Dwight Ellison: Oh, honey, this is Kevin Dorfman.
Marcia Ellison: Hello.
Kevin Dorfman: Kevin Dorfman. I live above Adrian. May I say what a lovely home you have here.
Marcia Ellison: Oh, thank you.
Kevin Dorfman: Spanish style, isn't it?
Marcia Ellison: Yes.
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I thought so. I grew up in a house just like this, except the dining room was over on this side...

Kevin Dorfman: Hold the phone. I've got it.
Marcia Ellison: Got what?
Kevin Dorfman: How they're cheating on the show. It's a code. Roddy Lankman is blinking when he asks the questions. Like once for A, two for B. That's what he does.
Dwight Ellison: No, no, no, no. I thought about that. I've studied every frame from every show. It's impossible. He never blinks or gestures or changes his voice, at least that I could tell.

Adrian Monk: [sings] There is wine all ready for tasting
Kevin Dorfman: A little mayonnaise. Some lemon juice. A little salt, just a pinch. Just a sprinkle.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Kevin, I really appreciate this.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, stop. This is what neighbors are for. Is that enough? How many people are coming?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I don't know. The captain has this barbecue every year, but I never felt like going before.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, so this is like your coming-out party?

Adrian Monk: Oh, I didn't tell you the best part. Here's the best part. Dr. Kroger is gonnna call the department and recommend me for reinstatement.
Kevin Dorfman: That's- That is- Congratulations.
Adrian Monk: Hey, I know. Later, let's get my old uniform down and see if it fits.
Kevin Dorfman: I'll tell you something. It's not gonna fit if you eat too much of this. It's never gonna fit. [Kevin & Monk laugh]

Kevin Dorfman: Did I ever tell you about my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No.
Kevin Dorfman: Sy Dorfman? The comedian? Sy Dorfman? You've heard of Milton Berle, right? Uncle Miltie?
Adrian Monk: Ah, yeah.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, they were contemporaries! Worked a lot of the same venues, had a lot of friends in common. Take a seat. Come on. When I think about all the great Milton Berle stories they would tell Uncle Sy and then he would relay to me... And when he died he left me this. It's his joke file.
Adrian Monk: Professional jokes?
Kevin Dorfman: Field-tested. Guaranteed. You want to go back on the Max Hudson show, right? Well, here's your chance to give him a taste of the medicine that he prescribes.

Karl Torini: Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal.
Kevin Dorfman: Right. Sorry. I'm not looking. I can't see anything. Well, I can see my feet, actually. I hope that's all right. I am looking at them.

Kevin Dorfman: Oh my! That is fantastic. You are really the great Torini. And I haven't even met the other Torinis. I don't even know if they're halfway decent Torinis. You know, it's funny. I'm thinking about doing something similar in my own act. As you know, I'm a magician as well.
Karl Torini: Yes, Kevin, I've seen your act on amateur night.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, I'm not In your league, of course. Not yet, anyway. Here's the trick. I use a cat. Little Persian kitten. Hold it out like this. Cover it with a handkerchief. Abraca-Dorfman. It's a butterfly.

Karl Torini: Kevin, I'm very busy here.
Kevin Dorfman: I realize that. Little problem. I've been looking at your receipts from your last world tour. Let me show you this. These are your airline receipts. Your equipment, according to these, weighed more on the way back than on the way there.
Karl Torini: Really?
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah. I checked the records. Same thing happened last year and the year before that. The airlines are ripping you off. I say we get a lawyer, and I say we use the S.O.B.s. You and me. Let's get 'em.
Karl Torini: Yes! Well... Good work, Kevin, as always.
Kevin Dorfman: Thank you.
Karl Torini: Here's what we're gonna do. Close the book. Go ahead, close it. All right. I want you to forget about it. Put it out of your mind. We'll take care of this next week.

Adrian Monk: Kevin, I'm just curious. How did you- How did you get the job?
Kevin Dorfman: It's an interesting story, actually. I have a- I have a friend at the, at the Castle. And... Karl Torini. He's more of a mentor, really, but a friend. We were chattin' it up yesterday, as friends do, about a lot of things, but mostly travel. And I was pointing out to him that he is getting overcharged.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah?
Kevin Dorfman: The airlines have been overcharging him for years! How can his equipment weigh more on his return trips than when he left? Anyway, to make a long- Okay, one second. To make a long story short.
Adrian Monk: It's a little late for that.
Kevin Dorfman: He had to go to Reno and, uh, kinda asked me to fill in for him.

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Torini, it's Kevin Dorfman. From back- Fom back stage here. I just wanted to let you know I am dedicating my show to you and Tanya.
Karl Torini: [over speakerphone] Oh, Kevin, that's the icing on the cake.
Kevin Dorfman: This is for you, guys.