Adrian Monk: Perfect.
Sketch Artist: Thank God. All right, let's move on. Tell me about this guy's eyes.
Adrian Monk: I didn't see his eyes. He was covering his face, so... All I saw was a left ear.
Sketch Artist: What are we supposed to do with this? I can't distribute this.
Adrian Monk: I'd recognize him.
Sketch Artist: From this?
Adrian Monk: Every ear is different. They're like fingerprints.
Sharona: Hey, how's it going?
Sketch Artist: This is all that he saw.
Adrian Monk: You know what? The earlobe was a little rounder.

Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: This shelf. I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona: Well, when you turn off the light you won't see it.
Adrian Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dreamworld.

Sharona: Scabs go home! Scabs!
Adrian Monk: All right.
Sharona: Scabs. Union! Union! Scabs go home! Union! [dog barks]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Sharona: Well, I'm a union girl.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Sharona: Since I started working for you. Scabs go home! I should start my own shop.
Adrian Monk: Do it. I'll join you.
Sharona: You're not allowed. You're management.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah? Good. Get rid of the dog.

Script Supervisor: He used a different finger. It won't cut together.
Director: Oh, you're right. Uh, Brad. Brad, listen. Make sure you use your right pinkie, okay?
Brad Terry: Yeah. Sorry. No problem.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I noticed something else. The second time, the lights on the van were off.
Script Supervisor: Oh. He's right. I missed that one. Carl. Your lights.
Adrian Monk: And, uh, this... This- This gentleman in the brown shirt by the pizza place, he, uh, the first time, both his socks were pulled all the way up. But the second time, one was down. And, uh, you, sir... Sir? Your umbrella handle was turned, uh, this way. And, uh, you... Sir, you... You were holding your coffee cup with your pinkie extended. Not- Not- Not that much. Not that much. And her sweater- Her sweater was buttoned up, you know, all the way. And, uh, she looked at her watch like this the first time. And he- He scratched his elbow, and her straw was bent a little more.
Director: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Her zipper on her bag was all the way up.
Director: You're a very observant man, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I don't think there's anything you can do about the bird, but, on the first take...
Director: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect, Mr. Monk!

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I have my four dollars back?
Doorman: What?
Adrian Monk: We gave you 44 dollars.
Doorman: Yeah?
Adrian Monk: The bribe was only 40, so, you know...
Doorman: Are you for real?
Sharona: Will you come on?
Adrian Monk: O- Okay. Okay, but we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes. I won't forget. I'm writing it down.

Sharona: Look, I might have told her some things that weren't exactly true.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: Like, Benjy's on the honor roll.
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. No problem.
Sharona: Okay, thanks. Oh! Oh, oh, oh. And... And I also told her that my rent is only $900 a month. And-And-And- And I broke up with Steve, the florist I was dating. He didn't break up with me. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. And also that I am seeing a really nice guy, Ronnie, who's a stockbroker, but he's out of town this weekend. Oh, oh! Oh, oh. And- And you you have a full medical plan, including dental. And, uh, I'm not your assistant. I'm your partner. Is that okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Wow! Congratulations.
Sharona: Thank you.

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I wonder, could I get separate plates for the potatoes and the vegetables?
Waitress: You want them all on separate plates?
Adrian Monk: Please.
Waitress: Okay.
Monica Waters: You don't like your food to touch?
Adrian Monk: I believe most people don't like their food to touch. They just don't have the guts to admit it.
Monica Waters: And I bet you bring your own silverware.
Adrian Monk: No. Please. I'm not a fanatic. [wipes fork with napkin]

Sharona: How'd you guess the jelly beans?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. Sharona, just give me the shoe.
Sharona: No. Not until you tell me.
Adrian Monk: Come on. This is not funny. I can't walk.
Sharona: How did you do it?
Adrian Monk: All right, I'll tell you. As we walked into the carnival, there was a pile of garbage.
Sharona: Pile of garbage?
Adrian Monk: Yes, and I noticed that they were throwing away some empty jelly bean boxes. They were labeled. Each one contained 1,400 jelly beans. There were six boxes, so that's 8,400 beans. You figure the kid who ran the game ate a couple of handfuls, so that's 8,385. Now, can I have my shoe, please?
Sharona: You remembered how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's a blessing and curse. Please don't ever take my shoes again. It's not funny. It never will be funny. It won't be funny the next time you do it. Stop laughing.

Benjy: Okay, who do you want to be? Yellow, green, red or blue?
Adrian Monk: Oh, boy. Okay, um... Okay. Oh, boy.
Sharona: Honey, remember we talked about how Mr. Monk has trouble making decisions?
Benjy: Oh, yeah. Okay, you'll be Colonel Mustard.
Adrian Monk: Good.
Benjy: Now, you remember how to play? You write down all the clues on your pad.
Adrian Monk: I'm ready to guess.
Sharona: Adrian, you have to play the game. You have to go around the board from room to room collecting clues.
Adrian Monk: I know who did it.
Sharona: We haven't started yet. Come on.
Adrian Monk: It was Professor Plum in the dining room with a rope.
Benjy: He's right.
Adrian Monk: We played this game last year. I remember what cards everybody was holding and how they were put away. And then, just now, I was watching how Benjy shuffled...

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk doesn't believe in psychics.
Adrian Monk: I believe in what I can see. I believe in what's in front of me.
Sharona: You know how I found out that my ex was still seeing his old girlfriend?
Adrian Monk: Please, tell us.
Sharona: A psychic told me. And that's a true story, and it was the best 35 bucks I ever spent.
Adrian Monk: Thirty-five bucks?
Captain Stottlemeyer: There have been cases documented cases where psychics have found missing kids, bodies. It happens.
Adrian Monk: Of course it happens! A thousand psychics making 10,000 predictions a year, two or three of them have to be right.