Malcolm: But I think the main thing that got me through my time in prison was the realization that a "raisin" can be anything.
Schmidt: We got to go! [in Southern accent] Ma called. The bees are back.
Jess: Ma called. The bees are back.
Malcolm: Oh, okay. Um... Should I just... Should I wait for you?

Schmidt: Okay, Jess, how can I put this? You're the prize here. Okay? You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys are the fat kids in the cafeteria, and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck.
Jess: You really think I'm the last piece of pie?
Schmidt: Damn right you're the last piece of pie. You're the best girl on Dice, Jess. And who cares what these guys are feeling? You know, what do you feel? Jess, what do you want?
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: You're the pie.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: Say it again.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: Say it again.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: There you go.
Jess: Who are you?
Schmidt: Never really thought about that.

Jess: Hi, guys. Um, have either of you seen the French press?
Schmidt: The French press is in cupboard 64B. Did you not consult your item map?
Jess: No, I looked there. The Tagine's in 64B.
Schmidt: What is the Tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?!
Nick: I used the French press. Everybody chill out. So it's in here somewhere.
Schmidt: Nick, you know you're not allowed to use the French press.
Nick: I use it to get the pulp out of my juice. So just give me one second, I'll find it. Hold on. Oh, yeah. I wasn't looking for it, but I found my pulp bowl.
Schmidt: That is a crystal candy bowl filled with orange goop.
Nick: I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm going to my study.
Schmidt: You are gonna get back here and clean your room, mister!
Jess: Guys, I still need the French press.

Schmidt: But let me tell you something, Jess. She played you, too.
Jess: No, she didn't.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Jess: No, she didn't. I filled out the form, I submitted it. Here's the confirmation, right here. "Thank you for your inquiry. We will respond in 360-500 days... !"
Schmidt: Isn't she great?
Jess: She can't just walk all over the people of the city like the Jolly Green Giant.
Schmidt: Jolly Green Giant... He doesn't stomp on people. He encourages them to eat their vegetables.

Schmidt: Ah. N... noise. N... noise. Where would... where would we be without you?
Outside Dave: I don't know.
Schmidt: A tree falls, a cabin is made, uh... [muttering] It just... this doesn't... doesn't look right. A woman screams, a b... a baby is b... a baby is born.
Fawn Moscato: Maybe if the speaker would stop fiddling with his jacket...
Schmidt: I just... It... It just doesn't feel like these are...
Outside Dave: He's saying all the right things.
Schmidt: That son-of-a-bitch tailor ruined my jacket. [sighs] That... that baby that screamed becomes a man and that... that was the story of Abra... Abraham Lincoln.
Jess: How dare you evoke Lincoln! He was our quietest president!
Schmidt: I feel... I'm just so... I'm so uncomfortable right now, because of my sleeves. I feel like an idiot up here, in this jacket! Nobody's telling me my... my... The tailoring is off! I'm going... I'm seeing... I'm seeing a new tailor, everyone.
Fawn Moscato: Sir... ?
Outside Dave: My tailor's great. I'll give you his number: Eight.
Schmidt: I look like a freaking matador in this thing! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Kai: Hey, how'd it go? She like the Perfect Pet Pic?
Jess: Even better. She hated the Swuit.
Nick: Yeah, she's got a similar product on QVC called the Scruit. It's a suit made of scrubs. It was developed for prison weddings.
Schmidt: Yeah, paid us $10,000 to kill the Swuit.
Nick: Yeah!

Schmidt: Oh. Thank God. Hey, how are you? I dropped something in the bin, and I need it back.
Wally: You Jewish?
[A stunned Schmidt does a series of double-takes]
Schmidt: I just need a bo... I just need a box.

Schmidt: You are kind. You are brave. You are a Maccabee. You are Daddy's favorite boy. You are loved by a wonderful woman. Deep breath in... [inhales] All heart, all action. Movement, direction, directive.

Nick: This is all my fault. I'm supposed to be your best man. I screwed you, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I screwed you! [sighs] I was just trying to make Cece happy. It's all I want. It's all I ever want to do is just to make her happy.
Nick: Wait a second, say that again.
Schmidt: I screwed you.
Nick: Why would you go to that? No, about making her happy.
Schmidt: All I want to do is make Cece happy?
Nick: [snaps fingers] There it is. There's your big idea.
Schmidt: There's my big idea. Yeah. To make her happy.
Both: That's it, that's it.
Schmidt: There's my big idea! All I want to do is make Cece happy! There it is! "Jeans" isn't a letter! [laughs] Jeans is pants!

Schmidt: It's just, this is the first birthday party that our daughter is actually going to remember. If it's anything less than perfect, I'm going to hire a professional samurai to chop me in half.
Cece: That seems proportional.
Schmidt: Okay, fine. You know what? You're right. Let's break out the booze.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: Put some toilet tissue in the bounce house.