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‘The Incident’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Schitt's Creek: The Incident

602. The Incident

Aired January 14, 2020

David is mortified after a nighttime incident in bed with Patrick. Meanwhile, Johnny, Roland and Stevie visit a motel for sale, and Moira stages a takeover of a social media account to promote The Crows film.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Very well. Let me see what you're typing! "Big news coming soon, caw caw!" And a little yellow cartoon... winking. You know what would be fun, Alexis, let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.
Alexis: No, you can't do that.
Moira: Let me handle this, please. Okay, is it on? Can they see us?
Alexis: No, you just press "send."
Moira: Alexis, this is exciting! We have our very own digital soapbox here! It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, "You Go, Girl."

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Quote from Patrick

David: What is that noise?
Patrick: I don't know. Maybe the sheets are a bit stiff.
David: No, it's like a, a crinkling sound.
Patrick: Oh, you're probably just sitting on the mattress tag.
David: [gasps] Is this a mattress protector?
Patrick: No. No, no, that's a... a second sheet that you put on the mattress, um, that my mom gave me when I moved in, so I just...
David: You put down a plastic sheet?
Patrick: Well, I don't think it's a pla... I mean, it might have like a rubberized coating, but I don't know.
David: Oh my God!
Patrick: Purely coincidental.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Hey, let's talk about something else.
David: Sure, um... what's the thread count on this plastic?
Patrick: Okay, would it help if I were to share something private and embarrassing with you?
David: I might be too tired for that tonight.
Patrick: Ha ha! If we're gonna be married, I just think it's important that we be as open and honest with each other as we possibly can.
David: What is this sexy thing?
Patrick: Okay, I only put this in when you're not around. It's my mouth-guard.
David: Oh... well, there's nothing really embarrassing about that. Also, you look very beautiful.
Patrick: Aw, thank you. Um, hmm. How about... now?
David: My God!
Patrick: This is my nose thing, and it just helps me breathe better.
David: I have never been more attracted to you.
Patrick: Mm, same.
[They kiss and laugh]
David: Ooh! Ronnie's texting me a link to something?
Patrick: Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, I just got off the phone with the PR people from Interflix, they're making the announcement about the "Crows" movie at noon, so they've requested that you do a social media takeover, but don't worry, I will handle it.
Moira: Takeover? That sounds hostile.
Alexis: No, they just want you like, send out posts from their account, but I will do it for you.
Moira: You will?
Alexis: Mm-hmm, trust me. I've dated enough mid-level latte art influencers to know what the people want.
Moira: I'm sorry Alexis, I only understood about half of what you just said.

Quote from Patrick

David: Purely coincidental?
Patrick: [sighs] Okay, look. I just wanted you to... be comfortable in case it happened again, that's...
David: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Patrick: Come on, David, it's an expensive mattress!
David: More expensive than my dignity?
Patrick: I mean, comparable, at least.
David: Wow. Wow!

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Wow, someone's in a surprisingly good mood, considering they're 15 minutes late.
Moira: Blame my new internet frands.
Ronnie: What'd she just say?
Moira: Oh, I was dragooned into taking over the Interflix social media channels today, and apparently I'm quite proficient at it.
Twyla: I thought you hated social media. What did you call it, a um, a cauldron of self-absorption.
Moira: You have an almost unsetting memory, Twyla. Now just a quick snap for my friend, "Wine and Cat Gal 74," and her frands at the rehabilitation facility.
Ronnie: Fine, but nothing gets posted without my written approval.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, she doesn't know what she's doing, and didn't know that it was recording.
Patrick: Okay look, David can never, ever find out about this. I am actually afraid that he will never sleep again.
Moira: Precisely why we're involving you in this covert stratagem.

Quote from David

Patrick: You're not going anywhere.
David: No, I need to leave.
Patrick: David, calm down, okay? It's fine.
David: It's not fine! Nothing about that is fine. Do we have to file for divorce if we were never married?
Patrick: We are not getting divorced... Yet. I need to see if I can get the stain out of my sheets first.
David: Okay, does that window open? Because I'm about to jump out of it!

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, just get in the shower, I will deal with this. Just let-let me do that for you. And I gotta probably get these sheets in the wash sooner than later.
David: I will take a shower, but we must never see each other again.
Patrick: Okay, that sounds like a fair deal. David, I'm gonna need the bedspread too, so... Just... Okay. [door slams] I love you.
David: [o.s.] I'm glad one of us does!

Quote from David

Patrick: David, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And look, I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.
David: Mm.
Patrick: So maybe we can um... maybe we can take divorce off the table?
David: Maybe, but if the tables were turned, I can't say I'd be as generous.
Patrick: Understood.

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