Jay: Earl Chambers is a liar and a backstabber who betrayed me and never apologized.
Gloria: Jay, please. It's just closets.
Jay: I wish it was Just Closets. I respect those guys.

Mitchell: Oh, why do I feel so energized?
Jay: Because you honored your primal male instinct to build. Yeah. Where once lay barren fields, because of men like us, now gleaming cities stand. And what is a city, but...
Mitchell: A closet for civilization.
Jay: This is the proudest damn moment of my life.

Claire: All right, Dad, we're ready for you. Just give us five minutes.
Jay: Seems like a waste of time, but go ahead.
[montage:]
Claire: Closet, but no cigar.
Haley: Why? Because we closet.
Cameron: I'll have what she's closet.
Luke: [as Forrest Gump] Mama always said "Life is like a box of closets."
Manny: On your mark, get set, closet.
Phil: Let's get ready to closet!
Gloria: [imitating Scarface] Say hello to my little closet.
Jay: Damn it. They're all good.

Mitchell: How could you? I trusted you. I defended you to my father, and you made me look like a fool! And all for what? Closets.
Jay: You mean the place that people start each day, choosing an outfit that gives them the confidence to achieve their dreams?
Earl Chambers: Or that magical space that turns a bonus room into a bedroom and a house into a home?
Jay: Well, thanks to cheap materials, your closets turn a house into a fire trap!
Earl Chambers: We pleaded no contest. That is not an admission of guilt.
Jay: I'm doing it. I'm taking my deal out.

Claire: Hey, Dad, you know Hugh Duncan from Just Closets?
Jay: That pretentious half-Brit that refers to closets as "wardrobes"?
Claire: He died.
Jay: Son of a gun. I always liked him.

Jay: [aside to camera] I've waited a year for this day: the annual trade association scratch bowling tournament. Last year, we lost to our biggest rival. Frazier had Ali, Pritchett's Closets has Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets. It's a stupid name, but those cats can bowl.

Jay: You're skipping out on ClosetCon?
Claire: Who told you that?
Jay: Ben. That little weasel told me everything. Listen, I can tolerate shutting down the blinds, even Rod Bushmill, but not showing up for ClosetCon, you're asking not to be taken seriously. My God, Claire! We're one strong season away from being invited to Expo Internationale Du Closets!

Gloria: Stop it! Sit down! This is crazy. You two need to be friends. You're the only two people in the world that care so much about closets. This is silly!
Jay: I guess those angled shelves that display all your precious shoes are silly.
Earl: Or the rotating tie rack that helps a brain surgeon save valuable seconds, and, just maybe, a life.
Jay: You fought me every step of the way on that.
Earl: Because the technology wasn't there yet. People were gonna get hurt!

Gloria: Hello. Welcome to CalShopTV. I am a perky blonde who is easily amazed.
Jay: I'm Jay Pritchett. I'll bet you were expecting to hear about closets...
Manny: O-Okay, stop. Why are you mentioning closets?
Gloria: Jay, everybody knows that you're the king of closets. If there was a closet hall of fame, you would be in it.
Jay: If? What do you think we were doing that weekend in Corning, New York?

Jay: Comin' in hot! Comin' in hot! [tires screech]
Alex: You're just gonna park that right there?
Jay: I did the closets for head of surgery here. I'm untouchable.