Jess: Hey, look who it is! It's Schmidt. And...
Schmidt: This is Barb. Barb is leaving.
Nick: Oh, Barb. Like the elephant.
Schmidt: That's Babar, you dum-dum.
Jess: Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up? Since I know sleeping wasn't the main activity of the night. Thin walls. Just kidding. They're very thick. You're just so loud! [chuckles]
Barb: You have a lot of roommates.
Schmidt: So many of 'em. That's great.

Schmidt: You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice. Do you want to see... Do you want to see... This is Dice. Come here. It's all about split-second decisions, okay? You see a picture, you swipe down for yes, you swipe up for no.
Jess: You're so fast.
Schmidt: Instinct. That's what it's about. Which you don't have. Now, I'm gonna go do a deep-ass mouthwash. Don't go on Dice, Jess.

Winston: You know, I'm really enjoying the police academy, but, believe it or not, I am not clicking socially with the other cadets.
Nick: What? Weird.
Cece: Oh, my God. That is super shocking news.
Coach: No.
Schmidt: That's crazy.
Nick: I can't wrap my head around that.
Schmidt: That just doesn't add up.
Winston: Everyone's got a nickname but me.
[flashback:]
Man: Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner? [chuckles] Hey, Winston Bishop.
[present:]
Cece: Why don't you just go ask them if you can hang out with them sometime? I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
Winston: [chuckles] Just invite myself? Now, that's just rude. Winnie the Bish wasn't raised to be rude. Now, save my seat. I got to go make a caca.

Coach: I pick up stuff really quick.
Nick: You can't just pick up pot and be good at it. Like everything else in life, it takes practice.
Schmidt: Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine year old Chinese girl.
Nick: Daddy's here to take care of you. I'm gonna guide you through it. I'll be your spiritual guru.
Cece: And Mommy's got nothing to do this afternoon, so I'm gonna bake some damn brownies so we can all freak out.

Schmidt: Welcome and... good morning.
Jess: It's weird here in the morning.
Schmidt: It is very sad. Now, over the next 1,000 minutes, your notions of dating will be challenged. Jess, just listen. No notes.
Jess: I'm sorry. You put notebooks and pens on the table, so I thought...
Schmidt: I totally get it. Look, Jess, you're nervous. Would you like some water?
Jess: Oh, thank you.
Schmidt: Of course. [pours glass of water]
Jess: That's really nice of...
Schmidt: [knocks drink away] Never show weakness. Write that down.

Nick: The oceans are very wild. No man or piece of scientific technology has ever been to the bottom of the ocean.
Cece: Titanic did.
Nick: Uh, Titanic sunk down there, but that's not to the bottom.
Cece: No, the man who made Titanic did.
Nick: I don't know what Manhoo is, but...
Coach: You guys seem a lot higher than me.
Nick: Well, it hits everybody at different times, Hoss. But it's coming for you.

Winston: My people! [chuckles] Time to rally, everybody. We are going to a party. I took Cece's advice and decided to invite myself to hang out with some of the other guys, and I think y'all should roll with. Make me look cooler.
Cece: I'll totally go to a party on your butt.
Winston: What? [Cece laughing] Now, that is a humorous image.

Jess: What do you do?
Malcolm: Um, well, I don't have a job, currently, right now, in the traditional "nine to five" sense, but, uh, I got a lot cooking. I "grow" "raisins." [Schmidt signals to Jess]
Jess: I'm sorry, Malcolm, um, I'm gonna have to...
Schmidt: [whispering] Get out of there.
Jess: Let you finish that story.
Malcolm: Oh, okay. I grow two types of raisins. There's the Leopold raisin, which is from Austria.
Jess: Mm-hmm.
Malcolm: And then there's the Zwiebel raisin, which is also from Austria.

Schmidt: You have so much hair.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Where did all that hair come from? You're like a lioness.

Michael: So, did you know you could put a whole live chicken in your mouth and eat it without plucking it or preparing it at all?
Schmidt: [whispering] Keep it simple.
Jess: Uh, let's keep it simple. You're a nice guy, and that's a neat outfit. Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik? Are... Do you work on... on a submarine?
Michael: Shh. [goes in to kiss Jess]
Jess: No! No! Oh. Stand down, sir!
Schmidt: We found your son. He's alive.
Jess: They found my son; he's alive. I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you.