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Season 4, Episode 2 -  Aired September 23, 2014

Jess seeks Schmidt's help when she joins a dating site. Meanwhile, Nick, Cece and Coach get high before being invited to a party held by Winston's cop buddies.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Now, you're on Dice and this hunk shows up.
Jess: Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.
Schmidt: Don't ever do that again.
Jess: Okay.
Schmidt: So you find this man. He looks like a Hemsworth, if you will. He swipes down, you swipe down, you guys set a date. I show up. Hey, how you doing? I'm Jack Steele.
Jess: Hi, Jack.
Schmidt: [buzzing] Wrong.
Jess: Is that our Taboo buzzer?
Schmidt: Not important. Why did I buzz?
Jess: Do you think you could just return it to the box when you're done?
Schmidt: The reason I buzzed is because I look nothing like this person. Look at this. There's a sun-kissed sweetie. I am a rugged Semitic prince.
Jess: I thought we were role playing.
Schmidt: Role playing? What about this feels like a game to you? [buzzing]


Quote from Jess

Jess: Schmidt, will you at least just talk to me, please? He looked nice in his picture. The frame cut off the bottom of his beard, so how was I to know it was braided into a beardy tail? He asked me to the food court near his house. I thought that was down to earth, and I liked that. He didn't bring any money, so we had to go back to his apartment. And also he wanted to show me some of his old baby clothes. [groans] Maybe I'm not ready for Dice. Will you just help me, please? I want to get back out there. I have to... I need to get back out there. And I know I'm gullible. 'Cause people tell me that, and I have no reason not to believe them. Teach me to Dice.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Ooh, I got a Dice match. Jacob. He has dreamy eyes. Them's joint bank account eyes.
Schmidt: Okay, if you're saying things like "dreamy eyes" to my face, we have more work to do than the Kings of Leon. Good band, but it feels like they are stuck in one place musically.
Jess: Well, I have a good feeling about this guy.
Schmidt: Okay.
Jess: I'm gonna ask him out. [Schmidt throws her phone] Hey.
Schmidt: You're not ready yet. I'm s... I'm sorry about your phone. I'm sure you have the protection plan.
Jess: I do have the...
Schmidt: [buzzing] Never get the protection plan!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, first test. Now, I'm gonna say something, and you tell me what's really being said. "Oh, you know, I'm just staying in a hotel right now."
Jess: "I like to travel."
Schmidt: [buzzing] Homeless. Pervert. "Oh, my God, my mom is just the most amazing woman."
Jess: Oh. "I love my mother."
Schmidt: [buzzing] Virgin. And somehow also a pervert. "I kind of prefer public transportation."
Jess: Oh. Earth-conscious.
Schmidt: [buzzing] Multiple DUIs. [buzzing] Pervert.

Quote from Winston

Winston: All right, now, remember, y'all are my dogs, okay? So just stay by my side and make me look cool. If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark. [laughs] I want to see those tails wagging out there, okay?

Quote from Cece

Cece: And now I'm a model and a bartender. But I... I'm not sure what's next. I feel a little lost. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing with my life. I'm so sorry. What was your question again?
Cadet: I didn't ask you anything. You just walked up and started talking.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I took the liberty of writing down some exit lines, because obviously, you can't come up with any on your own. Here, take a look at those.
Jess: I've got hockey practice?
Schmidt: Sure.
Jess: My boss is trying to contact me about a project that could save the company.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Schmidt, these are such obvious rejections. I don't want to hurt their feelings.
Schmidt: Hurt their feel... Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people's feelings?
Jess: Yeah. Don't you?
Schmidt: No. How do you get anything done?
Jess: It's hard.

Quote from Nick

Winston: But, seriously, you have to go.
Coach: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Nick: Know-know what? We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: Okay.
Nick: We're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: You're gonna go?
Nick: Hey, we're gonna go. We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Winston: Right on, right on.
Nick: Well, then we'll go.

Quote from Schmidt

Malcolm: But I think the main thing that got me through my time in prison was the realization that a "raisin" can be anything.
Schmidt: We got to go! [in Southern accent] Ma called. The bees are back.
Jess: Ma called. The bees are back.
Malcolm: Oh, okay. Um... Should I just... Should I wait for you?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, Jess, how can I put this? You're the prize here. Okay? You are the last piece of pie, and all of these guys are the fat kids in the cafeteria, and I can say that because I used to be fat as a truck.
Jess: You really think I'm the last piece of pie?
Schmidt: Damn right you're the last piece of pie. You're the best girl on Dice, Jess. And who cares what these guys are feeling? You know, what do you feel? Jess, what do you want?
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: You're the pie.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: Say it again.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: Say it again.
Jess: I'm the pie.
Schmidt: There you go.
Jess: Who are you?
Schmidt: Never really thought about that.

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