Tom: Well, that's where Lucy works.
Andy: Yeah.
Tom: Must have given the cabbie the address. Let's just get something to eat and fly home.
Andy: What? No! We came all this way. Tom, we should at least say hi.
Tom: No. You can't not talk to someone for five years and then show up unannounced where they work in a different city. That's what murderers do before they murder someone.

Andy: Lucy, hey. Andy Dwyer. Remember me?
Lucy: Yeah.
Andy: He's here helping me find a place to live. I just got a job here, and then when you hit him up on Gryzzl, he was like, "Let's go say hi to Lucy since we're already here in Chicago."
Tom: Yeah. That's the deal.
Lucy: Cool. What job is it?
Andy: Head coach of the Chicago Bulls.
Tom: No, he's, uh, working at a nonprofit.
Andy: No, what? Am I? Aw, that sucks.

Dan: Hey, guys. Welcome. I'm Dan.
Ben: Hi, I'm Ben. This is April. And I'm scared of death.
April: I'm just really interested in learning what you do.
Dan: You're gonna love it here. People are dying to get in. [chuckles] Come on, come on. We'll start down at the cadaver chute.
April: The cadaver chute. Come on!

Leslie Knope: So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God, I hate that I know that.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, it's murder on the old plumbing, but, uh, Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
Leslie Knope: I don't think this relationship is that healthy. I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm, I mean, come on. You love Porsches and spiked iced tea, and you have a Hooters platinum card.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore. But, uh, you know, it's good, you know? I'm better now. I mean, sure, I'm depressed, and, uh, I'm constantly sick, and nothing really brings me joy, but it just feels right. [sobbing] Oh, God.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, help me, Knope. Oh, I used to be so great. Remember? Everybody thought so.
Leslie Knope: Well--
Councilman Jamm: [sobbing] Oh, God.
Leslie Knope: Wow. This is worse than I thought. You're broken. She has broken you. You need to get away from her.
Councilman Jamm: Oh, God. Whoa, hey. Look at that. More hair came out. [laughing, sobbing]

Leslie Knope: Jamm, get in here.
Ron Swanson: Good God, man. What happened to you?
Leslie Knope: Tammy happened to him! Remind you of anyone, Ron? We need to put our issues aside and defend this miserable person.
Ron Swanson: Jeremy, this is a gold bar.
Leslie Knope: You keep that in your desk?
Ron Swanson: I will give you this gold bar if you say one unflattering thing about Tammy.
Councilman Jamm: If I do... does Tammy get to keep the gold?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Tom: I gotta say, hanging out with Lucy's been so fun. She's the best.
Andy: And I love that she's buying us stuff. Dude, make your move. Ask her out.
Tom: I don't know. She lives here. How would it even work?
Andy: Life is about taking risks. Look at me, Tom. I'm moving to Chicago.
Tom: It's just us right now. Do you really think you're moving here?

Lucy: One double XL, one kid's XL.
Tom: Hey, you remembered my size.

Tom: Hey, Lucy, can I ask you something?
Lucy: Of course. What's up?
Tom: I was wondering, would you want to maybe... come work for me in Pawnee? I have the company, and it's growing so fast. I can't do it all myself, and I need a manager, and you're a perfect candidate.
Lucy: Wow. Really? That does sound kind of awesome. And it'd be super fun to work with you. I mean, I have to talk to my boyfriend about it first, but...
Tom: Yeah, of course! This is all perfect, and everything's worked out just as I'd hoped.

Tammy Two: Hey, Jere-bear. What are you doing with these two jabronis?
Councilman Jamm: Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought. We should break up.
Tammy Two: [laughs] What's the matter, little boy? Did the bad people get to you?
Councilman Jamm: They just made me realize how unhealthy this is, literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
Tammy Two: That's 'cause you're my widdle baby.
Leslie Knope: We drilled you on this, Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?
Councilman Jamm: I'm not a baby. I'm a big boy!
Leslie Knope: Yeah, okay. That... Well, that wasn't terrible.

Tammy Two: Don't listen to Leslie. She's trying to manipulate you. All she cares about is herself, and I can prove it. How's this, Leslie? You leave us alone, and we swing the vote to you? Help you get your park.
Leslie Knope: No. Nice try. Stay strong, Jeremy.
Councilman Jamm: It's over, Tammy.
Tammy Two: Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship... tonight? [Jamm breathes heavily as Tammy strips naked] Huh? Let's do it.
Ron Swanson: [chuckles] And the last card is played.
Leslie Knope: What are you doing?
Librarian: Shh! This is a library.
Leslie Knope: Do you see what's happening here?