Tom: Good evening, and welcome to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala. [applause] Not long ago, this town was barely on the map. Unless you were talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets. [laughter] But then, one great man came along and he lifted all of us up. And that man was me. Tom Haverford. Owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro. And several other establishments.