Lucy: Dude, thank you so much for this. I really owe you one.
Tom: No, you don't. You're smart and qualified and we're totally lucky to have you. Okay, let's do this. I still don't know what claiming allowances means. I always just put 6. So far so good.
Lucy: Dude, you are totally going to jail.

Leslie Knope: So I am here to talk to you about why you should vote "No" in the zoning issue--
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up, little chica. Before we go any further, I need to ask my girlfriend how she wants me to vote.
Leslie Knope: Why? Who's your girlfriend?
Tammy Two: Hello, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Tammy!

Leslie Knope: Wow, Jamm and Tammy. Jammy. [both laugh]
Councilman Jamm: Jammy.
Leslie Knope: You guys are so cute. When did you-- Why would either one of you, uh, you know, why? Dear God, why?
Councilman Jamm: Hit it off at karaoke. She saw me nail Gangsta's Paradise. I saw her bite the door guy... [chuckles] She then let me buy her a bunch of purses, and the rest is history.
Leslie Knope: Wait a second, this is great news, because Ron is my opponent in this, and you live to torture Ron. Vote for me so that you can screw Ron over.
Tammy Two: Maybe you're not a blonde bimbo after all.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.

[aside to camera:]
April: Joan has always been kind of a train wreck, but the last three years, she's gone off the deep end. She did a string of shows from rehab.
[TV clip:]
Joan Callamezzo: Victoria Herzog, you were a successful attorney from Wilmington, Delaware. Then you hit rock bottom.
Victoria Herzog: This is supposed to be anonymous.
[back:]
April: She once gave every member in her audience a car. One car, that they all had to fight for. Oh, and last year she did a show where she called all of her ex-boyfriends while sitting on a washing machine.
[TV clip:]
Joan Callamezzo: Well, Erik, if you didn't give it to me, then who did?
[back:]
April: I love her so much. I hope she's my real mom.

Leslie Knope: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Ms. Knope. How's that $0 bid coming along? You know, in my experience with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land.
Leslie Knope: In my experience with buttfaces, you are one.

Councilman Howser: We will now hear arguments about the Newport property. First, on behalf of Gryzzl, Mr. Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Thank you, councilman. When you vote tomorrow, we believe you should vote to rezone the land for commercial use.
Councilman Jamm: Well, I'm convinced. Tomorrow I'm voting for Gryzzl.
Leslie Knope: What? I didn't even get a chance to say my plan.
Councilman Jamm: Your plan? You know who else had a plan?
Leslie Knope: Please don't say Hitler.
Councilman Jamm: Adolf Hitler. [sighs] I'm with Swanson. It's a stache thing. Stache bros. You wouldn't understand. We're done here.
Ron Swanson: Well, that was easy.

Tom: I must be the first person ever to have money, power, and notoriety but still feel empty. [Andy scoffs] I need someone to share my life with.
Andy: What if your future wife is somebody that you already know? Let's open your Gryzzl page. [beep] What about her? She's cute. Date her.
Tom: That's my cousin.
Andy: Oh. How about her?
Tom: That's my dad! What's wrong with you?
Andy: I'm drunk, okay? Why are you only friends with your family?

Andy: Ooh, look, you just got a message from somebody named Lucy in Chicago. She looks familiar.
Tom: Yeah, we used to date. I was super into her.
Andy: No, that's not it. Was she in Destiny's Child?
Tom: "Hey, Tom. Saw the article, you boss! Let's catch up soon. Miss you."
Andy: [chuckles] Do you realize what's happening? We have been sitting here searching for your soul mate this whole time, and then Lucy just Gryzzl-texts you out of nowhere? It's a sign, and we have to catch it. We are going to Chicago.
Tom: Andy, think about what you're saying right now, 'cause it's the smartest idea anyone's ever had.

Leslie Knope: Ron, what did you do?
Ron Swanson: I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.
Leslie Knope: No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away from me. And I know this because earlier I sneaked and snooked around, and Jammy was supposed to vote for me. The snooker has become the snorked.

Ron Swanson: What are you talking-- [sniffs] She's near.
Tammy Two: Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Tammy. So you two are together now. My condolences to both of you.
Tammy Two: Mm.
Leslie Knope: You guys were supposed to vote for me.
Tammy Two: Leslie, I would never do anything to help you. You've always been against me and Ron. You're a big part of the reason that he and I aren't together and I had to settle for this placeholder.
Councilman Jamm: I love you so much.
Tammy Two: [sighs]
Leslie Knope: So you thought if you voted for Ron, you could actually win him back?
Tammy Two: Yeah, that's right. Did it work, baby? Are you horny with gratitude?
Ron Swanson: [laughs] You two more than deserve each other. Good luck. [whistles]