Ron Swanson: Diane, that's my chair, right there.
Diane Lewis: It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner.
Ron Swanson: I'm not sure I stand a chance.
Diane Lewis: Hey, you most certainly do. They'd be crazy not to vote for you.
Leslie Knope: Which one is Ron's?
Diane Lewis: I don't know. [laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer.

April: It looks warm in there! Warm and happy.
Donna: Mm, look at that gingerbread man.
Tom: What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies.
Donna: I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. Look like Blake Griffin.

Andy: You guys! There's a buffet in the house! I didn't even know you could do that!
Tom: We need to crash this party. [knocking at window] Ann, let us in. Let's go.
Ann: Well, well, well. You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that?
April: I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. [breathes rhythmically]

Andy: Oh, well, whatever. It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? [gasps] Santa! They have a Santa!

Tom: Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party. [gasps] Jerry Filter!
April: Jerry Filter!
Andy: Who's Jerry Filter?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. A-a-and... Here's our invitation.
April: There's three years of nice messages on here. "Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry."
Tom: "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom."
Andy: I just tied my high score in Snake.

Ron Swanson: This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut. [Tammy Two does a Basic Instinct] Uh, thank you... for this... Uh, this all good-- night good. Uh... There it is. [hesitant applause]

Diane Lewis: She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder if I was ever gonna get to that point. I'm worried that maybe there isn't room in your life for another woman.
Ron Swanson: At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it.
Diane Lewis: But not France, right?
Ron Swanson: God, no. See? You know me pretty well already, but you're about to get to know me even better. I brought you here because I want to show you something that almost no one knows about. Certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope.
Emcee: Ladies and gentleman, and especially the ladies, put your hands together for the one, the only, my man, Mr. Duke Silver. [cheers and applause]
Ron Swanson: A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. I, of course, am Duke Silver, and I would like to dedicate this first song... to my duchess. [Jazzy version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" plays]
Woman #1: You're so lucky.
Woman #2: I'm going to kill you.

Martin Housely: Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards. [cheers and applause] I'm your host, Martin Housely, and wow, it's gonna be a great show, knock on wood. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: That's good.
Tammy Two: Oh, my gosh. What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table!
Leslie Knope: Tammy, this table is reserved.
Tammy Two: A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt, respectively. Remember that, Ron?
Diane Lewis: Subtle.

Ann: You guys, that's so mean.
April: It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins.

Ann: You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.
Tom: Ha! That's hilarious. You should do stand-up.
Ann: If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it. Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. Boom! I'm out.
April: Who's Matlock?