Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Dr. Cox: So you're the one who told Kelso that Mr. Martinez was dead? That's terrific work.
J.D.: [v.o.] Looks like word gets around.
Dr. Cox: What in the name of "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" were you thinking?
J.D.: Well, I'm new here but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures have a low success rate on dead people.
Dr. Cox: That TIPS procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance. Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance. Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?
J.D.: You don't have to be, like, mean about it.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Newbie. Just what in the hell do you want from me?
[fantasy: home movie of J.D. and Dr. Cox playing catch]
Dr. Cox: I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails where you obviously, if not grew up, then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now, okay?

Turk: Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
Elliot: Oh, my God. How does that stuff even get up there?
[montage:]
Man: I fell on it.
Woman: I fell on it.
Man: I fell on it.
Man: I was bored.
[present:]
Nurse Roberts: The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
Turk: Is that, like, next to the Lost and Found Box?
Nurse Roberts: Lost and Found box? There's no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box.

[fantasy: J.D. on Family Feud:]
Louie Anderson: Guys, we need an answer. Name one thing guys wanna see more than anything in the world?
J.D.: Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.
Louie Anderson: Show me boobs. There they are. Good job!
[reality:]
Jared: I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.
J.D.: [to Elliot] You're cute. [chuckles]