocolate Bear, MD"]

Carla: Seriously, do you realize how much work goes into planning a wedding?
Elliot: Uh, yeah. What do you think I've been doing for the last ten years? See, it's all in here. There's the seating charts. And the photographer that I reserved every year under a different alias. Oh, and here is a photo of my wedding dress. Which I am totally going to fit into, thanks to that awesome parasite I got from eating sushi.

J.D.: Say I was too nervous to hand that girl over there, what advice would you give me?
Old MC: Bust a move! [both laugh]
Turk: Alright, alright. What if a great song comes on, but I'm too shy to get down? What should I do?
Old MC: Bust a move!
J.D.: You're awesome man! What are you drinking? We'll buy you one.
Old MC: Bust a move!

Turk: Sir, we are being professional. We, we were coming over here just now to check out this booth right here with the crapper.
Salesman: Oh, it's, it's much more than that. If a patient has a bowel movement in it, it immediately gives the diagnosis. We call it the Dr. Toilet.
[fantasy:]
J.D.: Mr. Mimov, I wanted a second opinion, so I've called in my colleague Dr. Toilet.
Dr. Toilet: I agree. The best course of action is dialysis.
J.D.: Dr. Toilet, I'm sorry about the other day, uh, I had just had my morning coffee and a bran muffin. It was kind of an emergency situation. I know you were napping, but it was an accident.
Dr. Toilet: An accident? Dr. Dorian, there are 48 other toilets in this hospital. I'm the only one that's a doctor, and yet you came into my office and you sat on me. Didn't you hear me screaming to get off?
J;Roger, in my defense those sounds were very muffled. I thought they were coming from me!
Dr. Toilet: You know what, John? Let's just drop it and move on.
[later in Dr. Toilet's office:]
Dr. Toilet: Janine, hold my calls. I'm gonna take a nap.
Janine: [on phone] Sure thing, Dr. Toilet.
[J.D. goes into Dr. Toilet's office with a newspaper]
[reality:]
J.D.: I wouldn't be able to help myself.