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‘The Incident’ Quotes

Schitt's Creek: The Incident

602. The Incident

Aired January 14, 2020

David is mortified after a nighttime incident in bed with Patrick. Meanwhile, Johnny, Roland and Stevie visit a motel for sale, and Moira stages a takeover of a social media account to promote The Crows film.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Very well. Let me see what you're typing! "Big news coming soon, caw caw!" And a little yellow cartoon... winking. You know what would be fun, Alexis, let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.
Alexis: No, you can't do that.
Moira: Let me handle this, please. Okay, is it on? Can they see us?
Alexis: No, you just press "send."
Moira: Alexis, this is exciting! We have our very own digital soapbox here! It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, "You Go, Girl."

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Quote from Patrick

David: What is that noise?
Patrick: I don't know. Maybe the sheets are a bit stiff.
David: No, it's like a, a crinkling sound.
Patrick: Oh, you're probably just sitting on the mattress tag.
David: [gasps] Is this a mattress protector?
Patrick: No. No, no, that's a... a second sheet that you put on the mattress, um, that my mom gave me when I moved in, so I just...
David: You put down a plastic sheet?
Patrick: Well, I don't think it's a pla... I mean, it might have like a rubberized coating, but I don't know.
David: Oh my God!
Patrick: Purely coincidental.

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: Hey, let's talk about something else.
David: Sure, um... what's the thread count on this plastic?
Patrick: Okay, would it help if I were to share something private and embarrassing with you?
David: I might be too tired for that tonight.
Patrick: Ha ha! If we're gonna be married, I just think it's important that we be as open and honest with each other as we possibly can.
David: What is this sexy thing?
Patrick: Okay, I only put this in when you're not around. It's my mouth-guard.
David: Oh... well, there's nothing really embarrassing about that. Also, you look very beautiful.
Patrick: Aw, thank you. Um, hmm. How about... now?
David: My God!
Patrick: This is my nose thing, and it just helps me breathe better.
David: I have never been more attracted to you.
Patrick: Mm, same.
[They kiss and laugh]
David: Ooh! Ronnie's texting me a link to something?
Patrick: Okay, put it away, David. It's bedtime.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Hey, I just got off the phone with the PR people from Interflix, they're making the announcement about the "Crows" movie at noon, so they've requested that you do a social media takeover, but don't worry, I will handle it.
Moira: Takeover? That sounds hostile.
Alexis: No, they just want you like, send out posts from their account, but I will do it for you.
Moira: You will?
Alexis: Mm-hmm, trust me. I've dated enough mid-level latte art influencers to know what the people want.
Moira: I'm sorry Alexis, I only understood about half of what you just said.

Quote from David

Patrick: You're not going anywhere.
David: No, I need to leave.
Patrick: David, calm down, okay? It's fine.
David: It's not fine! Nothing about that is fine. Do we have to file for divorce if we were never married?
Patrick: We are not getting divorced... Yet. I need to see if I can get the stain out of my sheets first.
David: Okay, does that window open? Because I'm about to jump out of it!

Quote from Patrick

Patrick: David, just get in the shower, I will deal with this. Just let-let me do that for you. And I gotta probably get these sheets in the wash sooner than later.
David: I will take a shower, but we must never see each other again.
Patrick: Okay, that sounds like a fair deal. David, I'm gonna need the bedspread too, so... Just... Okay. [door slams] I love you.
David: [o.s.] I'm glad one of us does!

Quote from David

Patrick: David, there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, okay? And look, I found this blanket that I thought I had lost in the laundry room, so you've actually done me a favour.
David: Mm.
Patrick: So maybe we can um... maybe we can take divorce off the table?
David: Maybe, but if the tables were turned, I can't say I'd be as generous.
Patrick: Understood.

Quote from Patrick

David: Purely coincidental?
Patrick: [sighs] Okay, look. I just wanted you to... be comfortable in case it happened again, that's...
David: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Patrick: Come on, David, it's an expensive mattress!
David: More expensive than my dignity?
Patrick: I mean, comparable, at least.
David: Wow. Wow!

