Police Officer: I'm sorry, but I have to place you under arrest.
Phil: Wait, what?!
Police Officer: A car registered to you has accumulated 18 unpaid parking violations, all on campus drive.
Phil: Oh, my God, those are my daughter's tickets!
Luke: He's got an answer for everything.
Police Officer: I got to take you down to the station house. [to Luke] You can ride up front with me.
Phil: Seriously, can't I just pay you for them now?!
Police Officer: At the station house, sir.
Phil: Can we at least not drive by Middle Earth comics and Trampoline World?! People look up to me in this town!

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil has $1,000 hidden in the house, and he's made up a crazy mnemonic device to remember the location, which he changes every month to stay ahead of the bad guys. What bad guys?
[flashback:]
Phil: "Loot" rhymes with "coot," which takes us to... this picture of your grandfather.
[flashback:]
Phil: "Moola" sounds like "coola."
Claire: Not a word.
Phil: Money is in the air-conditioning vent.

Haley: Okay, that's a lot of mirror looking, and that's me saying that. Good, good. Nice cruising speed. Oh, look, there's that jogger. Now we're in the lead.
Alex: Can we put the brakes on the sarcasm?
Haley: They're worn out.

Andy: Excuse me, waiter. Could you please tell me about the surf and turf? Mr. Lobster says "It's terrible!" While Mr. Cow goes, "I think you should probably just have the pasta."
Jay: Dada.
Andy: No, no, no, little man. That's your dada right there with the drinky.
Jay: Over-explaining.
Andy: Don't feel bad. He's just making sounds. He may not even know what the "d" word means.
Jay: I'm fine. He's 1. I've watched him pee into his own face and smile.

Claire: "Bucks" rhymes with "nyuks", Three Stooges. Damn it! [later] "Wampum," "pom-pom", cheerleading costume. Come on. Oh, my God, really? [later] "Bank," "sank", novelization of the movie "Titanic." Then why do we keep that thing?! Oh, Phil, of course! Of course, because "dough" rhymes with- I don't care. I don't care.

Cameron: Yeah, thanks a lot, Sophie.
Mitchell: Well, Tracy really was out of line.
Cameron: Was she?
Mitchell: Yeah.
Cameron: Or was Sophie, per usual, being a big drama queen?
Mitchell: Drama queen? No, Tracy was spreading rumors that Sophie's boyfriend was still into Maya.
Cameron: They weren't rumors. She heard it directly from someone who saw Maya and Rodney holding hands at the pier.
Mitchell: Cam, who? Dana! Yeah, like she can be trusted. This is Aidan all over again.

Mitchell: This is so frustrating!
Cameron: Really? Are you sure that's how you feel, or do you need a little more time to think about it?
Mitchell: Sounds like you're trying to make a point there.
Cameron: Wow, I'm surprised you picked up on that so quick.
Mitchell: Yeah, you're definitely dancing around something. I feel like it's speed-related.
Cameron: Yeah, we lost the Carriage House because you, true to form, couldn't make a timely decision.
Mitchell: We were out of the room for two second- What is this "True to form" business?
Cameron: 28 Richdale Road.
Mitchell: Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Cameron: You hemmed and hawed over our dream house, and now somebody else is eating breakfast in our nook!
Mitchell: I needed the weekend! I never saw myself in a ranch!
Cameron: And what about Las Vegas when you couldn't quite commit to the show?
Mitchell: No. No, no, don't.
Cameron: No, no, no, it's fine. We'll see them next time, just as soon as that tiger un-eats Roy.

Jay: I've been combing through Manny's yearbook. I found a few girls he might have a shot with. Happen to know what Lisa Nagel's like from the neck down?
Gloria: I didn't tell him what you told me to say.
Jay: What? Why?
Gloria: Because he told me what he's going to do when Amy comes here, and it's beautiful. I think he has a better chance than you think. He knows how to talk to girls.
Jay: He knows how to talk to a girl, you. I hope you have a recent picture of his heart. You're gonna need it putting the pieces back together.

Alex: What kind of parents lie to their kids?!
Luke: Yeah, what kind of lesson is that to teach all of this?
Alex: Yeah, seriously, sometimes I want-
Haley: Hey, neither one of you knows the whole story. Ah, please. Let me tell them the truth. Alex, the real reason mom doesn't want to teach you to drive is because she doesn't want you getting your license.
Alex: What?
Haley: Think about it. Mom driving you around is kind of her favorite time with you. It's the only place where your nose isn't buried in a book and she can actually talk to you. Sure, you're getting your license, but she's losing her little girl.
Alex: Mom, is that true?
Claire: Come here.

Haley: And the only reason dad lied to you is... Should I tell him, Dad?
Phil: Fine.
Haley: Dad was a huge nerd in college. He asked Mom out like 10 times, and she always said no. Finally, he said, "I'll never bug you again if you do one thing."
Phil: Just one.
Haley: "Dance with me."
Phil: Just dance.
Haley: He spun her around on the floor and expressed himself with his body in a way he never could with words.
Phil: That's beautiful.
Haley: Mom finally saw the dad that we all know and love.
Luke: And you wanted to give that to me?
Phil: Come here.