Natalie: Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk, come on. You have to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: I can't hear you.
Natalie: You heard me. If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain.
Adrian Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay, let me see if I understand. One, you need proof. One A., to get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. One B., your suspect won't talk to you unless you go on his show. One C., omitted. Two, you're afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.

Adrian Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin Dorfman: That's a good question. Okay. Let's see. I met you in October, 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a Gloomy Gus. Second week... [long pause] No. Third week... [laughs]
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Yes!
Kevin Dorfman: The- Wait. Sorry. No, that wasn't you. It was Arsenio Hall. He's hilarious.

Sharona: [to Vicki] Oh, you work at the Stop-N-Go on Ridgedale, right?
Kevin Dorfman: That's how we met. That's how we met. Vicki's been serving me my doughnut and super-sized latte every morning for the past five months. Well, when we first met, I wasn't super-sizing. No. But then last July, I had to pull a couple of all-nighters because I was working on that new inventory diagnostic software. I told you about that job. You remember?
Sharona: Yes, you did. Mm-hmm.
Kevin Dorfman: But wait... It wasn't July, it was August.

Adrian Monk: Hello, Mr. Birch? Hello, it's Adrian Monk. We spoke yesterday at the show.
Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Birch? I'm here, too. Kevin Dorfman. I'm his upstairs neighbor. It looks unlocked? What do you think?
Adrian Monk: Well, we can't go in without a reason.
Kevin Dorfman: I'm kind of thirsty. Does that count?
Adrian Monk: No, Kevin. Thirst is no excuse for breaking and entering.
Kevin Dorfman: Wouldn't it be cool if it was?
Adrian Monk: Yes, that would be cool.

Kevin Dorfman: Here. Let me...
Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Kevin Dorfman: I'm leaning in. Yeah, I went to law school for three semesters. You can lean anywhere you want. It's in the Constitution.
Adrian Monk: I can't imagine which constitution you're referring to.
Kevin Dorfman: You know what? Grab my pants.
Adrian Monk: Pardon me?
Kevin Dorfman: Grab my pants. I need the counterweight.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, I really don't want to grab your pants.
Kevin Dorfman: If I touch that floor, it's a felony.

Natalie: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: I spoke with Julie's doctor today. He said she might be allergic to fish.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, poor kid.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Natalie: Do you know anybody else who's allergic to fish?
Kevin Dorfman: I think the man who lives across the street from my sister is allergic to fish. Not right across the street. Actually, you know what? It's not even really a street. It's more of a cul-de-sac.
Natalie: That's great, Kevin. How about you, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: No. Well, Trudy was.

Kevin Dorfman: You put the blades up? That is really interesting. I'm always afraid I'll cut myself. Yeah, I'm a "blade-down" man. But that's what makes horse races, am I right? Doesn't mean we still can't be friends.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I run them twice. Blades up and then blades down.
Kevin Dorfman: That's fascinating. Ooh, is this dishwasher safe? Let me just- Yes, it is. Funny story: I have a casserole dish. It was a gift from my sister. Not the sister you met. The one who used to live in Milwaukee but moved to St. Paul last summer. Well, not summer, per say.
Adrian Monk: K- Kevin It doesn't matter.
Kevin Dorfman: Anyway, the dish didn't say "dishwasher safe," but, you know what? I took a chance. 'Cause you only go around once in this life.
Adrian Monk: That's the best news I've heard all day.

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, I'm pouring the detergent. You're missing it.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, please. Please, I'm trying to talk to... I'm sorry.
Linda Riggs: Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister.
Adrian Monk: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson's wife?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, everyone thinks he's so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know, he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin Dorfman: So you've actually met him?
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Linda Riggs: Yes, I've met him. I think he killed my sister.
Kevin Dorfman: What's he like?
Linda Riggs: He's a monster!
Adrian Monk: Kevin.
Kevin Dorfman: Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

Karl Torini: Yeah, anyway, point is I need someone to fill in, and I wondered if you'd be interested.
Kevin Dorfman: My goodness. Am I ready?
Karl Torini: Kevin, I've been watching you. You're a natural.
Kevin Dorfman: That's true.
Karl Torini: See, magic is all about self-confidence. If you believe you can do something, you can do it!
Kevin Dorfman: Then I can do it. I can do it, and I'm gonna do it. Thank you. You will not regret this. Well you might regret it a little bit. But you won't regret that much.

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, and now it's time for my piece de resistance. That means piece of resistance. I call it The Vanishing Man. Or lady. The Vanishing Man or Lady. It's a temporary title. I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience. Anyone want to, wanna volunteer, just raise your hand. Raise your hand up high to- To get up on stage with the, magician. [Natalie pushes a reluctant Adrian to stand up] Come on! You, sir! So gracious of you! I like that jacket. Did somebody, have a garage sale? I'm joking, folks. But seriously. Have we ever met before?
Adrian Monk: Kevin, I'mnot gonna get in that box.
Kevin Dorfman: Just get in the box real quick for a second.
Adrian Monk: No. I was- I was buried- I was buried live once.
Kevin Dorfman: I understand.
Adrian Monk: And, um, there's just no way on God's green earth that I'm gonna get in that box, so...
Kevin Dorfman: Disapointing lot of my fans out there.
Adrian Monk: Just telling you.
Kevin Dorfman: Get in the box for a second, real quick. Just real quick, get in the box. A lotta people are gonna go home disappointed tonight.