Ben: How are you?
Chris: Great. I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. [laughs] Progress.
Ben: So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together since I got back from D.C.
Chris: Well, we both are in serious relationships. You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week.

Tom: In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.
April: Yes.
Tom: Mine was the time he slipped on a cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage. [laughter]
April: My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. [laughter]
Andy: My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. [laughter] You're so cute when you're bullying, babe.
Donna: You know what? Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry.
Tom: What? No!
Donna: It's Christmastime. Don't you want to be good people?
Tom: Not really.
April: Never.

Leslie Knope: I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which House do you think you would have been?
Diane Lewis: [scoffs] Look, obviously, I want to say Gryffindor... [chuckles] But I've got to go with Hufflepuff.
Leslie Knope: I respect your honesty. Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team.

Donna: Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches?
Tom: Whoa. Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! I can't believe he didn't invite us. [thud] How dare he! What'd we ever do to him?
Andy: It's probably just family.
April: [gasps] And Ben and Chris.
Andy: And Ann. I didn't even know she knew Jerry.

Chris: Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. Gayle?
Gayle: Happy holidays, Chris.
Chris: It's so good to see you. I have someone I'd like you to meet.
Gayle: I'm Gayle Gergich.
Ben: Gayle? You're Gayle? Jerry's beautiful wife... Who looks like that.

Chris: Gayle, I hope you're not in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, since I dated your daughter.
Gayle: Oh, not at all. You're welcome here any time. Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. Oh. Well, look who's a silver fox.
Chris: [laughs] Will you look at that?
Ben: I'm sorry, you're okay? You don't feel like your body is in decay or death is inevitable?
Gayle: My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose.
Chris: Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose.

Gayle: Welcome, everybody, to another Gergich Christmas.
Jerry: Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, but our other two beauties, Miriam and Gladys, are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune. [plays piano and sings] Here we go a-caroling, among the leaves so green
Gayle: Here we come a-wandering, so fair to be seen
Miriam & Gladys:: love and joy come to you and to you glad Christmas too
All: And God bless you and send you a happy new year And God send you a happy new year. [cheers and applause]

Martin Housely: Our next award is for "Achievement in Chairs." The nominees are: Asa Christiana for chair, Ron Swanson for chair, H.W. Davenport for chair.
Tammy Two: So exciting, Ron.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Ron, this is your moment. Tune her out. She's not even here.
Martin Housely: And the winner is... Ron Swanson for chair.
Leslie Knope: Oh, wow! Whoo! [applause]

Diane Lewis: Have you seen Ron? He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere.
Leslie Knope: Diane. Ugh. The stuff with Tammy is so complex and weird and gross. It just would probably be better if you let me handle it.
Diane Lewis: I'm not worried about Tammy. I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal. I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time.
Leslie Knope: Oh, great. Good.
Diane Lewis: What concerns me is you.
Leslie Knope: You who?
Diane Lewis: You you.
Leslie Knope: You me?
Diane Lewis: You're the one who's been at his side all night. You're the one who's been protecting him, you're the one who knows all the intimate details of his romantic history with that monster.
Diane Lewis: Oh, no, no, no, no. Diane, you misunderstand. I'm happily engaged.
Leslie Knope: You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, it's not Tammy. It's you.

Ron Swanson: Fine, we're friends. So what do I do? Tammy's waiting for me in my car.
Leslie Knope: I think you should take my car and go get Diane, and I will handle Tammy.
Ron Swanson: Thank you. Protect your eyes, she's a gouger.
Leslie Knope: Good to know.