Millicent: Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl.
Chris: Well. Hi, there. How did you two meet?
Carl: Whitewater rafting.
Millicent: He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... [laughs] And then we got together.
Carl: Ah, so random, right?
Chris: What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting. [laughter] Well, I won't keep you guys. It's good to see you. Mwah. Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog.

Ben: So how'd it go? You okay?
Chris: [sighs] I'm fine. If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me. Thank you, Ben.
Ben: Thank me? For what?
Chris: For looking out for me tonight. You're a good friend.
Ben: Hey, so Gayle and Jerry...
Chris: I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation.

Tammy Two: Well, hello there, Big B- Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron?
Leslie Knope: Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. [Tammy scoffs] You'll never get him back.
Tammy Two: Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, and he's toast.
Leslie Knope: Few hours, you say? [starts the car]
Tammy Two: Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going?
Leslie Knope: I don't know.
Tammy Two: You're gonna regret this!

Ann: Well, hello again. You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.
April: I actually like that one.
Jerry: Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming. I--you know, never got your RSVP.
April: Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift. Merry Christmas.
Andy: Yeah, just-- we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death.
Tom: Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box.
Jerry: Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth. Okay, well, come on in! It's a party.
[As Tom, April and Andy enter the house, they close the door on Jerry]
Jerry: Uh. Oh, jeez.

Tammy Two: Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now.
Leslie Knope: What is wrong with you?
Tammy Two: Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this.
Leslie Knope: You are so crazy!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I think it's time to officially retire as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, and she seems more than up to the task. I mean, I'd do anything for Ron, even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now.
Tammy Two: Hi.
Leslie Knope: [screams]

Ron Swanson: Officer Skorggel.
Officer Skorggel: I pulled over a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. Ran the plates, saw it was your car. Figured it was stolen.
Tammy Two: Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, so I can put you into these handcuffs.
Diane Lewis: Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. I want this to be a fair fight.
Ron Swanson: Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? [thumping from trunk]
Leslie Knope: [o.s.] Ron!
Ron Swanson: There we go.
Leslie Knope: Hey! [thumping] Help.