Quote from Alexis

Moira: What exactly is required of me?
Alexis: Um, just like, a couple of cute pics, and funny one-liners.
Moira: I see, and you would be the architect behind those funny one-liners?
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Moira: Colour me curious, what might one of my humorous quips sound like to you?
Alexis: Oh my God, I don't know yet.
Moira: Well, it's just that you and I have very different comedic stylings, dear. I take a slightly more cerebral approach.
Alexis: Okay, you were the one that described social media as an amusement park for clinical narcissists so, I'm doing you a favour.

Quote from Roland

Woman: Good morning, are you here for Benny Terkstra?
Roland: Uh, I spoke with somebody named Betty, but I was mowing the lawn at the time, so your guess is as good as mine.
Woman: Betty is Benny's wife. Please, follow me.
Roland: Huh, Betty and Benny? [chuckles] What are they, puppets? [cartoonish voice] It's the Benny and Betty Show!
Johnny: Okay, Roland...
Roland: Tu! Tu! I'm Betty. I'm Benny. I'm Betty!

Quote from Roland

Stevie: Why do I get the feeling this isn't an open house?
Roland: Maybe it's because of the coffin.
Johnny: This is a funeral, Roland! What exactly did the woman say to you?!
Roland: She said the showing was at nine o'clock. She may have said viewing.
Johnny: What the hell, Roland?!
Roland: Johnny, language, please! A man is dead.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Buongiorno, boys! Oh ho! Say hello at all my new hashtag "frands." It's a little word I assembled to consecrate my fans, who are also my friends.
David: Okay, "frands" doesn't sound nice.
Moira: To all of you asking what is little mercantile establishment with the almost gallery-like austerity? Well, it so happens it's also owned by my son, David Rose, say hi, David.
David: Okay, I would rather not, thanks.
Moira: And his hashtag fiancee, Patrick.
Patrick: I don't think you have to say hashtag when you're just talking, Mrs. Rose.
David: Okay, what are you doing? You look like the downfall of society. Can you please turn that off while you're in our store, please?
Moira: Very well. Frands, please keep checking your phones for more "Crow" related intel by me, Moira Rose, especially you, "Wine and Cat Gal 74," I do hope you stop crying soon. Caw! Caw! For now. Muah!

Quote from Moira

Moira: Hm, it's noticeably cheerless in here today. If I didn't know better, I would suspect a little trouble in paradise.
Patrick: David's just having a bit of a day. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
David: Okay, I'm doing fine, thanks!
Moira: David, what's wrong? [gasps] Your sleep apnea hasn't returned, has it? I thought that was remedied when you got your new nose.
David: It was.
Moira: Is it night sweats? You're not eating pepperettes in bed again!
David: No.
Moira: Night terrors?
David: I don't wanna talk about it!

Quote from Moira

Moira: David, don't tell me you've had a nighttime oopsie-daisy.
Patrick: I'm sorry, a what?
David: I'm leaving. Okay? And if I don't come back it's because of you. [exits]
Patrick: Me?
Moira: Ooh dear. David's nocturnal enuresis used to only happen when he went to bed all juiced up with excited anticipation about something. Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March. And now it seems your impending nuptials has opened the floodgates.
Patrick: Oh! Why am I oddly flattered?
Moira: I can't imagine.

