Kai: I hate this. I hate first dates.
Nick: Me, too.
Kai: I hate all... I hate the second ones and the third ones and the fourth ones.
Nick: Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. I hate dates.
Kai: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Nick: The first ones are the worst.
Kai: Yeah. This is terrible.
Nick: They're terrible. They're awkward.

Nick: Please don't tell Tran how bad this is going.
Kai: Oh, I will.
Nick: Don't. It'll be so embarrassing.
Kai: Yeah.
Nick: He's probably my best friend.
Kai: Really?
Nick: Yes.
Kai: You're not his best friend. [laughing]
Nick: That's a terrible thing to say.
Kai: [laughing] It's true.

Nick: This is going great.
Kai: Oh, God, I hate this. I just want to sit around and do nothing, but that is not hot.
Nick: That's hot to me. You add some sweatpants to that, and that is better than porn.
Kai: [chuckles] I love porn. But I like to mute it and come up with my own voices, like, [deeply] "Hey, that's a very interesting mesh cat suit." [high-pitched] "Thank you. It used to be my grandmother's." [laughs] Something like that.
Nick: Cheers.
Kai: Yeah. That was a weird cheers! Can we go?!
Nick: Yes. Let's get out of here. This sucks!

Coach: They haven't moved in three days.
Winston: Very weird. Alarming, even. Wait, doesn't she work or...?
Coach: Shouldn't you be studying?
Winston: Or live somewhere?
Coach: Shouldn't you be studying?
Winston: Or have worried loved ones?
Coach: Studying?
Winston: Coach, this is gonna take some serious investigative police skills. But I'm onto her. I didn't know girls could be so slovenly.
Coach: I did. I have sisters. Oh, my God, we know. [punches Winston]
Winston: [grunts]
Coach: We cool?
Winston: We cool.

Jess: Oh. Just who I was looking for. Hey. How would you like a piping hot latte?
Cece: Thanks, Jess, but, you know, I, um... I can buy my own. [holds up yellow handbag]

Jess: You weren't supposed to talk to Cece. What happened?
Schmidt: Well, I had to see her. I can't go three days without seeing Cece. [exhales] And it went
just like you said it would.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I'm gonna go get the purse.
[present:]
Schmidt: She played me like John Popper plays that little harmonica and fiddle thing.

Schmidt: [on the phone] Coach, I need you. Jess and Cece are in a thing, and it is terrifying.
Coach: [lying on his bed] I'm pretty busy, but, all right, hold on, let me put down the stuff I've been working on.
Schmidt: Coach, I am at the baby shower.
Coach: [sits up] You're at the... What? Are you dumb? You're dumb. You're very dumb. Get out of there.
Schmidt: I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. I thought I could fix this. I gave Cece the purse. Obviously, it was a mistake. Oh, God, look at them. They're like silent, angry statues right now. It's terrifying and als... Maybe a little erotic. Okay, fine, it's very erotic. You know what? Coach, I'm telling you-- I'm finding out that fear plays a big part in my sexuality.
Coach: Schmidt, what happens when two passive-aggressive people start confronting each other?
Schmidt: I don't know. What happens?
Coach: Anything! Anything can happen! That's what I'm telling you! Are you ready for anything to happen?
Schmidt: Obviously not. That's why I'm calling you.

Jess: And then, you told Mike Hannamin I was on my period!
Cece: He wanted to know why you were wearing sweatpants in the pool! Okay, I was defending you!
Coach: [enters] I have arrived!
Nadia: Ah, Mr. Stripper.
Cece: Okay, so what's next, Jess?
Schmidt: [to Coach] 20 years of fights are happening right now. They're getting into everything.

Cece: How I intentionally didn't put gas in your car on senior ditch day?
Jess: You did. You did.
Cece: I did not!
Coach: All right, ladies, stop it.
Jess: I gave you the money, and you spent it on condoms and taffy.
Schmidt: By the way, that sounds like a hell of a day.
Jess: Well, I wouldn't know. I was stranded on a beach being a virgin!

Coach: [to Jess and Cece] Stop it!
Nadia: I'm bored.
Coach: Here's what you guys are gonna do. You're gonna punch each other.
Nadia: Now I'm not bored.
Jess: I'm not doing that.
Cece: What?
Jess: I'm not doing that.
Coach: Well, you got to do something. Man up, punch each other and end this. You got to have it out so you can get past this.