Dr. Kelso: So what the hell did you think leaving this place was gonna be like?
J.D.: Well, I guess I felt there would be a lot of heartfelt goodbyes. When I was finally ready to leave, it'd be like one of those great old sitcom finales.
[fantasy: the Scrubs sad theme plays as J.D. walks out of the ICU, turning the lights off as he goes. The entire hospital's power goes off. Everybody inside panics:]
Dr. Cox: We got trouble in here.
Elliot: We all gonna die.
J.D.: [lights return] Why would they wire all the power through one switch? That seems crazy!

J.D.: [v.o.] I guess sometimes my theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true. I guess sometimes you get lucky.
J.D.: What's going on?
Nurse Roberts: She's coding.
[fantasy, all singing:]
Elaine: Any minute now My ship is coming in I'll keep checking the horizon I'll stand on the bow Feel the waves come crashing
Turk: Come crashing down Down, down on me
Janitor: And you say, be still, my love
Carla: Open up your heart Let the light shine in
Dr. Kelso, Ted & Dr. Mitchell: Don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: My real life to begin
All: Oh, don't you understand? I already have a plan I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Elaine: On a clear day I can see See See See See a very long way.
[reality:]
Dr. Cox: She's gone. You'll be OK?
J.D.: Yeah.

J.D.: Rough day, huh? Well, maybe it would help to share with someone.
Carla: OK, you want in? You want me to open up?
J.D.: I think I can handle it.
Carla: Fine.
[fantasy: Carla peels back her forehead, revealing a white, glowing source of heat:]
Carla: I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I think, I don't like the way I feel about how I look and think.
[Carla's brain shoots a heat ray at J.D.'s face, which melts]
Carla: I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I am too short.
[reality:]
Carla: Plus, I woke up and cried because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants.

Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. Maybe it would be easier if I just told you whose butt I haven't had my fingers in.
Spence: Now, that's one of the perks you never hear about. You guys landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D.: [v.o.] Dream job.
[fantasy: John Dorian, Chocolate King, sits in a chocolate office eating chocolate, with his assistant Turk writing on a chocolate typewriter. "The Candy Man" plays. As J.D. tires of the chocolate egg and chocolate hearts, he pulls off Turk's arm and bites off a finger:]
Turk: Hey, man, how am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: I don't know.

Turk: The family wants me to do a hip surgery. What are they thinking? The guy's 92.
Carla: He's their grandfather. It's not like he's a dog and they can go to a kennel and pick out another one.
[fantasy: J.D. is at a "grandfather kennel":]
Woman: We just got a lot of great new grandfathers in.
J.D.: OK. Ooh! Look at this one. He's so cute!
Old Man: Hey! Get out of my yard.
Woman: He's not good with people.
[cut:]
Woman: He's great, but we really don't want to separate them.
J.D.: Well, I already have a grandma.
[cut]
J.D.: If I get one this little, everybody's gonna think I'm gay.
[cut:]
J.D.: Oh, look at this fellow. Come here, boy. Got a little hard candy for you. Come here, boy. Yes. Good boy. Who's a good boy? You got a candy you can unwrap in a movie theater.
[reality:]
J.D.: I'd name him Sebastian.

Turk: I don't lose things.
Carla: Please, you lose everything. Sometimes I worry what you'll be like as a dad.
[fantasy:]
Turk: [on the phone] We're on our way back right now. Junior and I just went to pick up a pumpkin.
[Turk looks in the back and sees a pumpkin strapped into the kiddy chair]
Turk: I'm gonna have to call you back.
[meanwhile, at a pumpkin farm:]
Woman: Look, somebody left a baby here.
[Carla and Turk stand over their baby's crib, which now houses the pumpkin:]
Carla: Well, he is kind of cute.
Turk: Phew!
[later, in the bathroom:]
Turk: Our baby's first bath.
Carla: Oh, watch the head.
[ten years later, Turk and Carla sit in the bleachers as the pitcher knocks the helmet off their pumpkin:]
Carla: What?! Come on! That was intentional!
Turk: Charge the mound, son!
Both: Charge the mound!
[twenty-one years later:]
Turk: We are so damn proud of you, son.
Carla: My little valedictorian.
[A man accidentally nudges Turk, sending the pumpkin splattering to the ground]
Carla: [sobbing]
Turk: Put him back together, baby! No!
Young Man: Mom? Dad?
Carla: Son? Son?
Turk: Get over here, boy! You come and you give your father a hug!
[The young man is knocked down a bus]
Turk: No!
[Carla faints]
[reality:]
Turk: Dude, you all right? You were gone for a really long time.
J.D.: You're gonna be an awful father!

J.D.: [v.o.] I know it sounds melodramatic, but as I watched the two of them, they weren't battling for patients or for insurance, but for my soul.
Dr. Cox: She needed the TIPS...
Dr. Kelso: I've got you this time. I can taste it!
J.D.: [v.o.] It's an old story, really. Good versus bad. Right versus wrong. The dark side versus the light.
[fantasy: Dr. Kelso as Darth Vader and Dr. Cox as Obi-Wan Kenobi battle as the others, also in Star Wars costumes, watch:]
Dr. Kelso: I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
Turk: Easy, Chewie.
Janitor: [groans]
Dr. Kelso: I'll teach you to respect this institution.
Dr. Cox: I hope you learn from this.
J.D.: No!

Dr. Cox: Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Look it, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.
[fantasy scene: J.D.'s head explodes:]
Dr. Cox: I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. I mean, come on. You look ridiculous.

J.D.: [v.o.] Here's the problem with a surgical consult. I think Mr. Hoffner should be treated medically, but any surgeon is going to want to slice and dice him. You see, surgical and medical interns are like two rival gangs. Not real gangs. More like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.
[fantasy: J.D., Elliot and the medical doctors, Turk and the surgeons dance towards each other in the corridor]
All: Surgical, medical, surgical, yeah!
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, I knew there was one surgical intern I could count on.
J.D.: [singing] If you have some moles I will inspect them
Turk: [singing] I'll remove tumours from your brain to your rectum
Both: [singing] Between the two of us there is no wall We're a surgeon and a doc Above it all A surgeon and a doc Above it All

Dr. Kelso: Our next patient is a 26-year-old male who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
J.D.: [v.o.] I guess I never realized how hard rounds are on the patient. It feels like you're on display.
[fantasy: J.D. as Rodin's The Thinker as the doctors gather around:]
Dr. Kelso: Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder, why didn't he spend a little less time thinking and a little more time at the gym?
J.D.: I do cardio.