Cameron: I'm trying to get Wi-Fi so I can watch the pumpkin weigh-in at the Halloween festival back home. You know, 25 years ago, I raised the largest Wichita Thumper, and the record still stands. I am so sorry. There's no way to say that that doesn't sound braggy.
Gloria: No, no, you just did fine.
Cameron: You know, as with every pumpkin, there's a story. It was a cold, bitter night, when tap-tap-tap on the window. Darn if it wasn't the vine of my pumpkin, just out there trembling away.
Gloria: That is a great story.
Cameron: Next thing I know, Daddy's pulling the pumpkin through the window, careful, of course, not to break the vine. And for months, it just became a part of our household. People stepping over it to get into the kitchen, blocked half the TV. We thought "The Brady Bunch" was just about three lovely girls. [chuckles] Oh, but nobody complained. Sure, I won Grand Champion, you know, and the right to name the next tornado. But the thing I remember most are the sacrifices [voice breaking] my family made for just me. That's how we do family where I'm from.
Gloria: [inhales sharply] That's how we do family where I am from!

Jay: You got to remember, this was the '60s. Competition in the closet game was fierce, everybody chasing after the next big storage idea. Historians remember this period as the "space race."

Gloria: Cam, I'm sure that there were better ways for me to say what I said. You're packing my face creams.
Cameron: No need to apologize. I know I crossed boundaries. It's how I grew up. Nobody had secrets from anybody. At high-school parties, we just played Dare.
Gloria: I know the feeling. I grew up in a small town myself. We had to bring in a stranger so that the children could learn who not to talk to.
Cameron: You know, I have to say, sometimes your hometown stories sound a little made-up.

Mitchell: Okay, you know? Y- Y- Yes! You're fired! Okay? You're an incompetent man-diva. The only thing you've ever built is a closet, i.e. a box of air. So get out, and don't let the door hit you on your ample behind.
Jay: Nicely done. Maybe an unnecessary shot at closets, particularly from someone who was in one for 22 years, but...

Mitchell: Oh, why do I feel so energized?
Jay: Because you honored your primal male instinct to build. Yeah. Where once lay barren fields, because of men like us, now gleaming cities stand. And what is a city, but...
Mitchell: A closet for civilization.
Jay: This is the proudest damn moment of my life.

Claire: It's not like we're taking you trick-or-treating. There are grown-up ways to enjoy Halloween.
Phil: How about pumpkin-boat racing? Cam used to do it in Missouri. Take a giant pumpkin, cut the top off, gut it, hop in, sail away. Let's do it. I'm so married to this idea, it rolls its eyes when I make jokes in public. [high fives Luke]

Phil: I see what's going on here.
Luke: Thank God.
Phil: I haven't communicated how big this pumpkin's gonna be. You guys know Clifford... the Big Red Dog?

Gloria: [aside to camera] Two weeks ago, we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here.
Joe: You invited them.
Gloria: [sighs] It's been hard on us, but it's part of our Colombian heritage...
Joe: Your heritage.
Gloria: ...to welcome family and to never kick them out, even when they might have some boundary issues.

Haley: [aside to camera] I didn't have a date with a guy, but rather a date with Destiny. Destiny was the name of the casting director I was auditioning for. I saw an ad for backup singers on a cruise ship, and I knew it was fate. I have a killer voice, I love karaoke, and I'm great at partying on boats.

Woman: Haley Dunphy?
Haley: Ahoy! I speak "ship." Bon voyage, mateys.
[aside to camera:]
Haley: I crushed it. I even crushed the modesty after. "No, thank you for the chance to sing."