Ronaldo: Oh, my God. Will I see you guys at the party?
Mitchell: Oh, unfortunately no. Uh, this day has turned into something of a nightmare.
Ronaldo: Oh. Where's Cam?
Mitchell: We just split up. We just needed so many different things, it was easier to separate. So, anyway, happy Thanksgiving. Tell everyone I said hi.

Haley: The turkey is still frozen in the middle!
Manny: Hot on the outside, cold on the inside... reminds me of a certain someone. Please don't ask.
Haley: Sure. Ugh, this pie filling is so sour.
Manny: [sighs] Yeah, it's devastating when you expect something to be sweet but ends up being intense psychosexual torture. I don't want to talk about it.

Haley: I can't have the one nice thing I've done for Mom and Dad be a disaster! Alex, um, call you please call that chef that you're dating?
Alex: That pompous weirdo? I purposely broke up with him before the holidays. If I call him now, I will be stuck with him until New Year's.
Luke: There's a school of thought it can even stretch out to Valentine's Day. Once you pass Thanksgiving, it's the Wild West.

Manny: Okay! Her name is Jessica. We met during a Santa Ana wind, and we all know what Raymond Chandler said...
Haley: So no need to repeat it.

Haley: Alex, please. How weird can your chef be?
[aside to camera:]
Alex: I don't know if it's 'cause he's a chef and they can be controlling, and I know there's lots of different "love languages," but... he puppets me.

Claire: Gloria, you do laundry? Or are you hiding a pregnancy?
Gloria: No. The housekeeper quit.
Gloria: [sighs] I really love working for Phil full-time for very little money, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be balancing everything.
Claire: I know. That's why I love not working. Finally, enough time to get everything done.
Gloria: Really?
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Gloria: You don't miss facing new challenges, the fire of competition, that sense of accomplishment?
Claire: No. No. I mean... [Claire starts folding laundry] Of course, I worried I was the type of person who needed to be busy all the time, but it's like a drug... After a couple of weeks of withdrawal, I am finally comfortable doing nothing. [Gloria slides the laundry basket over to Claire]
Claire: [exhales deeply]

Cameron: Well, it's nice to see how supportive our friends are being.
Mitchell: Yeah. It's nice how quickly they reached out to... to you. I got nothing. It's like it's mocking me.
Cameron: I-I'm sure the texts were meant for both of us.
Mitchell: That's not how it works, okay? They're not thanking us for brunch. We're getting a divorce! Why is no one calling me?!
Cameron: Well, maybe because they think you're the... the stronger, less emotional one.
Mitchell: That's crazy. Just because I'm strong doesn't mean I don't need my friends at a time like this!
Cameron: A time like what? Y-You realizing this isn't actually happening, right?
Mitchell: Oh, come on. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would be freaking out.
Cameron: Yes... which is why I'm getting all the texts.
Mitchell: Okay, well, here.
Cameron: Ohh, from Steven and Stefan in Capri. Oh. Text back, uh, "Do not fly home. I'm doing okay."
Mitchell: I thought this wasn't really happening!

Jay: Barrel roll into an S-turn... and a little thing I call Pritchett-Switch-It.
Dylan: That just looks like a right-hand turn.
Phil: It would to an amateur. You're an artist, Jay. The sky's your canvas. Oh, should we do the hoop?
Jay: Great idea. [to Dylan] Hey, champ, take this out to the middle of the field and hold it up.
Dylan: Awesome!
Phil: Guess it's "champ's" turn. Are... Are we sure champ doesn't need to see how it's done properly first? I mean, it's not just standing there.
Jay: Dylan, just stand there!
Dylan: Yes! What a wonderful shared experience!
Jay: Now, stay out there. We'll do it again. Kid's a natural. He didn't even flinch.
Phil: Bravery or a sluggish brain... guess we'll never know.

Claire: Okay, I think it's good for now.
Gloria: Oh, yeah, yeah. You need to enjoy your "me" time.
Claire: Yeah.
Gloria: Yesterday, I had three open houses. I was running around all day, solving problems, creating value... Ay, it was exhausting.
Claire: [clicks tongue] Yeah. Don't miss that. [starts beating rug]
Gloria: [gasps] Oh, and one of the houses was filthy!
Claire: Oh.
Gloria: All the windows needed to be washed.
Claire: Oh.
Gloria: Eugh. But I am one to talk.

Neil: Follow my instructions, and we can save this meal. Who are you?
Manny: Manny.
Neil: Wrong. In this kitchen, you don't have a name. Stir.
Manny: Well, this is a fun energy. Do you happen to have a cousin partial to Western skirts and terrifying mood swings?