Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."

Claire: [aside to camera] Thirty years ago, my dad was in a local ad for Pritchett's Closets and he has always been really proud of the slogan he came up with. ... I've never understood what it means.
[flashback:]
Announcer: Pritchett's Closets. Choose one of our nine luxurious models like the Monte Carlo. Or how about a custom design using our state of the art technology? Come visit Pritchett's and go home with the closet of your dreams.
Jay: Closet? You'll love it!

Jay: So if I get "Grumpa," what do they call Phil's dad?
Claire: You know, just "Funpa."
Jay: That mound of human Silly String gets "Funpa"?

Jay: What are you doing?
Gloria: I am gathering every Binky that is in this house because from today on Joe is going cold turkey. Okay, Joe. Have your last puff if you want.
Jay: I'm trying to watch something.
Gloria: Okay, you can keep crying all you want. I can't hear anything. Try growing up in Colombia. My Binky was a spark plug.