Ben: So your company is involved with one of the bidders?
Mike: Hell yeah, pimp! He's on team Gryzzl now. We, uh, hired his company to help plan and build our new Gryzzl campus. Right here in town. Oh, and that land? Oh, my gosh. It's perfect. The trees and rocks and sky.
Ron Swanson: Yes, the land has good sky.
Mike: This guy's so far out. So norm-core.

Leslie Knope: You know that the National Park System deserves this land. Why are you trying to screw me? This is like Morningstar all over again.
Ron Swanson: This is nothing like Morningstar. And that was two years ago.
Leslie Knope: Well, you don't know who you're dealing with. I directly oversee 1,200 people. I have a staff of creative geniuses that will not stop working until we win this bid.
Ed: Leslie? I-I couldn't find that file you wanted, but I did find a file called bird census, 1980. And...it's empty.
Leslie Knope: Get out of here, Ed! I fired you.
Ed: Right. If anyone wants to hang, I will be at Subway.
Leslie Knope: He's very stupid.

Leslie Knope: Uh, Jessica? Hi. I'm glad I caught you before you left. Just between you and me, what do you think your land might sell for tomorrow?
Jessica Wicks: Trevor says it'll probably be around $90 million. Ah ha! Woo!
Leslie Knope: Oh. Oh- Oh, wow.
Jessica Wicks: I know. I am just--I am so happy for me.
Leslie Knope: Would you ever consider giving the federal government a discount? For a very good cause? A national park.
Jessica Wicks: Oh, Leslie. I have always liked you.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, no, you haven't, though.
Jessica Wicks: But I also like money. And money pays for my lifestyle. Leslie doesn't pay for my lifestyle, money does. So between money and Leslie... Uhh. You see the bind that I'm in?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, it's a tough one. Well, thank you, Jessica. You did and said exactly what I thought you were gonna do and say. And that's oddly comforting.
Jessica Wicks: Thank you, sweetie.

Ben: Hey, Tom?
Tom: Ben Wyatt, city manager of Pawnee. Chamber of Commerce asked me to introduce him at a very fancy black tie gala tonight. One of the many area big wigs who comes to me for life advice, fashion tips. Uh, you get it. Write this all down.
Ben: So for the introduction, I'd love it if you could just keep it brief. Like, stick to my fiscal accomplishments.
Tom: [snores] Oh, wanna wake me up when you're done boring us to death? Am I right, Janet? [laughs] Write down that I'm funny. Benji? Relax, come on. When's Tommy ever let you down?
Ben: Constantly.

Andy: Hey, check it out. I'm so crazy and spontaneous, I don't even need this sling anymore.
April: Yes.
Andy: Pa-dow. [groans] Oh! Oh, did you hear that pop? Could you hear that?

Andy: You wanna do shots?
April: Yeah, I'd love to do a shot. 'Cause wine makes me sleepy now.
Andy: This is gonna be fun. What do you want to do first?
April: Ooh. I dare you to eat this entire jug of olives.
Andy: Done!
April: What are you doing?
Andy: I'mma take a Zantac. All that salt will give me heartburn.
April: Oh, God. You ruined it. We--we have to figure something else out.
Andy: Should I still take the Zantac?
April: Yeah, you always feel better when you do. Oh, my God, I hate us! Let's go.

Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, you're getting married? That's amazing. And you didn't tell me earlier? How could you?
Donna: Joe popped the question a few days ago. I didn't post anything on Gryzzlfeed 'cause I wanted to tell you in person.
Leslie Knope: This is very beautiful. And I'm furious at you.
Donna: How are you? How are the kids?
Leslie Knope: Oh, they're great. You know. They're trying to destroy us. There's three of them. It's insane. But they're great.

Tom: Good evening, and welcome to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala. [applause] Not long ago, this town was barely on the map. Unless you were talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets. [laughter] But then, one great man came along and he lifted all of us up. And that man was me. Tom Haverford. Owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro. And several other establishments.

Tom: People come up to me and they say things like, Tom, given all that you've accomplished, is it hard to stay humble? And I say... not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble. But, enough about me. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pawnee's man of the year 2017, Mr. Ben Wyatt. [cheers and applause]
Ben: Thank you. Thanks. And thank you to Tom for that moving tribute to you. And thank you to the boys and girls club for the incredibly lifelike paper-mache statue. You know, when I first moved here-- [interrupting music] Oh, uh. I guess it's time for cake? Okay. Great. Perfect. Timing.

Andy: Oh, how about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on, everybody's fancy jewelry is missing. Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.
April: Let's put stink bombs in all the vents.
Andy: Yes.
April: Wait, no. I forgot. I got rid of all the stink bombs before you babysat Leslie's kids. Being responsible adults sucks butts.
Andy: Butts, that's it. I'll streak across the stage.
April: Yes, I love it.
Andy: I'm gonna get naked. I'm gonna get up there. Everyone is gonna see my weiner. I mean, you've seen it. You know how dumb it looks.
April: Uh-huh.
Andy: Perfect plan.