Quote from Roland

Stevie: Well, I hate to point this out, Mr. Rose, but if you weren't in such a rush to see this place, we wouldn't be at a funeral.
Johnny: No, it's what happens when you leave anything up to Roland. We just have to find a window where we can leave without anybody seeing us. Because the last thing we want to do is offend the woman that's selling us this place.
Stevie: Well, assuming we're actually buying it.
Roland: You know what they say, you can tell the quality of a motel by the food they serve at the owner's funeral.
Johnny: We're not even supposed to be here, Roland, can you put the plate... Is that egg salad?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Say Havarti, girls! [camera click] Oh no! [laughs] Well, you can't win them all.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Wow, someone's in a surprisingly good mood, considering they're 15 minutes late.
Moira: Blame my new internet frands.
Ronnie: What'd she just say?
Moira: Oh, I was dragooned into taking over the Interflix social media channels today, and apparently I'm quite proficient at it.
Twyla: I thought you hated social media. What did you call it, a um, a cauldron of self-absorption.
Moira: You have an almost unsetting memory, Twyla. Now just a quick snap for my friend, "Wine and Cat Gal 74," and her frands at the rehabilitation facility.
Ronnie: Fine, but nothing gets posted without my written approval.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay, who taught you how to live-stream?!
Moira: A wonderful teen named CherryBus, she lives in Singapore. Why? Who wants to know?
Alexis: Okay, well, did she teach you how to turn it off? Because you just posted your entire conversation with David and Patrick!
Moira: No, I distinctly remember putting down the phone.
Alexis: But you didn't stop recording. So people basically got like, a whole podcast about how David's wetting the bed again. If I wasn't your publicist, I would be enjoying the situation a lot more than I am. Which is still like, quite a lot.

Quote from Stevie

Betty: I can't say I wasn't expecting you, I just didn't think you'd show up at the funeral! I'm aware that my husband was not perfect. I told him that poker ring was risky, and I know there were some shady business dealings that went on behind closed doors, but I had nothing to do with it!
Johnny: I'm sorry?
Betty: Well, you're the federal agents I was warned about. No need to keep up the act. Her face has "fed" written all over it.
Stevie: Thanks?

Quote from Roland

Betty: Well, now that you're here, why don't you come on in, and pay your respects to Benny?
Johnny: Oh...
Betty: Considering you may be taking over his home.
Johnny: Yes, yes, yes. Well, sure. We can come in, and pay our respects.
Roland: Too bad it's not an open casket. I would've loved to say goodbye to old Benny's face.
Betty: We'd be happy to open it for you.
Johnny: No, no, closed-closed is fine.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm! Quick "Q," um, has David taken your phone, or anything, or like, looked at anyone else's phone?
Patrick: No. Sorry, somebody wanna tell me what's goin' on?
Alexis: Okay, okay... so, no biggie, but my mom may have accidentally posted your little conversation from this morning over social media.
Patrick: The-the one about...
Alexis: The oopsie-daisy. Yes. But don't worry, I am involved now, and I will be taking it down.
Patrick: It's still up?!
Moira: And generating a lot of traction. But yes, it's been uh, we're taking it... it's being taken down right now.

Quote from Moira

Patrick: So how... how did this happen?
Moira: Right. I was strong-armed into participating in social marketing, and a dear friend of mine from Singapore, Miss CherryBus, suggested I try my hand at creating a living stream.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: Okay, she doesn't know what she's doing, and didn't know that it was recording.
Patrick: Okay look, David can never, ever find out about this. I am actually afraid that he will never sleep again.
Moira: Precisely why we're involving you in this covert stratagem.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So all we need to do is keep David off the internet for like, 24 hours, or until a celebrity says something wrong, which could be any minute.
Patrick: Okay, I think I can handle that.

Quote from Johnny

Stevie: I don't think I'm ready to... commit to this business like, as a whole.
Johnny: Oh. Well, that is a bigger conversation, isn't it?
Stevie: It's just, doing "Cabaret" made me feel like I should push myself, and so I just wondered... you know, maybe there's something more out there for me.
Johnny: Well, what are you saying, you want out?
Stevie: No! Uh, I don't know, I just... I feel like... I'd regret it if I didn't at least try to see what's out there.
Johnny: Well, if that's what you feel you need to push yourself, Stevie, I uh... certainly am not gonna stand in your way. Same reason I left the button factory when I was a young man. That, and the fact that working conditions weren't exactly safe for a ten-year-old, but... that being said, I'm not going to pretend that I don't hope you'll come back. Either way, I hope you find what you're looking for.


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