Jay: You guys want to take it outside? I need a couple minutes with El Rojo. [to Mitchell] Rojo means "red."
Mitchell: Yeah. I put things together quickly, unlike your workers, which is, uh, why I'm here. Um, Dad, if this is too much for you...
Jay: Now, wait a second. You're not here to fire me, are you?
Mitchell: What? No. Pfft! That's a strong word.
Jay: I've done enough axing in my time to recognize the look. Just do it.
Mitchell: See, now, I was... I was hoping this would be more of a conversation.
Jay: Never been much for confrontation. You weren't engaged to a woman six months in law school because you were good at dropping the hammer. Didn't you guys get a cat together?

Jay: I only got one more thing to do. I've got to seal glass in the door and hang it. Now, you want to go with the stain or the clear pane Cam picked?
Mitchell: Hmm. You know what? I- I bought this at a flea market. They're not sure of the origin. It either came from a th-century Flemish cathedral that collapsed in an earthquake or a high-school production of "Nunsense."

Cameron: Oh, hey, Gloria.
Gloria: [gasps, screams]
Cameron: I finally found a great spot for the Wi-Fi just in time for the pumpkin weigh-in.
Gloria: You sit here while I take a bath?!
Cameron: I'm gay? Hello? I'm more fixated on that fabulous robe. I am so borrowing that for my next bath. You didn't drain the water yet, did you?

Carol: [on gate] Who is it?
Phil: Special delivery from UPS.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: United Prank Service. I went to the history books for this one, all the way back to the first practical joke... the Trojan Horse. Only I swapped out silly string for broad swords and laughter for murder.

Phil: There's no sense in hiding it. I did buy a giant pumpkin.
Claire: I puzzled that one out.
Phil: You're right. I'm a Halloween-obsessed child-man.
Claire: Do you want to feel better? I took zombies to work, okay? And it died so hard. Oh, my God, to be pitied by Margaret.
Phil: I guess the kids are right. [sighs] It's time for us to start acting like adults. We can have dinner parties, see plays, open IRAs.
Claire: We have IRAs, right?
Phil: Rude awakening, Claire. You think you're the fun-loving dad, putting smiles on faces, keeping childhood alive. Turns out you're just the weird guy barreling down a driveway in a pumpkin-tank.

Carol: I just found out my kids did this to your yard, and we are so sorry.
Phil: Don't be. It's Halloween. It's one of the four biggest prank days of the year. It's this, April Fools' Day, and the day before April Fools' Day, 'cause no one sees it coming.
Carol: What's the fourth?
Phil: Nice try, Carol. The point is, you're gonna wake up one morning and find out that your kids don't TP anymore. Cherish these days with your adorable little vandals.

Haley: [to Alex] Look at you, dressed like a girl. Why the change? Did the roller-derby team try to recruit you again?

Claire: Aaaaaahhh!
Phil: Whoa! [laughs] Got me!
Haley: Worth it?
Claire: Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare?
Alex: The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line, two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent, and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge.

Cameron: Well, well, well. You city folk sure are late risers. I guess your rooster has a snooze button.
Gloria: [chuckles] It's funny how you say the exact, same thing every morning.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Since our contractor took a break from rehabbing kitchens to rehab a gambling problem...
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Jay took over, and we've been staying here.
Mitchell: It's been a lot of Dad, but it... it just became too impractical to continue living at home.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's been hard on us, living without a kitchen. It's been, uh, six weeks now since it burned down.
Cameron: Since you burned it down.
Mitchell: Since I burned it down.
Cameron: And then maliciously made me think I did it and leveraged my guilt for your own selfish gain.
Mitchell: Then maliciously made you think that you did it, and leveraged...
Cameron: Honey, you got to stop beating yourself up.