Neil: [to Luke] Those carrots are a mess. It's like this. ["puppets Luke"]
Luke: Wait, what... Oh, man. You really know what you want. I feel so safe.

Manny: Claire? Why are you washing our windows?
Claire: I don't know. They were really dirty, and your mom found a pole. You know, funny coincidence... last week, I was offered the top job at a company that makes poles.
Manny: Yeah, I'm going through something, too.
Claire: Anyway, I turned the job down, but I think I'm reconsidering it.
Manny: Her name is Jessica.
Claire: I know that poles aren't as sexy as closets. But people really seem to like them, and they are famously recession-proof. Oh, God. I think I made a terrible mistake. I got to call those people and get that job before it goes away. Because...
Manny: Don't do it, Claire! It's beneath you!
Claire: Whoa! Manny, show some respect! If it weren't for poles, you would be pledging allegiance to a floor mat!

Manny: No! You can't take a job on the rebound. It'll feel good for a minute, but then you're plummeting down a K-hole of paranoia and regret.
Claire: Huh. How was your week?
Manny: Fine. I'll tell you why I'm wearing a turtleneck.
Claire: After Sherry dumped me, I dated the first girl who would have me... ironically, the leading rebounder on our basketball team. That's where she hit me with her mouth guard. I've tried to leave her, but she just palms my head, and I run in place.
Claire: Well, I'm sorry this is happening to you, Manny, but what does this have to do with...
Manny: She's the pole company, Claire. Learn from my mistake... unless you want a compromising Polaroid of you hung up very high in the women's locker room. I might need to borrow that ladder later.

Gloria: [singsong] Claire!
Claire: Hmm?
Gloria: Do you want to help me shop online later for some power suits? Oh, God, I miss wearing comfortable clothes all the time, like you do.
Claire: [climbs ladder] Yep. It sounds like a lot of fun. I... What am I doing?
Gloria: A terrific job. Keep going!
Claire: N-No! I have been sweating ever since I got here. Did you trick me into doing your housework?
Gloria: No. [gasps] [speaks Spanish] Unh-unh! That phone did not ring! You're walking away because you know you're guilty! And take those shoes off! I just did the floors!

Mitchell: [aside to camera] My friends' reaction to our "divorce" really bothered me. So I made an excuse to Cam and went over to Longinus' party. I wanted the friends to know that I am just as emotionally needy as Cam!

Gloria: Ay, no, not again!
Jay: It wasn't me this time. He did it to himself.
Phil: Unlike last time, when you purposely flew that plane into my face. You're a monster, Jay.
Jay: Who are you calling a monster?
Dylan: Um, he just said... Jay.
Jay: This isn't worth it! Why do I do anything with people?

Jotham: It's like he's never seen someone cry before.
Ronaldo: Just think of something sad. Like when a pet died, or when L'Michael was a seat filler at the Golden Globes and got to sit next to Nicole Kidman.
Ptolemy: Why him?!
Jotham: Ptolemy, you must get over that.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Apparently, years ago, Cam invented a breakup that never really happened, just so he could gauge how much support he could count on in the event of the real thing. Normal.

Mitchell: You turned everyone against me!
Cameron: Because in a breakup, friends choose a side, and I'm... I'm more fragile, and I would need them more. I was just preparing for an emergency. I didn't yell at you when you bought that, uh, earthquake kit.
Mitchell: You told them I disappear for days at a time.
Cameron: Which you wouldn't know about had you not gone to the party behind my back. Where's the trust, Mitchell?

Claire: Do you know how many unfunny jokes I told at the office?
Jay: None?
Claire: Exactly. Knock knock.
Jay: "Ha ha ha ha! Good one, boss! Ha ha ha ha! How do you keep coming up with them?"
Claire: Spineless bootlickers. God, I miss them.