Nick: Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? Wherever it is. So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. I know I'm living this rock star life, but I'm still a man of the people.
Kai: But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, get off this bed into the cold right now?
Nick: Look, I like you for you, and... Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, you like me for me and not all the incredible stuff that I have.
Kai: Huh?
Nick: I mean, this room. Half this stuff is mine. I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase that I don't even use. Ticket stubs to all the Bears games I've ever been to, except for one. The guitar pick from that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. A Frisbee that I'm currently storing on my neighbor's roof. You know, an autographed Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi. R.I.P. But none of that matters. I want to be with you, wherever you live. I mean, hell, I've been cooped up in this palace for long enough.

Jess: But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? I'm talking about Paris.
Cece: Oh, this is about Paris!
Jess: I'm talking about Paris.
Cece: I knew it!
Jess: We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, so I had to move in with Spencer? While you were being squired about the Louvre, I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water!
Coach: You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way.
Cece: It's not my fault!

Jess: Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, you'd still be arguing over the fact that you recorded football over
your Charlie Rose episodes.
Coach: It's all good, man.
Schmidt: We're not though.
Cece: Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur who just records things to look smart because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure about my intelligence?"
Jess: Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead who has to rewatch football because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" [Cece and Jess laugh]

Nick: Sorry, just scoot down. I need to iron this shirt that I'm wearing for my date with Tran's granddaughter. It's either this or the turtleneck my mother bought me in 2009. They're my only clean shirts.
Jess: The short-sleeved turtleneck? Don't do that.

Cece: Okay, look, we need this whole table for Nadia's baby shower, all right? So, move along.
Nick: Nadia? Isn't that the Russian chick who broke, uh, Schmidt's, uh...
Schmidt: Will to live? After she broke my penis? [chuckles]

Jess: There's an ironing board in the bathroom.
Nick: I know, but I've been using that to wedge it between two urinals to keep Schmidt from peeking. But fine, I'll use that!

Cece: But then we both decided that it was better if neither one of us bought it.
Jess: Yep.
Schmidt: The neon yellow purse? With the strap? Yeah, I've seen that. It's in your closet. I wonder how many
rubber duckies needed to die to make that thing.
Jess: Uh, Schmidt, you don't know what you're talking about.
Cece: I got to run.
Coach: Oh...
Schmidt: What?
Cece: Thank you so much for helping with the baby shower. You know, you are just the best.
Jess: No, you're the best.
Coach: Whoa.
Jess: Did I tell you I love your top, by the way?
Cece: No. Oh, I just found this in the back of my closet.
Schmidt: What's... what's happening?
Coach: [whispers] You said too much.
Cece: So, I'll call you later?
Jess: Definitely.
Cece: Okay. Bye!
Jess: Bye! [door closes] Oh, my God!
Schmidt: What just happened?
Coach: That's a girl fight.

Coach: Schmidt, stay out of it, man. Girl fights are dangerous, okay? I grew up with three sisters, and I wore a cup until I was 14 years old.
[flashback:]
Young Coach: What's wrong?
Sister #1: They planned to wear braids and bows and didn't tell me on purpose.
Young Coach: [puts a bow on his sister's head] There. Now you match. [Coach's other two sister cuts off their braid and bow] Oh.

Coach: Schmidt, I'm talking about how women act towards other women. You don't want to get in the middle of that.
Schmidt: Coach... Jess has the purse. I saw it in her closet when it was rainy and I was bored and I was feeling snoopy.
Coach: No, no, no...
Schmidt: See? Look-- the purse. In the immortal words of Tag Team, "Whoop. There it is."

Schmidt: Three days without Cece? Do I have to spend three days without Cece?
Jess: Yes. I don't trust you around her. She makes you weak and penis-dumb.
Schmidt: Three days without Cece? Why don't you just replace my shoes with bags and turn me into a lunatic?
Coach: Stay out of it, man.
Jess: Stay the hell out of it, bro.
Schmidt: Here's a different take: Why don't I spend more time with her?
Jess: Stay out of it.
Schmidt: I'm confused. Now, should I... Are you asking me to spend more time with her or stay out of it?
Coach: Like, for real?