Previous Episode Next Episode 


Season 4, Episode 2 -  Aired September 23, 2014

Jess seeks Schmidt's help when she joins a dating site. Meanwhile, Nick, Cece and Coach get high before being invited to a party held by Winston's cop buddies.

Quote from Nick

Coach: I feel really calm. Really relaxed. Oh, look, a hummingbird.
Nick: What the hell are you talking about? There's no such thing as a hummingbird. Birds don't hum. They sing. They basically invented singing. You're so high right now, man. You're so high, I couldn't possibly even bring you back.
Coach: Actually, dude, I feel really good.
Nick: Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk, you look like an insane person. Okay? And your voice sounds so stoned and crazy. Say something.
Coach: Hello, Nick.
Nick: [laughs] That took you, like, 20 minutes. "Hello, Nick."


Quote from Cece

Cece: [to a dog] I would love for you to share... share... what you think I should do with my life. Am I boring you now?

Quote from Winston

Coach: Officer, can I read you your rights? You have the right to remain hugged. [laughter]
Nick: Oh, no, Coach!
Coach: And you have the right to remain sweet. [laughter]
Nick: [kicks grill] Run! Diversion! Run! Run! Now! Now! Uh, du...?
Dugan: What's with your friends, Winston Bishop?
Winston: They kicked over the grill, and then they ran that way.
Dugan: Yeah... I know.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Wait a minute. Are you from Portland? The Jolly Cow Creamery.
Jacob: Yeah, I used to work there summers in high school.
Jess: No way. I'm from Portland, too.
Jacob: Are you serious?
Jess: Yes. I used to go there all the time in high school.
Jacob: Oh, my God.
Jess: That's so funny. [both laugh]
Jacob: Yeah, I hope you like this place. I live, like, right across the street, so...
Jess: Oh. [clears throat] I get it. You asked me here because you want me to go home with you.
Jacob: Wait. What?
Jess: No. Um, you know what? I got to go. I have hockey practice. I'm center wing, so they really need me. I...
Jacob: Wow. Okay, I just live across the street. I'm not some weirdo trying to lure you back to my apartment. I thought we were kind of hitting it off. Guess you just make a snap decision, and then that's it, so... All right, well, have a good practice. And by the way, there's no center wing in hockey.

Quote from Jess

Jess: No. Schmidt, the whole point of going on dates is to fall in love and have a relationship. Like, don't you ever worry that you're missing out? I mean, you're plowing through all these girls, and some of 'em might be great, but you'll never know. Do you want to go through life that way?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Jess: I don't. [exits]
Schmidt: [to waiter] Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um... the rock shrimp meatballs. What is this place?

Quote from Coach

Cece: I think my life is going nowhere.
Coach: Oh. Mmm. No, Cece. It's wonderful here. Do you like to learn?
Cece: I do.
Coach: I see you going back to school.
Cece: [gasps] I see it, too.
Coach: Yes, yes.
Nick: I don't see it.
Coach: Yes.
Nick: She's a bartender. Why would she get paid for it?
[Cece and Coach hum "Pomp and Circumstance]
Nick: She's not very good at it.
[All hum "Pomp and Circumstance"]

Quote from Winston

Dugan: That was a lot of fun... Toilet.
Winston: "Toilet." Is that... is that my nickname?
Dugan: Yeah, 'cause living with these guys, you got to put up with a lot of crap.
Winston: Lot of crap. [laughs]
Dugan: Let's get a beer.
Winston: [to his friends] Thank you very much. [to the cadets] Flush, flush, what's the rush? Toilet's coming!

Quote from Jess

Jess: So... will you give me another chance to get to know you?
Jacob: Yeah. Let's go back in and get a drink.
Jess: Yes. Great.
Jacob: Hey, uh, you know, we can just make that last date disappear. Like... this coin.
Jess: [laughing] Oh. You're a magician.
Jacob: No. Ugh. No. I'm a comedy magician.
Jess: Even better.
Jacob: And, like a lot of people in comedy, I have a little problem with, uh... Nose candy.
Jess: Uh-oh.
Jacob: [pulls licorice out of his nose] Can't have this. It's my last one.
Jess: [laughing] No...
Jacob: I'm kidding. Take it.
Jess: I don't want it.
Jacob: Please take it.
Jess: No, you take it.
Jacob: Okay. Let's go in.
Jess: [quietly] Schmidt?

Quote from Schmidt

Barb: Schmidt? I totally didn't think I'd ever hear from you again.
Schmidt: Well, you know, I just figured, why not see if there's something here? You know, let's hang out, get to know each other. There's a coffee place down the street. Maybe we could go... Grab a cup of joe.
Barb: I don't think you understand Dice.
Schmidt: Okay. [door closes] Jessica!

Quote from Jess

Jacob: I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding, and these are stuck. [giggles] Now the rings are free, but the groom is imprisoned forever.
Jess: I know how he feels.
Jacob: You know what they say. You got to crack a few eggs to, uh... make an Amish. [giggles]
Jess: It's an egg.
Jacob: It's an Amish person.
Jess: My uncle is on fire.
Jacob: So, you've seen a rabbit pulled out of a hat, but have you ever seen a hat pulled out of a rabbit? [giggles]
Jess: No, no! Oh, my... Okay, this date is over.

 Page 3