Kevin Dorfman: [on video] Hello, my name is Kevin Dorfman, and this is what they call a video will. Um, which means, sadly, if you're watching this, I am deceased. Unless you're me, and I am watching it to see how I look. Or I might have put it in the wrong case and lent it to you by accident. That's also a possibility. Or maybe you're Phil, the technician at the production company who's editing this video. Or Phil is sick, possibly, and you're his assistant Craig. No, not Craig. Greg. I remember now. Craig left two years ago.
Natalie: Should I fast-forward?
Adrian Monk: No, let it play.
Kevin Dorfman: Greg, I'm sorry for screwing up your name like that. Craig went back to school to get his real estate license. No, it wasn't real estate. But it was a license. What other licenses are there? Is it licenses, or licensees?

Lieutenant Disher: Where do you live, Kevin?
Kevin Dorfman: I live upstairs.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear or see anything early this morning, say around 5:30?
Kevin Dorfman: No, sir, I did not. I was, you know, with someone.
Lieutenant Disher: Your girlfriend?
Kevin Dorfman: I guess so. Holy Toledo, I have a girlfriend.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we're gonna need to question her too. How long have you lived upstairs?
Kevin Dorfman: Seven months. Before that, let's see, I lived at 12 Grant Street. Before that, 17 Minton Street with my sister until she moved to Baltimore because she had to take a new job.
Lieutenant Disher: Great. Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: Before that, I lived at 34 Warren Place for two years. Before that, I lived at 8 Todd Road and 45 Radcliffe Street, consecutively. My first place, though, on 26 Armory Lane, that was a studio. But what I did was... You might want to write this down on a separate page for yourself. I put the bed up on a loft to create some space.

Kevin Dorfman: Oh, this is looking good.
Adrian Monk: You think so?
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, it's looking fantastic. A little more mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika. Maybe two pinches. Maybe three pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's perfect.
Kevin Dorfman: Maybe four pinches.
Adrian Monk: Okay, Kevin, I think that's enough. Thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: We are going to need some pepper, and I think I have some upstairs. Maybe I should bring all my seasonings down here if we're going to be cooking all week.
Adrian Monk: All week?
Kevin Dorfman: Here's something you might find interesting. This is only the eighth time in my life I have ever had egg salad.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Kevin Dorfman: And how much do you want to bet I can name all eight? The first time was in third grade. I traded sandwiches with a kid named Stuart Kramer. Then three years after that, my cousin's confirmation party. Two years after that, I was in a restaurant. I ordered tuna fish. Do you like to laugh?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, get ready to, because I knew it was egg salad. I could smell it, but the waitress kept saying to me, "No, it's tuna fish." [phone rings] Phone. We're on number three. Remember where we are.

Lou Dorfman: He was the nicest kid I ever knew. I mean, last summer after the hurricane, he came over and cleaned out all my gutters. Except for the garage. But we didn't have gutters in the garage. We have them now. [chuckles] We didn't have them then. I put them in three weeks ago. Yeah, actually, I had to redo the whole roof.

Sheila Dorfman: We had a little tradition. He would call me every Sunday and tell me all about his week. We never missed a Sunday. I think that's what I'm gonna miss most of all. Our Sunday night chats.
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.
Natalie: He was very special.
Sheila Dorfman: Wait! I tell a lie. We did miss one Sunday, 12 1/2 years ago. That was the summer I traveled to Italy with my Mahjong group.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Sheila Dorfman: But we made up for it when I got back. We spoke twice that week, Friday and Sunday.
Adrian Monk: Imagine that.
Natalie: That's great.
Sheila Dorfman: Oh, then there was the time my telephone service was interrupted. No, wait. That was a Tuesday. So that really would not have affected our...
Natalie: I'm sorry. I just remembered. I'm thirsty.
Sheila Dorfman: You forgot you were thirsty?
Natalie: Oh, I've just been so busy. So nice to meet you.
Adrian Monk: So it's hereditary?
Natalie: Apparently, it's a dominant trait. You know what, I really am thirsty.

Kevin Dorfman: Wow. Wow. Is that your show? Because I love that show. Who comes up with all those questions?
Dwight Ellison: Well, we have a staff of writers.
Kevin Dorfman: 'Cause I'll tell you something, that is something I've always thought I would be good at. I'm always asking people questions, and a lot of the time, they are genuinely stumped.
Adrian Monk: That's true. We are.

Kevin Dorfman: Hello? Uh, excuse me. Did something happen?
Lieutenant Disher: There's been a homicide.
Kevin Dorfman: A homicide? You mean a murder? Holy Toledo. Here?
Lieutenant Disher: Right out front, early this morning. Somebody killed the paperboy.
Kevin Dorfman: Holy Toledo.
Lieutenant Disher: And you are?
Kevin Dorfman: I'm Kevin Dorfman. "D" for dolly. "O" as in orange. "R" as in Robert.
Lieutenant Disher: Dorfman. Yeah, I got it.

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. E., here's your coffee. Sorry it took so long. I'm still not used to that kitchen. Careful. It's hot.
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin. Oh. There's something in there.
Kevin Dorfman: That's a raisin. Yeah, I put it in to sweeten the coffee. Little trick I picked up when I was waiting tables in Aspen, Colorado, which I did for two summers. Not two consecutive summers, 'cause there was a summer in between...
Dwight Ellison: Thank you, Kevin.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Kevin.

Dwight Ellison: So, Kevin, did I understand Adrian correctly? You won the lottery a couple years ago?
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I did. That is accurate. And you're probably wondering what happened to all the money. That's a fair question. Here's a tip, if you're ever lucky enough to win the big jackpot, you should probably not make some of the mistakes I made. For one thing, Vegas, it's a good place to avoid. Secondly, if you're ever going to hire an accountant, you might want to make sure he's certified. And most importantly, never, under any circumstances, marry Lisa Abramowitz.
Dwight Ellison: [laughs] I'll try to remember that.
Kevin Dorfman: Or her sister Shelly.

Kevin Dorfman: Kevin Dorfman. I'm a big fan of yours, sir. A major fan.
Roddy Lankman: Okay, how you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: Look, I know we just met, Roddy, but I understand you have your own production company. Well, that's good, because I have an idea for a show, and if you're interested, we can produce it together.
Roddy Lankman: I really can't.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. It's called "40 Winks." In a nutshell, three contestants, three beds. The first one who falls asleep wins.
Roddy Lankman: So we're watching people fall asleep?
Kevin Dorfman: Exactly. You snooze, you win.